<p>Hi, the Google Docs link is below if anyone wants to critique it.</p>
<p>Thanks!</p>
<p>Best essay I’ve read on CC, hands down. </p>
<p>Nicely done.</p>
<p>Thank you!</p>
<p>PM it to me, i can’t open that</p>
<p>Eh, if I have any critique it’s that you build up the reader with some pretty eloquent, “deep” language, and then sort of end it with two anticlimactic sentences.</p>
<p>I have to agree with turntabler.
You have great word choice… but maybe you have TOO great word choice. Layman’s terms aren’t bad, you know! Hahaha. I personally got a bit… lost, almost. I had to skip over stuff because I was like, “meh. Don’t really want to read that sentence.”</p>
<p>I think it’s well written, but it IS extremely eloquent (EXTREMELY). And it doesn’t really sound like it’s over at then end. I scrolled down more at the end because I thought it wasn’t done yet.</p>
<p>Damn, sounding TOO eloquent is just what I was afraid of. Some college essays have a tone of “I’m in high school but I can use fancy words so I’m smart” which I really hate. I don’t mean to sound pretentious by saying that, but an essay with too many fancy words sounds even worse than one written totally in layman’s terms. </p>
<p>I wanted to end the essay with a terse statement that packed a lot of impact but if it seems anticlimactic then obviously I’m doing it wrong haha.</p>
<p>Thanks for the advice</p>
<p>I would have to disagree with triffle regarding too much eloquence…what could come off as pretentious is name dropping authors, but I quite like the overall tone.</p>
<p>Rereading it with what you have in mind, I can see why you would pick the ending you did, it’s just that after the relatively grandiose language of the the first few sentences, it got a bit lost.</p>
<p>Who knows how an admission officer would read it, though.</p>
<p>I wish Common App essays were longer so I could have led into the ending more rather than abruptly ending it. 500 words was pretty constraining for everything I -wanted- to say, but then again, everyone has issues with essay length.</p>
<p>This is only my humble opinion, but I think it could use a bit more personality. It is extremely well written, but I think in the midst of creatively wording these ideas you didn’t relay any uniqueness about yourself, only that you know how to use figurative language and vocabulary. You mentioned struggles such as anxiety briefly but you didn’t really give any details about what it was or how it affected you besides what one would generally assume about anxiety. The focus on literature is great theme but I think it came off as too objective/philosophical. It kind of felt like I was being lectured rather than getting insight into someone’s life. </p>
<p>Make no mistake its a great essay, and will probably get you in many places, but I think if you really want to wow admissions you should add a bit more insight into your struggles or personality. If you’re applying to top colleges, they already know you’re smart. You don’t need to prove that to them. What they want out of the essay is to understand you better as a person.</p>
<p>I just came here to say that your title makes me want to punch a baby.</p>
<p>From the actual essay, I’m assuming the title is satiric.</p>
<p>Parent here…</p>
<p>The collective wisdom on CC has been that references to psychological problems in
essays should be avoided as they expose a weakness. The admin people are speed
reading essays looking for strengths. I don’t think your essay would suffer by
eliminating the third paragraph altogether, or by toning down your struggles to
the level of normal teen angst. Otherwise it is a fine creative essay and nicely written.</p>
<p>I agree with @papertank487, your paper could use a little more personality. Don’t get me wrong, it was a very eloquent essay but I think that your story is lost in the elevated diction and kind of erratic syntax. Here are my observations/suggestions:</p>
<p>1.To me, your essay lacks coherence and fluidity. When I initially read your first paragraph I expected your essay to be about your quest to find the perfect book as opposed to your quest to write it.</p>
<p>2.The first sentence of your second paragraph completely throws me for a loop considering that pop culture is not a major theme in your essay. It kind of seemed random.</p>
<p>3.I loved the whole idea of books as a “poor man’s refuge.” I think that idea would be a great way to introduce your paper and kind of lead into how books have sort of served as a solace for you and allowed you to see things from a new perspective.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>I think you should drop the whole “gaps of concrete reality” concept. It is kind of ambiguous and leaves room for misinterpretation. </p></li>
<li><p>You mentioned that the Book of Disquiet by Pessoa had a profound effect on you but you never give real details about it. Tell how it helped you. </p></li>
<li><p>You talk about your life experiences as the inspiration for your writings but don’t give any examples.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>7.In the last two paragraphs you detail all of the epiphanies you realized during your experiences but you never mention in the essay how you came to these realizations. I feel like i’m getting the moral of the story without actually hearing the story. DETAILS.</p>
<p>You have the makings of a great paper but I feel like right now you are hiding behind eloquent diction and mentions of authors like Kafka and Camus. After reading your essay I don’t really know anything about you. Your common app essay is a chance for you to let your personality show so be yourself. Even though your essay was very well written, believe it or not, admissions officers read thousands of papers just like the one you wrote above. Make yours stand out. Tell your story.</p>
<p>It’s worded so beautifully, until the last two sentences, which let me down.</p>
<p>When I started reading it, I swear I was just like, “Wow”. But even I’ve got to say, you need to elaborate a bit more on who you are, and build up a little more personality-wise. Also, the last two sentences kind of disappointed me… </p>
<p>Other than that, wow. Epic essay.</p>
<p>It’s very well-written but I think it was too philosophical and didn’t reveal much about you as a person, your character, etc.</p>
<p>It was a good essay, but I feel as though I never connected to you as a person. I would suggest to put more of your voice and character in. This is why at sometimes I felt my eyes wandering. Otherwise, its well-written and I can find no errors.</p>
<p>Also, I personally liked the ending x3</p>
<p>I could see why people didn’t like the ending. I liked your idea behind it, maybe just change the wording? But overall your essay flowed nicely I liked it!</p>
<p>You need to tell a specific story with details. You write in a very general way, and admission officers will not necessarily remember you as the applicant who stuck out from the pack, simply because there’s no memorable component to the essay - a story, specific examples to support the point you are making.</p>