Changing Household

Parents Forum
1

I’m a single father of three kids. Basically, the entirety of 2019 has been tilted toward my Son who is a high school senior this year. His younger sisters get their due, but a lot of parental energy has been focused on S20, getting him through the end of a rocky Junior year while initiating the entire college search routine and prepping for the SAT. Then visiting colleges throughout the summer and more prepping for another SAT. Then applying, applying, applying. And now waiting. All along, talking, talking, and more talking.

Though the end (move-in day) is nine months away, I’m already contemplating what next September is going to be like when our house of 3 children becomes a house of 2 daughters. I’m excited to send S20 away to conquer the world, and I’m excited to live with two teenage girls starting the process of finding more about themselves.

I love him dearly and I hope this doesn’t come out the wrong way, but I can’t wait to see how the dynamics of the house change without him being around. It will be interesting to see the girls “be in charge.”

Also, now that D24 will be starting high school next year and I know more about guiding children through this process, I wonder how things will fare with her. And with D26.

Just rambling, after awakening much too early. And wondering how other household changed after the first/oldest child left for college. How did the younger kids react to being the oldest kids in the house? How did parents react to having one less child around full time? How did the departed child react to the different house over winter break and during summer break? Heck, did the pets notice the difference?

Also, how many parents sent kids away only to have them not really return ever? I’ve heard of freshmen staying at college for summer school and never really returning to live home ever after leaving that first year. Who has experienced that?

2

@EconPop My three kids are 5-6 years apart, so in some ways it felt like we had 3 only children. They didn’t interact all that much with each other. None of them ever argued with each other or anything like that. Both parents worked full-time and all three kids were active in sports and music. Nutso busy household.

We had almost no involvement, at all, in my oldest’s college selection. Maybe we were too busy with the other two? Not sure. I don’t remember the household feeling all that different when he left. He did come home for his first summer, but that was it.

Same level of involvement with college selection for our D14. But when she left for school, the household felt different, mainly because our S20 was very attached to her and he was kind of lost for a while. And she talked a lot. So it was quieter.

Both of them, by the way, almost never called while in college. Now, as adults, they call quite a bit. I kind of enjoy them far more as adults than I think I did as children. That sounds harsh, but it is really more that they are a lot of fun now and I don’t have to do their laundry.

My S20 was, by far, the least challenging one to raise. Barely asked for a thing, ever. Great athlete, but took care of all of the details and stuff as soon as old enough, and an excellent student (the other two, not so much). At his request, we became very involved in his college search/selection process (although he is not into the talking thing). Perhaps because we were so involved, or maybe because he is a high stats kid with lots of options, we found it very stressful. He did not, as he pretty much rejected what he called ‘the game’ and chose a college on frustratingly rational criteria. He should be hearing from his safety and #1 any minute now. We, his parents, got WAY more into the possibility of his attending an elite school. He swatted us down regularly as he zeroed in on his #1 (our flagship) based on the quality of the program for his intended major. From the mouth of babes…

While others I know are fretting the exit of their youngest, I am not, mainly because I have seen how close our older two remained to us once they left. It is a new chapter, and different, but better in many ways. Plus so much will be triggered by my youngest’s starting college. We will be selling our house, and two nearby rental properties. Getting rid of a TON of stuff and downsizing/simplifying, big time. My husband (would that be H75?) can retire (he can easily do PT consulting) and so will I, then. So…my son’s departure will trigger a great deal of change for us, but all of our decisions will be aimed at being able to spend time with all 3 of them, and hopefully the grandchildren my oldest (getting married in July) has been instructed to produce for us soon.

So, in sum, none of the kids’ exits resulted in any change which was largely noticeable, other than our youngest being sad for a month or two when his sister left. Their original entry into our household, each of them, shook us to the core. Exits were way smoother.

3

Mine has only been gone a few months but his little brother (12) has done really well with the transition. I get what you mean when you talk about the majority of the energy focused on the one leaving. We experienced that as well. Little S now has our sole attention and has done very well. Of course he doesn’t like having to do all of the chores himself!! LOL And we’re knee deep in pre-teen angst but overall he’s happier, doing better in school, and making mostly better choices.
I think the only bad thing to come out of it is that we tend to hyper focus maybe a bit too much.
DH is home ALOT more with his new job so instead of me raking a kid over the coals and dad coming home too late to have much say, he’s
getting it from both. That’s not been especially helpful.

