<p>please?
i feel like its a bit unorganized. :P
During the summer, hoards of children are seen running by. Women sit on the front porch of their small houses gossiping about the neighbors. Their nostalgic husbands are clustered in groups drinking and talking about their adolescent days in Mexico. Every other weekend, rancheras can be heard booming out of a disc jockeys sound equipment system. Sometimes, you can witness teenagers chasing each other with bats or guns. Like any other particular environment, my neighborhood has influenced my beliefs and has structured my way of thinking. Most importantly, this setting is a place I identify myself with.*
*
When I entered high school, I discovered a world of diversity, attentiveness, creativity and endearment- everything that my vicinity seemed to lack. In school, I felt uncomfortable with the fact that I was closely tied to my community. I was also overwhelmed by the magnitude of homework given to me. Everything seemed so unexpected and so sudden; I did not know how to adjust. Furthermore, I did not have the resources to make the adjustment. My parents knowledge of high school was very limited, and so was mine. This unfamiliarity caused my grades to plunge. </p>
<p>Somewhere In the beginning of my junior year I had an epiphany. I realized that these were not valid excuses for my failure. I decided to take push myself beyond my limits and embrace this new intellectual community I had become part of. Now, I am proud of where my parents have come from. I value their determination for me to succeed, but now it is I who must take control. Instead of sulking, I have surrounded myself with positive role models that can take on the duty of any educated parent. Integration has taught me to succeed in ANY setting.</p>
<p>I hope this is not too late…
I also wrote about my neighborhood/community as the “environment.”
A few suggestions by paragraph:
Par. 1: Use less passive voice. It’s a bit awkward when it suddenly transitions to “You can witness” from things like “are seen” and “can be heard.”
Par. 2: I would significantly shorten this paragraph. Your change (or the “After/Now”) and HOW/WHY exactly you changed should be the emphasis of your essay, not the “Before.”
Par. 3: Again, “an epiphany” is quite generic. We readers want to know the important details!</p>
<p>You might want to ask an admin here to remove this thread. It’s never wise to post an essay online. You can solicit help and send it as a personal message.</p>
<p>I hope this isn’t too late either, but the essay looks like a first draft. It has lots of good ideas, but it’s hard to tell what your focus or emphasis is. It seems you’re talking about your initial struggles and then success in an integrated environment? I agree with the above poster, make your emphasis at to HOW/WHY you succeeded or “changed.” You need to tell more about yourself. In the first paragraph, put yourself in the environment. How do you participate in that environment/culture?</p>
<p>Don’t use the word “you” ever… ever in an essay. Unless you’re writing a letter, it’s generally a bad idea to use the second person because it sounds very didactic.</p>
<p>To be frank, you essay sounds insipid. I feel as though you’re speaking underwater, I can understand what you’re trying to say alright, but the emotion and power of the situation is lost on me. </p>
<p>Also, you don’t sound terribly specific in this essay. To the best of my knowledge, this prompt was deigned to make you zero in on one distinct setting and discuss its significance, not just talk about your entire high school career in retrospect. Neither they nor I, to be brutally honest, really much have any concern about your high school career in this sort of essay. It does not show me that one pivotal moment that it needs to do so. I mean, it is a fine piece, but, to the best of my judgement it is ill-fitting for the task at hand.</p>