My D is having a hard time at RH Says no one ever does anything social except the bar scene. You can get in at 17 with school ID just can’t drink. They don’t hang out in the lounges in her dorm and its very quiet.
Any advice; she’s tried clubs and a dance class but is very bored and isolated,
Any one familiar: Do many of the NJ NY kids go home on weekend. She has had three weekends so far where both roommate went home…
Any advice…
@MMCheer My D is also at RH and although she hasn’t complained, it seems as though her experience is very similar to your D’s. She has participated in a few outings to the city, joined clubs, tried a dance class, but calls often and seems bored and apathetic. Her RA is non-existent and campus activities seem to have dwindled down to nothing. There also seems to be very little socialization on her dorm floor. No one leaves their doors open. Very different from my college experience. I’m wondering if this is typical for college campuses this time of year?
My D was in Queens Court freshmen year 07. There was HUGE drama caused by drinking and immoral behavior by many (male and female). That drama was accentuated by being homesick (we are not new yorkers 
) and the culture shock of being in New York. Then there was the normal flurry of dorm sickness…flu, colds, and assorted other ailments caused by lack of sleep and too much stress and so forth. Queens Court has a number of activities like Disputatio…a debating competition. Fun. The kids had a lot of parties in the basement under the pipes…on Tuesday nights or weekends…music, a lot of goofy dancing and fun…all good kids. They had laundry parties too. And a sense of humor helps.
Freshmen year is the worst for dorm living. For everyone. Letting 18 year olds out of the house and “free” from parental control is a dicey proposition on the best of days. No matter how many promises and how much lecturing and counseling you give, they misbehave. Because they can.
The secret is to find students in her dorm, or another dorm (from her classes) with similar values and similar study habits and then do stuff together. If she is not ready for a relationship (most of them blow up within the year anyway…except my D who married her beau), that is fine…find people who accept singles and “friends with no strings.” They are out there. Personalities are tough to sort through…including one’s own. And its all in flux and a lot of chaos. By Thanksgiving it gets a bit frazzled, stressed and snarky. Tell her to buckle down in the books, it will pay off in spades. Big time. And be patient with people…and perhaps tolerant. Nobody is perfect. Being too picky can be a negative vibe they pick up on. You dont have to agree with others.
I applaud her NOT going to the bar scene. Hang in there. Campus Ministry is also supportive. Find a really good extracurricular…like the Ram Newspaper…my kid met many excellent friends there. By February there is a lot of gray skies and a lot of dorm drama with people being sick of cafeteria food, sick of roomies, sick of the party animals and the reality of grades sets in. That is when we experienced the MOST stress. Had to fly up there and have a “Prayer Meeting”…“you either buck up and buckle down and get well…or we are taking you home.” Her grades were fine…just not perfect. She was HUGELY homesick. Hugely sick of people. Solution? She and her new boyfriend (now husband) decided to part ways with some folks who were causing drama…and sorta picked a new group of friends…some of whom were in another dorm. Those people, btw, were in the wedding…and some of them are married now as well…and they ALL finished Phi Beta Kappa. Every single one of them (Group of about 8). For fun they had study parties…eating popcorn or snacks, cooking (in Walsh and Campbell as upperclassmen), and watching some silly television together…while doing homework or papers. It worked.
Feeling alone and lonely and stressed and out of place is NORMAL. Its an enormous adjustment. Leaving home, a big school with big academic pressure, high tuition and in a big city that is full of mini donald trumps.
Go for fun events on weekends or free-wednesdays in Botanical Garden, or Bronx Zoo, or The New York Public Library, or the Metropolitan Museum of Art in Manhattan or window shopping on Fifth Avenue. Go with a friend.
If she is depressed and needs counseling DONT wait…go to Campus Ministry immediately. They are wonderful. They have fabulous retreats for freshmen btw. Wonderful. GO TO THEM.
And hang in there…its a big challenge but it can be done…Fordham is a great school.
The party animals end up with mediocre grades or worse. STAY AWAY FROM THEM.
Best of luck to you and her. It does get better.
also, go to football games and basketball games. Its a great way to get out of the dorms and out of the rooms. Fordham is not the SEC or Big10 in football. But it is a lot of fun. Fordham is an academic school. Its VERY expensive. A lot of kids and their families are stressed about that and feel a big need to be perfect in school.
you have to balance fun and work. Making a schedule for BOTH helps.
