<p>Could you tell me what you would give me and why? Telling me both the pros and cons of my essay would be great. </p>
<p>Essay Question: Is deception ever justified?</p>
<pre><code> Deception is never justifiable. This is because trust is the basis of every relationship. Lying to or deceiving someone, even when your intentions are good, could possibly cause you to lose his or her trust forever.
For example, my friend Cassondra had been designing a dress for her 16th birthday. When her birthday came and she showed me the address, I couldn't bring myself to tell her that it was atrocious. I knew that she spent two months designing and making that dress. I felt that telling her that the dress she made was atrocious would hurt her feelings. So I let her walk downstairs to her birthday party and everyone, even people who were supposed to be her friends, started laughing at her. When she realized that she was the joke of the party, she asked me why I didn't tell her that her dress was ugly. I explained to her that I didn't want to hurt her feelings. She then told me that she couldn't trust me because I lied to her and let her embarrass herself. Hence, even though my intentions were good, I lost my best friend because I lied to her.
In Madame Grazelle by Allan Eddinton, Janet Grazelle lied to her husband about the kiss she had with the best friend, Hardy. Although Janet didn't initiate the kiss and didn't feel anything for Hardy, she knew that telling her husband, Denton, would just make him not trust her and kill her best friend. When Denton found out about the kiss (because Denton's best friend told him) Denton confronted Janet. She explained to him that Hardy initiated the kiss and attempted to assure him that the kiss didn't mean anything. Denton told her that he did not believe her because if it was indeed nothing, she would've told him. He thought that not telling him about the kiss was the same as lying about it. Even though Jenna had good intentions for lying about the kiss, she ultimately lost her husband because of her decpetion.
Deceiving someone is never good even if you have the best of intentions. I learned through my experience with Cassandra and through the book Madame Grazelle that lying to protect someone can ultimately make you lose his/her trust.
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<p>I am guessing this is an SAT essay, yes? I would place it somewhere near the 6-8 range, 9 would be stretching it.
If you don’t mind, I’ll just go down each paragraph with pros and cons</p>
<p>Intro:
Pros: concise, easy to read,
Cons: a little on the shorter side, you could definitely get philosophical with this sort of a thing and if it is an SAT thing, you could look to the box and see what it suggests about what direction you should/shouldn’t take, my advice overall would be avoid absolute statements, you should be the one dictating under what circumstances deception is unjust
Body paragraph 1:
In place of a personal example, another literature/historical one would probably stand a bit better.<br>
Paragraph 2 is great as is! 
Conclusion is also a little short and I would switch the order of the sentences by moving sentence 1 to the end and that’s really all! </p>
<p>Hope I could help!</p>
<p>10-11, I think because I thought both of your examples were pretty nice. Your first example was also as good as a literary or historical example since it looks like you are actually relating this essay to yourself. I liked the detail you put in both of your examples as well, though I think you were a little bit too descriptive for your second example. On the other hand, one of the things I didn’t see was the use of higher level vocab words as in SAT words. You need to try to include better words in your essay so that it sounds more knowledgeable and gives the reader the impression that you are a scholar. The other things you could work on a little bit more are adding transition words such as furthermore, consequently, however, etc. and connecting the examples to your thesis to validate your thesis even more. Overall, I think your essay was great and you got your point across really well!</p>
<p>Thanks everyone. I was really struggling with writing my essay. The comments were very insightful and I will be using each one of them when I do my next practice essay. Hopefully I can get a 10-12.</p>
<p>Yea I def. agree with the part about transitions 2400man. I was struggling when I was writing it to come up with some.</p>
<p>What you can do is whenever you use the word “so” most of the times the word “therefore” can supplant it. Also “but” can be changed to however, yet, on the other hand or contrary to. The really strong transitions are just like a better way of saying the basic transitions like but, so, and etc.</p>
<p>One more kinda random thing, you answered most of the questions like how when where. The only one that was not completely answered was the why. That can be easily done by adding a because and continuing the sentence.</p>
<p>O. I thought I did. When I stated that I lost Cassandra’s trust and Janet lost her husbands trust.</p>