S19 will be home for the first time in a week. We’re all extremely excited!! It’ll be interesting to see how dynamics have changed.
While plans for S19 are already in the works for him to be home for Xmas, he has already warned us he may not be home for Spring Break. I’m not happy about this but will wait to see what transpires.

4

I have an only child so can’t speak to the first question. To your second, about not coming home, yep. D did a study abroad and when she returned, had an internship at school her first summer. She starts her co-op this summer and will only have a week off between end of finals and her start date.

We see her for school breaks, she texts almost daily, and we talk/FaceTime once a week.

I will say, parenting didn’t end, just changed. I still get consulted for the big problems. ?

FWIW, the empty nest has been fun. We feel like newlyweds again!

5

Some young people find that their connection to the family is different after they have been at college for awhile, and it can even be disorienting to them. In general, we all adjust to a new norm, so when the college kids return it is another adjustment. Then we adjust again when they leave again!

6

D’17 and D’19 have always been extremely close/best friends. D’17 only went an hour away so visits were easy except she worked a lot of weekends. She never came back to live here (went to cc only, has had actual apartments, summer semester, and now in the working world!). Her longest stay since moving out has been one week. D’19 definitely misses her a lot.

However, D’19’s junior and senior years were so busy and she so talkative that it didn’t feel any quieter here with just one kid!

Now, they are both gone, and DH is working up to 12 hour days 7 days a week for harvest and it is awfully quiet at home for me. But D’19 is only 2 hours away so we see her sometimes. And they call a lot. DH gets excited when they’re coming home (both of them this weekend!) and has become more of a softy when it comes to his girls.

As far as the pets, maybe the boy cats enjoy not being picked up and kissed so much? The girl cat would honestly be happiest if it was just her and DH. Our dog is getting really old but one day three of us walked out the door and as we were pulling away the dog was still staring at the door. We wondered if she was expecting D’17 to come out.

7

D19 just left in August for college, and we have a D26 too. On the surface the adjustment has been easier than we expected for the younger one, but a lot of how she misses her sister comes out in oblique ways (like when we went away for a weekend and D26 kept saying “D19 would love this” “I wish D19 could see that” etc). It has been an interesting change focusing on her after all the energy of college search - which wasn’t even as hectic as many as D19 got into her ED school. D26 started middle school this year so a lot of change for her too, and it’s been kinda nice to focus the energy on her for that.

Not expecting D19 to ever move back to her (current) hometown again, at least for a long time -it’s very much white picket fence, kid-raising safe suburbia - though she may move back to a big city in California. I am totally expecting that she’s going to stay on the east coast though, which is also fine, as we have family there and a vague plan to move east when we retire anyway.

8

I have a sophomore D in college, freshman S in college, and freshman S in high school. My D is/was a Theater major so her college application/search took up a lot of time and effort. I know what you mean when you say the focus was really skewed on your pre-college kid! Then when all that is done (where you are now), it is a relief.

When she left for school, being the first, we all felt it and were sad, but of course life went on. We parents did feel as if we had more time, and much more mental/emotional energy and yes, of course, that was directed towardsthe other two, much to their chagrin probably. But also, having been through it, I do think we were aware enough to not overpressure or micromanage the remaining two. I would say, this school year, focus on soaking it all in…you as the parent and in terms of siblings getting time together. There are lots of special moments and “lasts”, so just try to be present, enjoy, and find opportunities for the kids to have alone time too…this definitely increased as the dynamics changed. Our younger two also adjusted well to all of the spotlight being on the oldest during graduation. I think they are old/mature enough to realize that it’s a special time and their turn will come! At first, the two left at home were fighting more, without the sister to balance things out or deflect attention to, but then it got dramatically better and that kind of sibling bickering is mostly a part of the past. I think having one leave makes everyone subconsciously realize that our time together as siblings and family really is kind of limited.

Now this year our dynamics have changed again as we only have one left at home. It feels REALLY different having only one at home in terms of time and effort! I think he was dreading it at first, knowing that all parental attention would be focused on him, and I think he “protected himself” by retreating to his room, but now a few months in, he’s realized that while yes, we are focusing more on stuff with him, we are also having more leisure time, more time in general, and are more relaxed.