Fordham isnt MIT nerdy either. And its not NYU where everyone is just “out there in urban jungle.”
Some kids DO go home on weekends…and sometimes if you make friends with them, they will invite you to their homes. But mostly that wanes and they learn to become more independent from home. In short, its not Ohio State or LSU. Its not MIT. Its in between. Fordham ranks its students at the end of the year. Grades matter. Working hard in school has huge dividends…and people are invited to special honors programs in departments by faculty…wink, wink…it happened to us.
I was fortunate in that I lived in Queens Court freshman year which had more activities than many other dorms. That said, I have always contended that Fordham should do more to develop an on-campus social life. I think the school relies to heavily on students going off campus (ex. Arthur Ave., Manhattan). Even a simple thing like movies every Friday or Saturday night on campus etc. would be a plus.
I am a drinker, but I did sometimes go to the bars just to be out with people. Other times we’d go have dinner on Arthur Ave and head back to someone’s room to watch SNL or something like that, Now that the football team is good, going to a game is fun. I’d also go into Manhattan a good amount (2-3 times/month) – there are reasonably priced things for students to do – a first run movie near Lincoln Center, a tiny concert in a church basement, dress up and go to the Halloween Parade in the Village (next weekend!), the Upright Citizens Brigade etc. I also usually went on a retreat with Campus Ministry once a semester – it always gets nice people and the retreat house in Goshen is a lovely change of pace (and the food is good!).
The transition to college is not easy. It does often take a while for freshman to find their group of friends – people with similar interests, personalities that mesh well etc. Fordham is a great school. But like any school you have to figure out how to work around the school’s weaknesses and enjoy its strengths. Having lousy RAs who don’t encourage floor activities doesn’t help. You just have persevere and keep plugging – looking for activities, friends etc. that work.
^^^EDIT TO PARAGRAPH 2 …“I am NOT a drinker”
OOPS.
And as an addendum (while I’m at it) from my friends I’ve found that no college experience is completely “typical” some schools are sports driven, some schools are Greek driven, some are driven by the city they are in etc. IMO the trick is to figure out how to make the school you are at work.
And to answer the OP’s questions, a few students do go home for weekends I did not find it was the norm. Of all of my close friends, only one went home for weekends. I grew up fairly close to campus and only went home for school vacations as I really wanted the full college residential experience.
thanks for all the comments and suggestion- i will have her check in with Campus Ministry and try some new things. She may have just gotten a little unlucky with the roommates(just in they go home on weekends) and thanks for the advice about February madness- maybe we will play a trip in!!
My Ds both loved their freshman year. Both were in Learning Communities and participated as much as possible in dorm activities, which were frequent. Both joined several clubs early on and kept going, becoming active in them. Both made friends in their dorms and in classes. With friends, they stayed in the Bronx and went to Arthur Ave, the Zoo, the Botanical Garden, a rugby scrum, a football game. They went into Manhattan to walk the High LIne, to Central Park, to LIttle Korea. Queen’s court has free/very low cost Broadway tickets, and one went to 5 Broadway plays.
Keep going to the dance class and the clubs/activities of her choice, even if people aren’t friendly, at first. Keep an eye out for activities/clubs that may have members with interests in common with your daugher. Research has shown that college students tend to buddy up very quickly – the first weeks. It can be especially hard to “break in,” and she will likely need to be persistent – open and friendly, being seen several times by the same people, initiating conversation. She might want to focus on her fellow freshmen, as it can be harder to really be friends with upper classmen, who have their own groups.
All of this is not to recognize your daughter’s experience. Every class is different, every dorm corridor has it’s own dynamic. She might identify a couple different people she thinks she would like to be friends with and take the initative – invite them to coffee, to meet for lunch in the caf. As you note, she has likely been a bit unlucky. All she needs is one or two good friends. Best wishes to her!
*Whoops - should have been “fail to recognize your daughter’s experience is difficult.”
Yep. In short, freshmen year the hardest for obvious reasons. You can pick roomies for next year…and most, but not all get their choice. It does get better. Freshmen roomies are all struggling to survive, get along and be “accepted.” And sometimes you get someone who isnt a good match. My D had roomie issues, but they were resolved in later years though they never roomed together again. Finding a core group of people with your values takes time and a bit of effort but they are there…keep trying.
