<p>Sweat poured down our rosy cheeks, our muscles ached, and the odorous shoe fragrance was all too familiar. Shoes were strewn from one end of the room to the other, uniform bags, hat boxes, and empty cases lined the floors as if a tornado had hit town. I glanced to my left and the scene changed to a small blonde girl wearing shorts, a crumpled red shirt, and worn sneakers. Water was threatening to escape her eyes, and her throat had closed. Clearly she was having a rough week. She turned to face the tall scary man that was in charged and meekly apologized for being late. She was forgiven and set aside with a strange girl with long curly brown hair to review what she had missed. The scene vaporized and that very same blonde little girl was standing in my place. Realization crept in, I was no longer the confused little girl.
I grew up in a family where I was encouraged to live in my own little shell of a world and stay out of the way. I didnt mind at first, that shell was nice and cozy and someplace where I felt safe. Then, high school band happened. It was a whole new world that I wasnt accustomed to and I didnt want to leave my shell just yet.
I threw myself right into a trap filled with ideals against my personality. I was expected to work with a group that I barely even knew to accomplish even the simplest of tasks. In other words, I had to be a leader.</p>
<p>I agree. Shorten it…if that is merely the intro, how long is the entire essay going to be? Many sentences can be shortened, by either getting directly to the point, or by simply removing them, as they are useless to the overall meaning of the intro.</p>
<p>Keep in mind that your target reader will be in a hurry and may be prone to skimming if it doesn’t grab right away. I found that I was confused at first quick read by the pronoun issue she/I - who is the girl, who are you. I realized that it’s a sort of flashback thing, but you made me work too hard to sort it out.
You do have some good material to work with, though. I got bogged down at “clearly she was having a rough week . . .” and skimmed the rest of the opening. I was initially drawn in by the visual of the shoes, etc. then you made it too complex - took the flashback thing a step too far.</p>
<p>p.s. I was looking through an essay tip book yesterday, and one of the tips was to have an interesting intro that grabs the reader, but don’t so fall in love with your intro that you never get to your main point. You don’t have much space to work with, so you have to make sure that your intro is proportional to the body of your essay (the real point). Again, you have created some good images - don’t throw it out completely. Try to prune and rework to get to the heart of the matter more quickly and with less effort for the reader.</p>
Sorry!</p>