<p>Hey guys! So i was writing a college essay for the university of Cincinnati and the topic that i chose was describe a life changing event that has happened to you. I wrote this paper to the best of my ability if you guys can throw your two cents in before i submit id really appreciate that! Heres a link to my essay you guys can also email me at <a href="mailto:sheehan1p@sbcglobal.net">sheehan1p@sbcglobal.net</a>
Thanks in advance!!</p>
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<p>any takers? come on guys i really need some feedback haha im trying to tune this in soon
Thanks</p>
<p>Heres my essay so it makes it a bit easier if you guys really dont want to download the file</p>
<pre><code> They say your life flashes right in front of your eyes during a near death experience and your mind subconsciously try’s to recall past life experiences to put into solution to why the dramatic experience is occurring. My life changing experience was deffenetly one to remember and one to never forget. In my eyes I never really thought the concept of your life flashing before your eyes was true and was simply so pretentious, the whole idea of it to me just was so vague. It was far from distinction from reality to fantasy.
We lived in Mentor Ohio and my parents were self employed. They owned there own business which was a small grocery store 15 minutes away in Downtown Cleveland. Surprisingly the store was really busy and there were constantly customers in and out, we had one of the busiest locations in Cleveland for the Ohio lottery. The only problem my parents had was they could never find good help, if they did find someone it was someone only temporarily or we ended catching them stealing and having to fire them. For the most part I was always there to help them out which meant going in every single day after school. I know it seemed a bit rough cause I never got a single day off by when it came for me to step up, I did because I couldn’t just leave my parents helpless like that.
It was a snowy night in Cleveland Ohio six days before Christmas. I was on shift working alongside with my dad and we were both closing the store which was at twelve. From what i remember It was a very exhausting evening, we were busy that entire day and now it had finally calmed down. I went to make some food behind the counter wile my father was busy re stocking the coolers. I proceeded to eat while watching the news, out of my peripheral I noticed three African American male subjects walking at an abnormally fast pace rate to the front door. In normal instances i would not be alarmed but this occasion was different because they were all wearing black bandanas covering there mouths. I knew that instant that something was wrong, I got up abruptly but by the time I even had a chance to warn my dad the three men were already inside guns drawn to my dad face and one drawn to my face.
As a stared down into the barrel of the gun with my right eye the grooves of the barrel acted as almost as a pendulum hyptotying me in to a state of unconsciousness. I didn’t realize it but my life was flashing right before the eyes, everything went into slow motion and the memories started to to flash just as if they had a book and were flipping the pages right in between my eyes and the guns barrel which was separating me from life or death. I saw everything from my childhood to my teen years within milliseconds!
The three gunmen got the cash from all three registers, me and my dad did were not injured nor harmed in the predicament and right as they left i proceeded the call the authorities. Cleveland Police responded with minutes and a basic report was filed, the gunmen were never caught till this day. Going through that made me realize how precious life really is. Anyones life can be taken within a split second and you should live every day like theres no tomorrow. Cherish and love what you have in life because that may not be there tomorrow. In my case it was not my time to go.
</code></pre>
<p>Corrections in parentheses:
They say your life flashes right in front of your eyes during a near death experience and your mind subconsciously (tries) to recall past life experiences to put into solution to why the dramatic experience is occurring. (<- second half of this sentence doesn’t make sense) My life changing experience was (definitely) one to remember and one to never forget. In my eyes(,) I never really thought the concept of your life flashing before your eyes was true and was simply so pretentious(
the whole idea of it to me just was so vague. It was far from distinction from reality to fantasy.
