Challenges in marrying an officer

Colleges and Universities A-Z Service Academy Parents
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<p>My son graduated and was commissioned in May. He enters active duty for pilot training in November (there is a backlog) and will be stationed at Laughlin AFB in Del Rio, Tx. It's a dumpy little town near the Mexican border. He and his girlfriend are getting serious. She graduates next May with a degree in psychology. Her plan has always been to go to grad school and then obtain licensure as a Licensed Professional Counselor. She is also very close to her family.</p>

<p>Very early in their relationship, S explained to her that he would be entering the AF and tried to give her a realistic picture of what his life would be like (moving, deployments, etc.). He said that if she couldn't see herself in that kind of life, it would probably be good for them to keep things casual. She said that those things didn't sound like deal-breakers and the relationship progressed. Now they are talking marriage, and she is going, "uh-oh". </p>

<p>I won't say that it would be impossible for her to get a grad degree in clinical psychology (which can't be done online because it involves a practicum and a supervised internship), but it's not very likely that it could happen in the foreseeable future if she marries him next year.</p>

<p>S is not willing to have a long-distance relationship for the 3-4 years it would take for her to complete this degree. He thinks that there is very little chance that the relationship would survive. She has not expressed any interest in the long-distance option, either.</p>

<p>In addition to that, she is very close to her family. She attends school about 3 hours from home, but her parents have season tickets to the football games, and she goes home or they come there fairly regularly...not TOO regularly in my opinion, but they are still involved in her life.</p>

<p>She is telling S that she wants to be with him first and foremost. Of course they are researching all the options for grad school to see if they can find anything that would work. He has told her that if they are in CONUS, she'll only be a $200 plane ticket away from her parents. But she is struggling. She says that she just needs time to work through it but that she is committed to him.</p>

<p>So, here is my question for you guys. How does a young woman who has been preparing herself for a career just give all that up to follow her man in his military career? Is it wrong to ask her to? Whoever he marries will have to do that, unless she is in the military herself. In Del Rio, I doubt she could even get a job, much less a job in her field. </p>

<p>Have your kids experienced this dilemma? It seems like it would be pretty common for young officers to face it.</p>

<p>S is handling it very well, I think. He has told her he'd do whatever he could possibly do to enable her to get the degree, and has also told her that he is not pressuring her. He says that she needs to think through the full implications and then she needs to choose the life that will make her happy.</p>

2

<p>My son is in flight training right now for the Navy, and it is pretty intense. If she has a degree to finish, while he is in flight training would be an excellent time for her to do it. Otherwise, she will likely be sitting around feeling ignored, useless and resentful. Try wandering around on Airwarriors.com for some more insight into this from pilots/students/wannabes. </p>

<p>If she goes to school, she will have a goal and a timeline, and after earning her degree she could find employment at any base they travel to. They will both be busy and productive so not at likely to feel ignored, etc. Not to say they can’t be married and do this, but it sounds as if they may have to play the geographic bachelor game for a while if they decide to marry and do school.</p>

<p>Just a perspective. BTW, I am a teacher and did not give up my career, just changed schools during my husband’s Navy career.</p>

3

<p>

First thought here is she should under no circumstances give up pursuing her career over his. It will create too much baggage later in the marraige.</p>

<p>Second though - You didn’t mention how long until she finishes her undergrad (you made it sound like she would still be in undergrad this fall). I’m sure some AF types will fill in more details, but I don’t think your son can predict what his next assignment will be after flight school as it does depend upon his performance there. </p>

<p>Ideally, she will live with commuting during this upcoming year until she finishes undergrad and he finishes flight school. Hopefully, his next assignment will be in a location where she can get the bulk of her graduate work done before he has to move on again. If she has to trail him for a short duration, at least they will have the time together at the assignment to cement the relationship (marraige?) as adults pursuing their careers.</p>

<p>At this point, though it is probably too early to plot the details. I think it is most important for her to decide how flexible she is in the distance in the relationship. And if nothing else this first year apart will give her a feeling of what it may be like if he is deployed to a location where she may/can not go (a distinct possibility in the military).</p>

<p>I’m sure some AF folks can chime in with more info on the likely scenarios he will face in the next year.</p>

