Can somebody rate my answer to essay 1 on the app???

Colleges & Universities A-Z University of Illinois - Urbana-Champaign
1

<p>I have many interests, and, well accomplishments that I feel are at least noteworthy. You already know my name, where I live, and where I was born. However, I admit, you don’t know me. Obviously that’s what the question aks for, and I hope that you will get to know me, or at least some of me, through this essay.
I have many interests, many of them being ones that are not intellectually related and many that are. I can’t deny the fact I like to have fun, but I also know that I have to work hard in school to get ahead in life. I admit that I did procrastinate during a substantial portion of my highschool career, and my mistakes did take their toll on my grades. I definitely learned from the mistakes I have made so far, and in the future I plan on working first and having fun later. I felt I had to write this because if I didn’t admit my mistakes, then who else would?
One of my major interests has always been reading. My favorite genre to read is science fiction and fantasy. Ever since I was a little kid I would constantly read books. My favorite book, actually series, has to be Harry Potter. I can still remember when the first book came out, I was about twelve, and after reading it the first time I couldn’t put it down. There is just something magical about reading books, and there is no better feeling than when you finish reading a good book. I’m also an avid fan of movies. Comedies, dramas, action movies, you name it. My favorite movie of all time, or movies, are the Star Wars movies. Nothing better than a old fashioned jedi duel on a rainy day. I also tend to follow the Bulls closely, and no matter what anyone says, Michael Jordan is the greatest basketball player of all time. I have a feeling that the Bulls may actually have a chance of winning the NBA finals this year, maybe. I also enjoy playing video games, Halo and Super Smash Brothers Melee being my all time favorites.
As for my accomplishments, I think one of my greatest ones would have to be finally being able to go to college and experience what life truly has to offer. I can’t wait for next year, but I still don’t want this one to go by too fast. I’m not sure this would really be considered as an accomplishment, but I have worked at my local hospital for a little over an year now, and I definitely can say that helping out gives me a sense of pride and I could ask for no better reward. I think this in a way has to be my best accomplishment. Yet, I also have experienced many things throughout my life to know that an accomplishment doesn’t necessarily have to be a big one to be a great one. Learning to ride a bike, tying your shoes, and even hitting a baseball are all accomplishments. Right now I can’t think of too many accomplishments, because I think a person doesn’t need to list all their accomplishments to be special. I think just living a good life is an accomplishment, and that is what I want to try and do, live a good life so that someday I can make a difference in the world, no matter how small it might be.
I hope you enjoyed reading my essay, and I would like to leave you with just a few more words. I know that words sometimes don’t mean much, and that people exaggerate a lot of the time, but this time I wrote this essay like I should have, as me. I admit that this must be about the fifth or sixth time I have written this essay, the reason being that each time I was done with my essay I would delete it because it really wasn’t me writing it. The person writing all those other essays was a me who was solely aimed at trying to impress you, well this time I was just me, plain old me. A person who just was himself. I still hope that I impressed you, though this time as myself. I thank you for the time you spent reading my essay, and I hoped you learned more about me. I did enjoy writing this essay, and now I can add this to my list of “accomplishments”. I also hope that in the future that I can add being a graduate of UIUC to my list of accomplishments as well.</p>

<p>I was also wondering what are my chances?? I plan on sending my stuff in sometime next week, thus before the end of the priority filing period.</p>

<p>In-State
GPA 3.2 W and 3.05 UW</p>

<p>And which ACT is better to send, starting in order I took them
ACT Composite = 26
English 27
Math 24
Reading 26
Science 26</p>

<p>ACT Composite= 26
English 28
Math 24
Reading 29
Science 22</p>

<p>ACT Composite= 26
English 30
Math 23
Reading 25
Science 26</p>

<p>In my second essay I plan on writing about my experiences at my intership position in the ER at my local hospital.</p>

<p>ER Internship 1 year long, 20 hrs a wk, 50 wks in the yr
Volunteer Hours at Hospital 40 hrs</p>

<p>Will my hospital stuff help me?</p>

<p>Any input is appreciated, and sorry for the messy format, I had to do this quick, thanks.</p>