As an aside, we liked to stay at the Hyatt Grand Central. Its not cheap but discounts can be found online. It is very convenient and a good hotel with an awesome breakfast buffet and really good for seeing Manhattan and getting to and from Fordham…just use the Metro North, not the D subway. If you are driving…we stayed in Morristown/Parsippany NJ and found the Sheraton, the Morristown Inn and the Marriott were excellent and very cheap. A 45 minute drive into Fordham over the GW Bridge, take the Henry Hudson Parkway at the end of the Bridge up to Moshulu Parkway and straight into Fordham. Lovely drive.
Culture shock is normal. My kid stuck it out and overcame all her anxieties and flu and dramas and the cold gray winter…and by Spring was in the groove.
Good luck.
Could be worse, she could be at Lincoln Center ^^
It took my daughter a long time to find ‘her people’. She decided to do a lot of things by herself. She didn’t want to miss out on seeing shows or exploring the city just because she couldn’t find anyone to go with her. It gets better.
Just a word here for people on Lincoln Center. First, there is a new dorm and law school which cost over 250 million to build, in the center of Manhattan, adjacent to Central Park. That is an urbanesque campus (cf. Rose Hill which is in the Bronx, but gated and a classic self enclosed campus). But one is not “better than the other, per se.” They are different and therein is the beauty of Fordham: a choice. A clear choice.
LC also has a dance and drama program, which by their nature are somewhat cliquey and exclusive. Because its a professional training program for them…rehearsals take up a lot of their time.
One should discern carefully before picking LC or RH. Sometimes out of state people, fearful of the Bronx, choose LC…and its not a good fit. They shouldnt fear the Bronx. Or Manhattan. But respect that they are part of metropolis that is New York City. If you want bucolic pastures, this isnt it. This is a Jesuit school and almost all Jesuit campuses are urban inner city.
Picking a school should be about personalities, vibes, objectives and growth.
DS is a sophomore at RH and recently joined the Campus Activities Board. Tell your daughter to check them out - they plan lots of fun activities both on and off campus, including movie showings, theater tickets, bingo, Yankee games, concerts, etc. They are also involved with a number of the Family Weekend activities; showing parents around, and DS is conducting ‘ghost tours’ tonight for the siblings who stay over.
I don’t think many local kids go home for the weekend; last year I think DS came home once each semester outside of scheduled breaks (for a haircut, he likes his barber!).
You mentioned your daughter tried clubs and a dance class. If I remember correctly there might be a Ceili Night coming up soon and your daughter should check it out. It’s a fun night and it’s a good way to make friends since Ceili dancing is group dancing and you don’t have to know Irish dance to do this!
Give it time and she will find her niche. I hope she checks it out because it is a lot of fun.
I feel like getting used to the college life is hard for me. I’m a picky person and I have to find ”my people" who are serious about study and life. No drama, no drinking, no partying, no sexual stuff. I really focus on my moral tradition and my Catholic faith. It sucks when kids go to colleges and think they are free to do everything. I wonder if there is any way that I can take to just get away from them. Any mom would like to help a high school senior girl who is considering Fordham? I’m frustrating about the social scene in college.
hi @Fiona1997 Queens Court is the housing that RH that seems the most serious and non partying to my daughter. Be careful and truthful when you fill out your housing details so you get a roomate that works best with your style. Join clubs that are your interests and the bar scene down on Arthur doesnt seems to be what you are looking for.
Good luck! Have you received your letter yet?
@MMCheer no I haven’t…
Hey @Fiona1997 if you do hear good news from Fordham, do what @MMCheer advises and be very very very truthful when answering the housing questions. Fordham does a very good job matching people up. If you are not a partier you should be looking at what Queens Court has to offer. But to be honest, they do have their partiers there also. There are some, but not all. There were many that do not do the bar scene at all. Investigate each dorm http://www.fordham.edu/info/21234/first-year_student_housing and see which one seems to fit your style.
Good luck and I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you.
so kind of an interesting tid bit- the bars on Arthur were raided last week and closed down. Note on door of two of them closed by order Supreme Court. Hoping this get people moving into different pursuits. I think one may be left