Can somebody please critique my essay!!!

<p>I just did a quick draft of my common app essay. The prompt is "Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence." </p>

<p>I just need a quick critique to set me on the right track! I don't want to further this topic if it isn't something worthy :(</p>

<p>Can anyone volunteer some time? its barely a page!</p>

<p>I can look at it for you. PM me</p>