The pets definitely notice the absence and react in different ways, notably just spending more time around the remaining family members! The thing I remember most about breaks was expectations…we had expectations of lots of family time, but D had expectations about seeing her friends and continuing her independent life that she had at school…including lots of sleeping in and time alone just vegging.

As for summers, my D did come home her freshman year, but that was it. Her sophomore summer she filled up with summer classes, study abroad, and an apartment lease, and that was a HARD realization that spring that we would barely see her and our annual tradition of a weekly summer vacation was quite difficult (we got her for a few days during which she had work to do). To us, her “moving on” felt abrupt but to her it felt quite natural, and she is the most independent of the three. I hope that with our younger two, summers are more of a stepping-stone (home sometimes, gone sometimes) but now we know that this might not be the case.

9

I wonder about this with my oldest leaving next year. I can’t predict how much or how little phone contact we’ll have. I’m sure it will be “enough” – I think he’ll call when he needs something (advice, money, info) but maybe not so much to chat. Neither of us is a big small-talker.

Time will tell, I guess.

10

I think my girls will enjoy having more attention. The youngest especially has said repeatedly that she is ready for her spotlight.

The pre-teen and early-teen angst rolls around in waves here. It’s different with my girls than it was with my son, and it amuses more with the girls.

Good luck. Let us know how that goes.

11

I have a suspicion it will be a similar situation with S20. I think he’s going to miss home more than he thinks, but not so much that he’ll consider delaying the “whole new world” thing. He’s ready to grow into new things.

I’m looking forward to a parenting transition. No more questions like “where are my socks?” Or, “why are we having XXX for dinner, when I think YYY would be so much better?” It will be nice to only have to answer the big issues.

12

True. I love the saying “The only constant in life is change.” S20 and I were discussing that yesterday.

13

I think it will be that way with D24 and D26. They are very close. When D24 leaves, it will probably rattle D26 some.

It would be nice to be able to know what pets think.

14

I bet there will be a lot of that around here next fall. From me, too. I’ve never taken a trip with just the girls, so that will be a change for us. Not bad or good, but I am looking forward to a new dynamic for things like that.

15

Yes, yes, yes. We’ll be moving more into scholarships now, but that can’t be as time-consuming as the previous processes have been. I’m hoping he gets early acceptances from a couple of his true favorites, and we can see exactly what the finaid will be. Then we will not have go through the who school-specific scholarship routine for the other options.

I’m very much looking foward to all of that!

I’m already tamping down my expectations for how often he’ll return, and how much time he will spend with the family when he is home. I may feel differently when the time comes, but I’m looking forward to him returning for visits from college as a more mature young man who has things he wants to do that don’t involve family as much.

I’m hoping it will be like watching a puppy grow. I don’t miss the puppy so much because I love having a 5 year old dog around. The puppy was great, but so is the current version of him.

16

The 3 years between older S and younger S leaving just felt strange. Especially once younger S got his license and drove himself to all his activities, he was never home. It was like having an empty nest, but not having an empty nest.

My kids always got along, but younger S grew up in his high stats brother’s shadow. All the teachers and admin fawned over older S. And thus, younger S’ attitude toward school wasn’t the best and he was prone to blurting out thing how he was so much smarter than older S. Younger S and H also butted heads quite a bit.

But watching older S and S’ equally ambitious GF go through the college process seemed to change things. They worked so hard and still experienced a lot of disappointment. They both wound up in great schools with scholarships, but it was an eye opener for all of them.

Once older S left, younger S got more serious about school. He always got all As, but he seemed to care more and the negative comments eased up. He even took 9 classes junior year. He grew more confident in himself and those dumb comments stopped. His relationship with H improved dramatically. It was wonderful.

Pets? Oh that hits hard. Older S came home after freshman year, but stayed at school the next summer. Spring semester he studied abroad and then moved halfway across the country for a summer internship. He was home 3 days in 8 months.

So, the 3rd week of August entailed me driving younger S to school for freshman year. The next day I flew to older S to help him drive the 1500 miles home in 2 days. He got all of 2 days home before going back to school and we became empty nesters. H and I were doing sort of OK until 2 days later we had to put down our 17 year old cat. He was the best cat ever. I really think he waited until he could see older S one more time before surrending. This thought still kills me. He was the best and it sort of threw H and I over the edge. We are getting used to the empty nest thing. Some parts are nice. Others not so much. But one thing is that we are definitely kinder and more patient with each other then we have been in years past.