Can somebody critique my 150 word essay?

College Essays
1

<p>Hello,</p>

<p>I am doing the Common App and I am at the 150 word essay right now about elaborating on one of my extracurricular activities.</p>

<p>Can somebody tell me if this is good to go? </p>

<p>The delightful sound of discreet laughter. The gentle poke on your shoulder indicating a homework question. Is it 3:30 p.m. yet? During school, I restlessly wait for Boys and Girls Club, a children’s after school organization, located in a low economic town. I yearn for the smiles, the “thank you’s” and the overall pleasure of helping a child in need. As surprising as it may sound, they mentor me, as I mentor them. Their courage and determination amazes me to a point where I admire them. A divorce. The deportation of parents. Death. They’ve gone through it. That is why, the gratitude they return is what proves the true reasons for why I volunteer here. It makes me feel wanted, useful, and cared for and I always try and express the same emotions towards them, because they have unknowingly taught me moral lessons, making this experience incredibly worthwhile. </p>

<p>Thanks.</p>

2

<p>here are some minor changes I would make…</p>

<p>The sound of discreet laughter. (too many adj. clutters the sentence) The gentle poke on my shoulder indicating a homework question. Is it 3:30 p.m. yet? During school, I wait restlessly for Boys and Girls Club, a children’s after school organization, located in an indigent (low economic doesn’t make sense) town. I yearn for the smiles, the “thank you’s” and the overall pleasure of helping a child in need. As surprising as it may sound, they mentor me, as much as I mentor them. Their courage and determination amazes me and has taught me many lessons (the bit about lessons seems more effective here, but that is just my opinion. The phrase moral lessons is sometimes considered redundant; the word amazes already implies admiration.) A divorce. The deportation of parents. Death. They’ve gone through it. That is why their gratitude is the true reason why I volunteer here. (be concise) It makes me feel wanted, useful, and cared for–emotions I try to express back to them, making this experience incredibly worthwhile. (moving the part about lessons makes this sentence more straightforward and makes for a stronger ending)</p>

3

<p>After reading this, I didn’t really know what you actually do/what you have done in this club. IMo you could talk a little more about that?</p>