4

<p>As far as I know, the pipeline is about 2 years long, depending on your platform. In the Navy there are different duty stations for different portions of the pipeline, and they train with the AF (there are AF officers in my son’s class in Pensacola, and the Navy also sends students to Vance in Oklahoma for training). As our son has experienced it, each stage has a “pool” before “class-up” which means he will not necessarily enter school and progress in a linear fashion through to completion. Wait in A-pool, 4 week school, wait. Class up, 6 week school, wait. Etc. This makes for some unknowns as far as stationing and timelines. If the young lady is in a graduate program it may be difficult to try to plan around the Air Force.</p>

5

<p>As an army wife (26 years of marriage, but retired now since 2001), I did not have the same experience as momof1 at finding jobs when we moved. I spent between six months and a year trying to get a job with each move (nine the first 13 years we were married). It usually involved starting at a salary well below the job I just left. My husband did well, and I kept the house and kids going. It is a sacrifice. However, I always joke that I got a nicer house each time we moved, but military life is not for the weak. </p>

<p>My husband never served in combat and we married after he had completed his unaccompanied tour to Korea. He did travel, train, and in general was away a lot. At a Hail and Farewell on our first-year anniversary, the division commander joked that my husband had been gone approximately nine months of our first year of marriage. I did not find it particularly amusing as our first assignment was in Germany and we lived in a very small village where people did not speak English. We married in May, my husband left in August after two months away at summer ROTC camp, and I joined him in October after he found housing. I grew up a bit that first assignment.</p>

<p>Today, deployments are long and dangerous. It is a different world. I did not have a close family, so our army friends filled that spot. </p>

<p>I wish your son the very best. The military can be a wonderful life, but it is not an easy one.</p>

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<p>I think MD Mom’s experience is kind of “normal” for a military wife (whatever normal is). I think her observation about it being a sacrifice is just the bottom line. I wonder why we honor military men and women for their sacrifice in serving, but we would discourage young women from marrying them if a sacrifice would be involved. I’m not picking on what anyone here has said, just musing about it in general.</p>

<p>My H was active duty for 5 years and National Guard for 23 more. He is currently in Iraq. When I married him, I was blissfully unaware of the sacrifices, as was he. I had some long periods of unemployment during his 5 years on active duty, and I had some lonely times too, though we had it easy compared to most in the military. Since S will be an AF pilot, he will likely not face the long deployments that others face. He says AF pilot deployments are generally for 6 months.</p>

<p>Momof1, S is finding out just what you are saying about the pipeline. It’s very unpredictable. It all depends on what aircraft he’s assigned to and what the wait times are for all the individual courses. He could even get a turnaround instructor pilot slot, which would mean 3 more years in Del Rio.</p>

<p>S is unwilling to attempt a distance relationship for 3-4 years which is how long it would take for g/f to finish an M.S. in Clinical Psych and an internship, because it is unrealistic. She cannot go to school near him, as he will be in south Texas in the middle of nowhere for flight school. He will be studying hard and unable to leave very often. If she is in grad school, she would not likely be able to come to see him often, either. </p>

<p>It is not that he doesn’t love her enough. He has just looked around him at people he knows and he sees how it goes. In distance relationships where they can see each other often, it sometimes works. When they can’t, it’s pretty rare. Usually one or the other of them will start to be interested in someone else and break it off. It would be better to part sadly as friends than for that to happen.</p>

<p>The g/f will graduate with her bachelor’s this next May, 6 months after S will have left for flight school. She says she’d like to get married next summer, but she is conflicted because it looks like she’d have to put off grad school at least until he reaches his first permanent duty assignment. She could only do it then if he is stationed somewhere near a university with a graduate psychology program. A lot of military bases are in some fairly remote places. So, it could be years and years until she is able to do it.</p>

<p>S realizes the potential for her ending up bitter if she marries him then can’t fulfill her plans. That is why he is trying to be realistic with her and not sugar-coat anything. If she decides to marry him, it will have to be because she decides that what she’s getting will be more valuable than what she is losing.</p>

<p>H has been out of “the real Army” for a long time, but I don’t really remember any of the other wives being bitter. Very few of them were employed in a good job in their field, but they just accepted that this was how life was now. They made a different kind of life. Many of them likely were able to get back into their chosen field eventually. I just hope S’s g/f will have this attitude if she decides to marry him!</p>