We lived in Mentor(,) Ohio and my parents were self employed. They owned (their) own business(,) which was a small grocery store 15 minutes away in Downtown Cleveland. Surprisingly(,) the store was really busy and there were constantly customers in and out( we had one of the busiest locations in Cleveland for the Ohio lottery. The only problem my parents had was they could never find good help( if they did find someone it was someone only temporarily or we ended catching them stealing and having to fire them. For the most part(,) I was always there to help them out(,) which meant going in every single day after school. I know it seemed a bit rough (be)cause I never got a single day off (but) when it came for me to step up, I did because I couldn’t just leave my parents helpless like that. (The last part of this paragraph sounds arrogant)
It was a snowy night in Cleveland Ohio six days before Christmas. I was on shift working alongside with my dad and we were both closing the store at twelve. From what i remember(,) it was a very exhausting evening( we were busy that entire day and now it had finally calmed down. I went to make some food behind the counter (while) my father was busy restocking the coolers. I proceeded to eat while watching the news( out of my peripheral I noticed three African American male subjects walking at an abnormally fast pace rate to the front door. In normal instances (I) would not be alarmed but this occasion was different because they were all wearing black bandanas covering (their) mouths. I knew that instant that something was wrong, I got up abruptly but by the time I even had a chance to warn my dad the three men were already inside guns drawn to my (dad’s) face and one drawn to my face.
As a stared down into the barrel of the gun with my right eye the grooves of the barrel acted as almost as a pendulum (hypnotizing) me in to a state of unconsciousness. (<-doesn’t make sense) I didn’t realize it but my life was flashing right before the eyes9;) everything went into slow motion and the memories started to flash just as if they had a book and were flipping the pages right in between my eyes and the guns barrel which was separating me from life or death. I saw everything from my childhood to my teen years within milliseconds!
The three gunmen got the cash from all three registers, me and my dad did were not injured nor harmed in the predicament and right as they left (I) proceeded the call the authorities. Cleveland Police responded with minutes and a basic report was filed( the gunmen were never caught till this day. Going through that made me realize how precious life really is. Anyone’s life can be taken within a split second and you should live every day like there’s no tomorrow. Cherish and love what you have in life because that may not be there tomorrow. In my case it was not my time to go.</p>
<p>I’m going to be blunt because I don’t have the patience, but hey, at least someone’s telling you: It sounds like a tough experience, and I’m very sorry it happened to you, but it’s an awful essay, and will play very poorly with admissions committees. </p>
<ul>
<li><p>The ethnicity of the attackers. I get it, they were black, you’re trying to describe them, but it’s immaterial to the point of your story and, in the context of this particular essay, hints at prejudice.</p></li>
<li><p>"… my parents were self employed. They owned there own business which was a small grocery store 15 minutes away in Downtown Cleveland." There are so many things wrong with this sentence I don’t know where to start.</p></li>
<li><p>Your hardship was that “the help” was stealing from you? See above about prejudice. </p></li>
<li><p>You do not, at all, you spend only a sentence or two elaborating on the lesson you learned from this, and it’s the biggest cliche ever. There are going to be kids writing about having parents dying when they were young, about watching relatives struggle with cancer, about a bunch of other this-is-what-taught-me-how-precious-life-is experiences. Being robbed at gunpoint was apparently yours, and I understand that, but I have no idea why.</p></li>
<li><p>Many, many other things.</p></li>
</ul>
<p>Is this essay salvageable? Yes, of course. Because it IS an experience that understandably taught you how valuable life is. But you badly, badly need to work on your grammar, your sentence construction, you need to flesh out what you were feeling during the experience and ditch the unimportant descriptors and cheap cliches.</p>
<p>Oh wow well I really honestly appreciate the feedback from you both it really helps but I didn’t know it was this bad… I will for take all the corrections and feedback and revise this</p>
<p>Ok, I just realized all my semi-colons were replaced with so just replace all those with semi-colons</p>
<p>I quickly lost interest because it took a long time to develop.</p>
<p>Just told a story and summed it up in two sentences in a really cliche way.</p>
<p>Would make more interesting if told in present tense I think, but oh well. </p>
<p>Kind of bland diction.</p>
<p>No exclamation marks please.</p>
<p>sry for bluntness, went quickly</p>
<p>thanks bittany! im kinda confused as what to do with this essay i dont know if i should choose something else to write about or revise this</p>
<p>I think it might be good enough for univ. of cin. with some edits, barely know anything about the college though. sorry for being so mean in my previous post :(</p>
<p>No no! dont be sorry TheReelThing thats why i posted it on here to get some feedback and for me to see my mistakes maybe it just needs some revision thats but you think it’ll be okay for the uni after that?</p>
<p>idk anything about the university you’re applying to so i’m not sure, it’s ok with revisions i guess? dunno</p>
<p>hmm gotcha gotcha well guess ill work on it some more and hope for the best</p>