Can someone please grade my SAT essay?

Test Preparation
1

<p>I took a practice SAT essay today from a prompt that was in the Princeton's Reading and Writing Workout for the NEW SAT. This is was the second time I wrote an essay. </p>

<p>PROMPT: "Up to this point, I had no experienced a challenge of this magnitude. Never before had I felt so assailed from all fronts. It was a test. My character and my will would for the first time be tempered by hardship. I knew at this moment that the quality that would be most instrumental to my success was my sense of patience. Yes, the patience to endure. In moments of strife, there is no more useful quality than patience."</p>

<p>ASSIGNMENT: Which quality do you believe is the most useful during times of difficulty?</p>

<p>ESSAY:
Patience, among other virtues such as courage, is an inevitable fact in hard situations. Courage allows us to face our imminent fears while patience lets us assess a situation and determine the best course of action. But which quality is more important during times of difficulty? When considering Equality’s patience in Ayn Rand’s Anthem and Athens’s decision to prolong the war with Sparta, it is clear that patience is the greatest virtue in moments of strife.</p>

<p>Literature bears witness to the fact that patience is the best quality in hard moments. In the society of Ayn Rand’s Anthem, technology is almost banned and in its place brotherhood is promoted. However, one member of that society, Equality, decides to invest in technology by inventing the light bulb. Equality knows that his invention is prohibited by society, but he remains patient and perfects his invention through a series of experiments. By waiting until the appropriate moment to show the leaders of the society his invention, Equality almost assures himself that his invention will be accepted. Equality could have courageously showed his invention to everyone else when he first discovered it, but instead decides to assess the situation through his patience and wait for the correct opportunity. Thus, Equality shows that patience could potentially pay off in difficult times.</p>

<p>On a similar note in history, Athens also demonstrates that it is advantageous to use patience in difficult times. Athens, one of the premier city-sates of ancient Greece, engaged in the Peloponnesian War with Sparta. With a reputation of having the strongest army in all of Greece, Sparta was almost assured a victory. However, Athens decided to use its patience and looked all the aspects of the situation – in this case, the war. The obvious course of action would be to se send out Athens’s army, which was comprised of hoplites, to quickly face Sparta’s army in a quick and decisive battle. However, this would surely ensure defeat for Athens. Instead, Athens decided to prolong the war – by twenty years, in fact – in hopes that Sparta would eventually have to return home to gather more supplies. By using patience and instead of courageously fighting Sparta in a critical battle, Athens assured itself independence for at least twenty years. This just shows that patience allows us to find the best course of action.</p>

<p>However, it may be tempting to say at times that courage is the greatest virtue in difficult situations because it allows us to face our dangers which we normally avoid during easier times. Yet, courage may make us haphazardly make a decision. In difficult times, patience is better because we can determine the best action to take. Patience also allows us to wait until the correct opportunity arises. Although courage may give us the extra “push” into action, patience determines the correct course of action. </p>

<p>Ayn Rand’s Anthem and Anthen’s prolonging of the war show that patience is the best virtue in difficult times. However, for future decisions, we should value all of our assets by first using patience to find the correct decision to take, and then by using a combination of our other virtues, such as courage, to help us achieve that action.</p>

2

<p>Anyone...please?</p>

3

<p>How is there a "difficult time" when Equality had the time to further refine his invention?</p>

<p>Athens example was pretty good.</p>

<p>Interesting organization....intro, example 1 , example 2, analytical paragraph (saying some of the same stuff in the intro), conclusion</p>

<p>Overall: Good word usage, organization is a little shaky, one example was a bit vague,.....I suppose you would get a 4 or 5.</p>

4

<p>Don't say "could" when concluding your paragraph because the reader will think that you're unsure in defending your point. </p>

<p>What I would also consider for this essay is to define "difficult times" because it seems like you're wavering in word usage ("Hard moments, Moments of strife, e.c.t") If you define what it means to be in a difficult time in the opening paragraph, your examples will be much clearer. </p>

<p>For some picky details, you should not have ended your introduction with "When considering... strife" this phrase should clearly start your second paragraph. To be more direct next time, you should state your position in the introduction w/o using one of your literary examples, because, as evident in your essay, redundancy and lack of flow start to stick their ugly heads into the picture. </p>

<p>Finally, your conclusion shoots off into a weird tangent by emphasizing the importance of other virtues besides patience, when the whole purpose of your essay is to try to show the importance of patience in times of difficulty independent of other virtues. (When you say in the future, what do you mean? The essay asks for difficult times, so are you meaning to say difficult times in the future?) </p>

<p>On a scale from 2-12, I would say that your essay is an 8.</p>

5

<p>I say 9-10. The essay contains all of the basic points in one: thesis, and opening/closing sentences that connect back to the thesis. Other tidbits such as syntax and diction are very acceptable as well.</p>

<p>However, the analysis is what prevents you from getting the solid 10-12. You should include courage in your examples more. Also, the 4th paragraph mentions things that you don't develop.</p>

6

<p>I read on TakeSat.com that one of the methods you should do is: </p>

<p>Paragraph 1: Intro
Paragraph 2: Example 1
Paragraph 3: Example 2
Paragraph 4: Show the other point of view so that you show that you are aware of all sides of the question but then explain why your side is better
Paragraph 5: Conclusion</p>

<p>I tried following this format by showing the other point of view briefly (in this case - courage). I remember in the CB Blue Book, there was an essay that got a 6 that followed this format. It was the second essay on deception under the writing section practice. In that essay the person talked about how deception is bad but then in his fourth paragraph said how it can be tempting at times to use deception to protect a child's innocence. </p>

<p>Do you think this is a good format to follow?</p>

7

<p>I give it a 9</p>

8

<p>lildezikobe, I know you want the 12, but I have gotten 11 on a few essays(probably not a 12 because of my grammar). This is the organization I would recommend:</p>

<p>Intro- 3 sentences MAX(remember you dont have much time and you have limited space.
Example 1 - History or Literature
Example 2 - History or Literature(if history with 1st example, history again if you are doing 2 history and 1 lit)
Example 3 - Literature if you have done 2 history(remember always have one literary example).
Conclusion - very short, 2 sentences will do, restate thesis in a creative way</p>

<p>My friend who has an 800 writing does 3 literary examples, she is talented though. </p>

<p>Remember 2-3 history will usually get you the 10, 2 history and 1 lit if written correctly will get you 11-12. 3 examples > 2 examples, just think quickly. </p>

<p>Also, make sure the essay is as persuasive as possible, they dont like answers that "qualify".</p>

9

<p>My essay was worse than this and I got an 11. I doubt this would get lower than a 10.</p>

10

<p>Ive just read it, its funny because I used Anthem in my last essay. The only criticism I have is the thing with the final two paragraphs. They seem to overlap each other... as if there are two conclusion paragraphs.</p>

11

<p>Wow this topic was from a long time ago...</p>

<p>Thanks for the advice but that essay I wrote up there is pretty horrible I think. Ryan2288, thanks for the advice - thats what I'm basically following now except I do 1 history, 1 literature, and 1 personal. What do you think of that format??</p>

12

<p>I was wondering if it was better to do three examples and discuss each briefly or to do one big example (2 paragraphs description, 1 analysis)? Also, how much analysis would be enough (mainly let description speak for itself, 1/2 example, 1/2 analysis, one sentence example, rest analysis)?</p>

13

<p>I'd say a 10 maybe 11</p>