2

<p>Wow, that is close to 800 words long. It's not supposed to be over 300!!!!!!
They won't even read it!</p>

<p>And your chances, I must say are pretty low. You have a low ACT score with a very low GPA. The one thing though is your ER internship, wow. 20 hrs. a week? Wow!</p>

<p>For reference the average ACT score to get into UIUC last year was a 29. The middle 50% was 27-31. For LAS it was 26-30 (average score of around 28 then). This year it is supposed to be a bit harder to get into UIUC, especially LAS. I would recommend applying priority (deadline is Nov 15) and having great essays. Talk a lot about that internship too.</p>

3

<p>Do I really need to shorten my essay down? Is it a huge deal, or will they really not read it.</p>

4

<p>"Do I really need to shorten my essay down? Is it a huge deal, or will they really not read it."</p>

<p>Well, the description of the essay says it should be around 300 words. Having it be that long will only hurt you, not help you.</p>

5

<p>Ok so I should make it 300, got it. But as for the interests and stuff, does it sound corny? Or is that what they want me to write about? I'm saving all my ER experiences for the second essay. Should I leave out all that accomplishment, the conclusion, and stuff like that?</p>

6

<p>The essay needs major revising. First and foremost, it is FAR too long. UIUC requires it to be limited to approximately 300 words; yours is 772 words long. Other major points that need be dealt with:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>You should not restate the prompt in any way in your essay (e.g. "Obviously that’s what the question aks for"). This is a waste of space as the adcoms already know what they require you to write about.</p></li>
<li><p>You should not address the reader directly (e.g. "I thank you for the time you spent"). Try to limit the use of the word "you" as much as possible.</p></li>
<li><p>Delete all sentences that do not have anything to do with the topic at hand (your interests and accomplishments). E.g. "I admit that this must be about the fifth or sixth time I have written this essay"</p></li>
<li><p>"The person writing all those other essays was a me who was solely aimed at trying to impress you, well this time I was just me, plain old me." This is absolutely the wrong attitude to have. You are hurting your chances of admission with phrases like "I admit that I did procrastinate" and "Right now I can’t think of too many accomplishments." The essay should be written in a manner that shows that you are a unique individual with qualities that make you worthy of attending a top university. You say in your essay that you think this is "exaggeration." This is the way it is supposed to be written. ALL college essays are about showing the college admissions officials that you are intelligent and unique, NOT that you are just "plain, old you." Your modesty here is detrimental. I am not saying you should lie about your accomplishments, but that you should not be showing yourself in a negative manner. There may be something that you can talk about here instead of just saying that you do not have any accomplishments that are noteworthy. If there isn't, then focus more on interests than accomplishments. Just don't bluntly state that you have no accomplishments. It's equivalent to saying "Don't admit me."</p></li>
<li><p>When the prompt instructs you to write about your interests, it does not mean you should make a list of your favorites. Video games and sports should not be mentioned at all. Books and movies might have a place in the essay, but if and only if they were significant enough that they have substantially impacted your life or your way of thinking in some way. Also make sure that they are intellectual in some way. In my opinion, Harry Potter and Star Wars qualify more as entertainment for the masses than works that might change your life. What you should be doing here is talking about music, sports, or any hobbies that show talent and commitment. Note that when I say music, I mean insturments that you play, not your favorite bands; The same goes for sports; talk about how you have devoted a substatial amount of time playing in a school sport. Even if you haven't done these sort of things, you can still talk about a deep interest in, for example, politics, science, literature, and etc. Just make sure that it shows you as someone with intellectual curiosity, not someone who likes the same things as everyone else (e.g. movies, popular books, sports teams).</p></li>
<li><p>"but I have worked at my local hospital for a little over an year now, and I definitely can say that helping out gives me a sense of pride and I could ask for no better reward." I like this sentence. A lot. Your whole essay should be more like this sentence. Also, it most certainly qualifies as an accomplishment that you can talk about.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>I hope you were not offended by any of my criticisms; they were intended solely to help you. Regarding your chances, your ACT score is at the 25th percentile for admitted freshmen and your GPA indicates that your class rank may be low as well. This means that your numbers alone give you a low chance of admission and you will have to rely on a well written essay and good list of extracurricular activities to gain admission. You can send any of the 3 ACT scores because UIUC will only look at the composite score, I believe. But of the 3, the last one has the highest section scores and would be the one I would choose just in case they do look at them.</p>

