Can you grade my essay?

Test Preparation
1

<p>Please grade my essay and comment on it; it would greatly appreciated. 1-12, SAT Scale.</p>

<p>Prompt: Is deception ever justified?</p>

<p>Essay (as on paper):</p>

<p>Deception can act as a impetus for people to get along. In many literature and historical events, deception has proved to help people for the better.</p>

<p>In A Separate Peace by John Knowles, the protagonist Gene causes his best friend Finny to fall out of a tree and shatter his leg. Gene does this in a moment of passionate jealousy, but immediately feels remorse for his actions. In an attempt to reconcile with his companion, Gene sheepishly tells Finny the truth, but Finny is too delirious to understand Gene and misunderstands and denies Gene's uncomfortable truths. After this incident, Gene decides to keep the incident a secret in order to uphold and maintain their friendship By doing this, by deceiving Finny, Gene allows their good-hearted relationship continue, despite its recent events.</p>

<p>Moreover, in The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison, Pecola Breedlove is deceived by Soaphead Church. Throughout out the historical fiction novel, Pecola, a adolescent black girl, is shunned by Whites and Blacks alike because she is perceived to be horrendously ugly. In an attempt to remove this reputation, Pecola wishes for blue eyes amidst her abuse ,thinking that such a symbol of beauty will make her pulchritudious. When she has been to the extent of abuse, having been raped by her own father, Pecola madly tries to find her coveted blue eyes. Soaphead, taking pity on the girl, convinces her of his supposed "magical powers" and "changes" her eyes to a serene blue color. By doing this, Soaphead allows Pecola to face her adversaries and rise above them. By lying to Pecola, Soaphead gives her a new world to be perceived in, a partisan haven, where she believes that she is truly beautiful.</p>

<p>Finally, deception is shown to be beneficial in the progress of the Civil War. Initially, President Lincoln claimed that his reasons for the war were to preserve the Union. By focusing on unity rather than the more pressing issue of slavery, Lincoln and his men fought valiantly against the South. However, foreign influences, including Great britain and France, aided the Confederacy, supplying them with weapons in exchange for economic worth in cotton. Enraged, Lincoln passed the Emancipation Proclamation, a document claiming the intent of the Union was to free the slaves. Not wanting to damage their reputation (for both countries had already abolished slavery), both Great Britain and France withdrew aid to the South, securing a quick and absolute victory for the North. With the Emancipation Proclamation, Lincoln succeeded in winning the war.</p>

<p>As show in both literal and historal context, deception is sometimes necessary for the common good. By not exposing the truth, harmless untruths allow people's relationship to remain intact.</p>

<p>Thank you in advance!</p>

2

<p>I liked it a lot. Your references were nice and your grammar was fine.</p>

<p>11!</p>

3

<p>Not badly written, but it feels like far too much book report and not enough analysis. You need to make a case and support it. This is really a variant on the question of whether the ends ever justify the means. It requires parsing out the nuances of when this is. If deception is justified, under what circumstances and what kind of deception. Your intro needs to state your point. It is far too cursory as it stands, and your conclusion needs to sum it up. You’ve got got a bit of that in your last paragraph (e.g., is justified when it’s harmless and helps peoples relationship) but that point needs to be expanded on in the examples. As it is, the essay doesn’t really go anywhere. Each paragraph should make a point that advances the argument, not provide three examples that point out a deception taking place.</p>

<p>Finally, the last example doesn’t really support your conclusion. Given that the slaves were, in fact, freed the Emancipation Proclamantion wasn’t really a deception. Not sure you could really call it harmless, either. And to nitpick, it was an executive order, not “passed” by anyone.</p>

4

<p>Good essay. I’m not too familiar with the SAT grading scale, but I’d say that it would be in the 10-11-12 range. </p>

<p>For your Emancipation Proclamation paragraph, there are minor historical inaccuracies, or at least your wording make things appear incorrect. Like qialah said, it was an executive order, and was never passed. And Lincoln’s primary reason for the war was preserving the Union. Although he was against slavery, his reasoning for the war was to keep the Union preserved. He just used the slavery issue, like you said, as a way to keep foreign nations out of the conflict. The war lasted a little over two years after the proclamation, so although victory ended up being absolute, it wasn’t quick.</p>

5

<p>Slight historical inaccuracies. I would also say some extra analysis should be added because it sounds like a report. Other than that its pretty good.</p>