7

<p>S1 just commissioned (Navy) in May. already his plan has changed several times. First it was Dive sch. in Sept, then it was Language sch. in Sept. then it was decided he should do dive sch. and EOD sch. before Lang. sch. but since the Sept. class was full by then, he got in the Dec. class. Then found out he can’t stay in a Temp. assignment more than 6 months so has to move to Fla. in Oct for TA there at EOD until time for Dive sch. then it’s back to EOD sch. after 9 weeks of Dive sch. It’s crazy.</p>

<p>He has quickly learned that nothing is certain in the military.</p>

<p>Timely, your S is taking a mature approach to the situation. I hope his gf will do the same. She needs to get past the romance of a wedding and think hard about the sacrifices she will have to make in order for the marriage to work. </p>

<p>S purposefully avoided serious relationships in college for the reasons your s is dealing w/ now. The men in the unit he trained w/ last summer told him that every gf needed to go thru one deployment before she could decide if she wanted to be a Navy wife.
In EOD deployments come often. The guys told him EOD stands for Ends Only in Divorce.</p>

<p>I hope he will marry someday but I know he feels now would not be a good time.</p>

<p>On the other hand, one of his(Army) friends is commissioning and getting married on the same day in Aug. An Army officer is actually coming to the wedding to do the commissioning!</p>

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<p>Most schools offer on-line classes, everything from BS, Masters, to doctorial degrees. Where there is a will there is a way.</p>

<p>So if the way exists, one has to question the will.
But that is a question for the young lady to figure out and answer.</p>

9

<p>I am a Navy wife of 25 years (and counting!) and a career counselor whose job is to help military spouses find jobs. Timely raises a great question and one that I find myself discussing frequently with my clients and with young couples who are contemplating marriage.</p>

<p>Marriage to a service member involves a certain amount of sacrifice on the part of the spouse. Sometimes, the significant other has to put his/her personal goals on hold. Not everyone is able to do this. If the S’s girlfriend has her heart set on becoming a counselor (clinical psychologists require a PhD, is that what she is hoping to do?), she will not be able to complete her studies on line or have them interrupted by moves. Once she is licensed, she will have to obtain licenses in the new state whenever they move. This can be challenging and a source of frustration. Not every state offers reciprocity with other states for licensure.</p>

<p>The other point raised is the GF’s ability to be away from her family. That is a huge issue and one that causes distress for many military couples. Frequently people only envision the romance of the wedding and don’t go beyond that. The separation from family, the loneliness, the challenges of living in some rather remote locations can be too much for some spouses. On the other hand, the opportunity to learn self-reliance can be liberating. I moved 3000 miles away from my family after my wedding and hubby went to sea on a submarine for 6 months shortly after we arrived. I was terrified and miserable for weeks, then eventually learned that I could function on my own. It was a great growing-up experience.</p>

<p>I don’t mean to sound negative, I just think it is important for couples to know what they may be facing. Your son and his girlfriend will have to decide for themselves if they are willing to adjust their personal goals in order to be together. Far better to make this decision in advance than to marry and feel resentful because life is not what you hoped it would be.</p>

<p>Having said that, I would also tell anyone thinking of marrying into the military that the rewards are limitless. The opportunity to live around the world and to be a part of a community of remarkable men and women is wonderful. Despite putting my own career on hold due to frequent moves, I would not have missed this ride for anything.</p>

<p>If your son’s girlfriend would like to talk, have her contact me privately. I will be happy to answer any questions.</p>

10

<p>Back when my mother became a military wife she was not allowed to work outside the home and she gave up her career as a Registered Nurse for 20 years. Not so any longer. It is widely recognized that military couples are often two career couples - that is not to say that they get special treatment. But there is at least support.</p>

<p>Something to consider - Military hospitals hire civilian clinical psychologists. There is a need and this career may not necessarily be incompatible with a military spouse.
There are a number of forums out there for military spouses and there is probably a lot more information from those who have been there and done that.</p>

<p>I think your son needs to be a little more realistic, is he asking her to give up her dream for him? Does he expect the woman he marries to not have a career? Only he can answer this.
Honestly as far as separation from families and long distance relationships go - we live in a very mobile society. Families, lovers, friends and spouses are only a plane ride away - unless they are deployed.</p>