7

<p>Just to make sure, what is you rank and what College are you applying to? (LAS?)</p>

8

<p>My honest opinion, and i'm not trying to be an jerk, i'm just trying to motivate you to fix it: It's awful.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>DO NOT go over the word limit. Showing you are unable to follow directions and/or are a rule breaker right off the bat is bad news. Why should you get 500 more words than everyone else?</p></li>
<li><p>Once you shorten it you'll find that you do not have enough space to restate the question in your intro, furthermore, you will not have enough time to talk about star wars or light saber battles on rainy days. Yes, it shows character, but everything in your essay should be related to a single re-occuring theme, I can't see how star wars or your favorite books relate to anything, no matter what your major is. If you decide you MUST talk about these things, show that you have a superior grasp of the material and relate it to your major.</p></li>
<li><p>The grammar is awful. Don't do things like "My favorite book, actually series, has to be Harry Potter". Don't interrupt yourself mid-thought like that, it's fine in conversation, but it does not translate well to a formal essay at all. Don't write this essay like you are having casual conversation, write it so we know you've taken time to nit-pick every single word so that it is intelligent and formal.</p></li>
<li><p>Don't even HINT at your failures as a person or student. They don't want to see where you screwed up, they can tell that from your GPA and transcript and whatnot. Instead, show them that you are an intelligent, determined, innovative person aside from your weaknesses. Don't mention a single weakness, I believe there's another section on the application for brief explanations like that (i wouldnt even put anything there if i were you).</p></li>
<li><p>You don't have a very good chance for admission with the low GPA, low ACT and poor essay. There's probably nothing you can do about the first two at this point, so fix the last one. You need help, if I were an admissions officer i'd have put the essay down after the first paragraph. Your essay needs to stand out and use EVERY word to help you towards your goal of admission. Also, make sure you include very important things first, there's no gurantee an admissions officer won't put you on the denied pile after just a paragraph or two, you need to captivate them! Since you have such a large amount of revising to do, I'd read testimonials on this site, as well as some sample essays and see if their guidance is right for you: <a href="http://www.essayedge.com%5B/url%5D"&gt;www.essayedge.com&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;&lt;/li>
</ol>

<p>I could have done a full critique, but it's my opinion that you just need to start over completely. I know, it sounds like i'm being a real prick, but I want to see you get into U of I since everyone who comes to this board is very determined and deserves a shot. If I was nice about it and tip-toed around the real problems to be polite i don't think you'd do anything about it.</p>

9

<p>Thank you all for your help, it means alot to me. I plan on applying to LAS in biological sciences, and my class rank is about 120/600.</p>

10

<p>...first off, i'm amazed that your rank is that high with your GPA. My GPA is a 3.4, and my rank is 214/620. Hmm. </p>

<p>And i have to concur with most everything these people said. I cringed when you mentioned Harry Potter, Bulls, and Star Wars. Unless you want to go into the traditional epic hero portrayed through Star Wars, or all the hidden meanings behind Harry Potter... i would leave that all out.</p>

<p>And don't say 'i don't know if this counts as an accomplishment' for the most impressive stat on there! I wrote my essay about being in 4-H because U of I is like...their headquarters. Since oyu want to go into biological sciences, talk about THAT. I know you're saving that for your professional essay, but i think you should at least allude to it.</p>

<p>And again, get rid of all the informalities. It's peachy if you have a quirky writing style...but this just seems like... i don't know.</p>

<p>Since you have lower stats, a lot rests on your essays. Good luck.</p>

11

<p>Thanks, and my class rank is correct, my school isn't known for turning out scholars....</p>

12

<p>Thanks, and my class rank is correct, my school isn't known for turning out scholars....</p>

13

<p>Hah, i wasn't questioning its validity. I was just jealous^.^
My school is like...eh. But my CLASS are like...insane scholary people. My friend graduated early, so she was ranked with the seniors when we were juniors. And she has previously been like...one hundred something. And when she moved up, she was in the top ten.</p>

14

<p>So I see that I have to make my essay 300 words, cut all that lame crap I wrote, make it formal, don't us "you", and more. Thank you to all who responded. Now my question is what interest then should I really adress in my essay. I have the second essay covered with my hospital volunteering and internship, but the first essay concerns me.</p>

<p>What should I talk about from this list of interests I have compiled:</p>

<p>Poker- Play all the time, fun, strategy, blah
Pool- Fun, Blah, Blah
I like listening to music so could I just include a line or two about that?
I guess I could say I like biology and stuff, but how should I go about talking about it?
I play basketball with friends
Nothing else really, could I at least write a "good" essay with this stuff?</p>

<p>I have my hospital stuff, maybe I can include just alittle of that for my accomplishments, but I can't really think of any other accomplishments, can somebody give me a list of generic accomplishments that I may have done and can include.</p>

<p>THANK YOU TO ALL</p>

15

<p>
[quote]
I guess I could say I like biology and stuff, but how should I go about talking about it?

[/quote]
</p>

<p>This is the only one that i can honestly say would make an impact.</p>

<p>...and i promise i'm not just being a jerk...i'm trying to give valid imput.</p>

16

<p>You don't want to include just a line or two here and there about things like music and basketball. If you're going to discuss something you need to do it the whole time.</p>

<p>When I went to a visitation day at the university the admissions officers said you need to make your essay unique. It also needs to show you are really dedicated to something. It doesn't absolutely have to be your major you are so dedicated to, but I'd recommend it. The example they gave was a wanna-be architecture applicant who discussed a bridge-building project in physics and how thoroughly it tested his abilities and provided enjoyment/showed interest.</p>

<p>You really ought to take a look at some of the revised sample essays from this website: <a href="http://www.essayedge.com/promo/samplework.shtml%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.essayedge.com/promo/samplework.shtml&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>I'm not even saying you should use that service, just have a look at what a good essay looks like, because it still doesn't sound like you're getting the idea. Maybe have a look at the swimming one. Notice the central theme of dedication/hardwork/committment.</p>

<p>Maybe discuss one certain day/patient of your time in the ER when you really got a sense for how important what you were doing was/how well you handled the situation/how much you realized this was what you wanted to do.</p>

<p>I really think it's better to have two essays on somewhat similar topics (if you must), than to have one great essay about the volunteer work and one about harry potter.</p>

17

<p>I don't think it's really necessary for you to talk about multiple interests and multiple accomplishments. Basically the essay is just asking to know more about you. I'm sure they'd rather have you focus on one or two extremely important aspects of yourself rather than go off into tangents or list things.</p>

<p>In mine I chose just one personal accomplishment and talked about how that has changed me as a person, and how I'm going to apply it to the real world etc etc. And just from reading that they also get a sense of my personality and what kind of person I am. I guess I don't have any extremely "unique" interests (just typical stuff like you listed) so I wanted to give my essay direction.</p>

<p>I'm no college essay expert - I'm in the exact same shoes as you (pretty similar stats too) - but I'd honestly think that you could write about the hospital thing as an accomplishment and base your entire essay around it. At the same time make sure you're addressing the whole question. If you wanted to be really creative, (it may be tough to do this though...) you could do some kind of analogy or comparison with your love for Harry Potter, Star Wars, or Sports (choose one) and then make it fit in with your love for helping people?! Dunno how you'd do that but I've heard of some famous essay where someone talked about a Chipotle burrito or something. </p>

<p>I think to an extent, the people posting above me are wrong when they say you can't talk about those interests (Harry Potter etc). You just have to address them in an intellectual way which may be really difficult...but it's doable. But to play it safe you're probably better off writing about something like the hospital. Don't take the essay prompt so literally and answer it like a question. Ex: What is your favorite color and why? Bad Answer: Purple is my favorite color because it is pretty. Better Answer: As I wake up in the morning, my eyes see four purple walls...blah blah blah</p>

<p>Meh. Hope I atleast helped a tad.</p>

18

<p>hey barren what school you go to?</p>

19

<p>^ Unfortunately, I go to Neuqua where probably a third of my graduating class is applying to U of I.</p>