<p>There are two schools of thought and neither is right or wrong. Some families allow their kids to pick their own colleges; others set limits on which colleges they are willing to pay for. I see nothing wrong with either approach. Most college applicants are not even 18 when they make decisions about where to apply, college is very expensive and one of the biggest decisions a person will make in their lives. If parents are paying and want a role in the decision, it makes sense to me.</p>
<p>This is a fascinating question-- they ARE making the biggest decision of their lives here, before their brains are fully functional even, and before they have much life experience at all. But making this decision and following it out is a huge part of their growth, intellectual and social. So I don’t think the question is ever: “Who’s paying?” It’s ‘How can I help D or S grow through this process?’ And considering cost, atmosphere, etc., out loud, with the kid who will be living this decision out, is the important thing. </p>
<p>A bit of a longwinded way to say that I agree with midwestmomofboys-- you keep the choices out there, make sure all the factors are weighed and that no chances are eliminated before they have to be-- and then the student, who will be the one living at the institution, makes his or her decision. </p>
<p>Oh, and I admit the ‘who’s paying?’ question gets my goat. We brought them into the world and they’ve been full-time students (an unpaid position) for 18 years. Of course we’re paying, to whatever degree we can. But that doesn’t give us the right to make the decision, and why would we want to? We’re hoping to help our kids mature into decision-makers themselves here-- independent thinkers who might lead more successful lives than we have.</p>
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<p>Parents have the right to spend their own money the way they want. What gives a child the right to spend his/her parents’ money the way s/he wants? A joint decision makes sense.</p>
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<p>Ah yes, the money card. I’m paying for this car (or TV or college, or whatever), and I’ve got the right to buy what I want. Besides, it’s my kid, and I’ve got the right to control his or her life.</p>
<p>The parents absolutely have the right to define how much they will pay. Once they’ve done that, they should feel free to offer advice, but the decision should be the kid’s - s/he’s the one who will have to live with the consequences of the decision for a half century or more, not the parent.</p>
<p>EDIT: cross-posted with GwenFairfax, who said it better than I did, and with Bay, who’s confusing rights with responsibilities.</p>
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<p>This is precisely why I’d do whatever it takes to steer my kid away from a bad college decision.</p>
<p>I agree with Bay. There are some mistakes that are hard to do over.</p>
<p>I think like all these decisions we try and assist our kids make, there is a place for parental input and a time to pull back. The old expression, “they don’t know what they don’t know” is applicable. </p>
<p>It is really about deciding where the lines are for what they are capable of deciding on their own based on their maturity level and the recourse available. </p>
<p>If you buy the wrong car, sell it. If you start at the wrong school, change schools. If you embark on a major for the next 4 years and it was not a good match or marry the wrong guy, that is a bigger deal.</p>
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<p>No, I’m not confusing them, they are two separate important issues, but Gwen Fairfax seemed to minimize the relevance of one of them.</p>
<p>Most wrong decisions in life can be fixed, no matter how big they are. Bought the wrong car? Buy a different kind next time. Bought the wrong house? Sell it and get another. Marry the wrong spouse? Divorce and find the right one.</p>
<p>You can’t fix the experience of going to the wrong undergraduate college, other than to transfer, but even then you will never get that freshman year back.</p>
<p>There are no guarantees that anyone will choose the right college. But parents are in a great position to help their kids make the best decision possible and avoid huge mistakes that have half-century consequences. So why wouldn’t parents want to do that?</p>
<p>cross-posted with Lakemom - gmta</p>
<p>I believe a young person who has a good sense of self, who is emotionally mature and capable of navigating day to day life can listen to various opinions and formulate a decision. So yes, clearly as parents we can (and will most likely) give our opinions and hopefully a well adjusted young person will weigh those opinions. If the OPs D “thinks” she will be able to find friends she probably will since that is the response of someone who has been thinking about this school and trying to figure out if she will fit in. </p>
<p>That said there are kids who do not have a good sense of self, are not used to navigating on their own and are not emotionally mature…that is a different situation.</p>
<p>Oh I love that Bay gmta, I had to look that up :)</p>
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<p>And if you, as the parent, pick the “wrong” undergraduate college for your kid - then who suffers?</p>
<p>The point isn’t that one person picks. You both weigh the pros and cons and we know all schools have those. Point out considerations they might not have thought of that as a parent you know they would care about. </p>
<p>I mean if your kid picked a school that you weren’t nuts about and their grades went downhill wouldn’t you step in even if they “loved” the school?</p>
<p>Assuming the Uni being discussed is USC or any other large Uni, why exactly do you think your D wouldn’t fit socially? There are thousands and thousands of other people attending there with a lot in common with your D (same age group, living in the same area, all decided on the same college, etc.) and if she can’t manage to find a few friends there then she wouldn’t be able to find them anywhere.</p>
<p>I think a lot of students are tired of living on campus after a couple of years and are ready to get their own place, usually with other roommates, anyway by then. If the college only offers on-campus housing for 2 years then that means there are thousands of students living in the area adjacent to campus. It’s like an extension of the campus and campus housing. You can see this at most large universities.</p>
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<p>Yes, exactly. And then when you’ve made sure that all the cards are on the table, face up, you’ve done your job - and at that point, you step back, let them decide, and then support them 100%.</p>
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<p>Nope. Once they hit college, their grades are their responsibility. If they ask my advice, I’ll give it. Otherwise, I’ll just sign the checks and hope for the best.</p>
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<p>—Khalil Gibran</p>
<p>The hardest things to remember:</p>
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<li>The student is going to college, not the parents.</li>
<li>Nothing is forever. If it doesn’t work out, the student can transfer.</li>
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<p>This is where we differ. I go back to “they can’t know what they don’t know”. I know, having been to 4 different schools that they each are different and offer opportunities that may make their schooling better, maybe no TA’s or smaller class size. Your student has no idea that any school is any different than the one they are in. How can they?</p>
<p>Life’s decisions and dilemmas will occur over and over again. Of course it is their life, but you have the choice to impart your experience or stay mum.</p>
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<p>Those are two criteria out of many, and you will find many people who will argue that the virtues of the type of universities where TA’s and large classes are the order of the day outweigh those where they are not, and they may well be for some students.</p>
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<p>Through visiting, asking questions, researching - the exact same tools you or I have, once we move out of the orbit of the two, or three, or four schools with which we are personally familiar. Yes, some kids can’t be bothered, and that’s why parents should stay involved with the process. But that stops short of taking their decision out of their hands.</p>
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<p>I have freely imparted my experience to my D and have definitely not stayed mum. Where I stop is making the decision for her.</p>
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<p>Actually, 2 isn’t that hard. 1, OTOH …</p>
<p>I have to run out annasdad. But you and I both know that researching and doing are not the same. There are many experiences one cannot know until they do them. </p>
<p>We have done them and our kids have not. The schools were all different because they simply were. My statement really was aimed at the typical response a 17 might say is the all schools are the same, which btw, despite all our visiting and researching for potential colleges my son feels is partly true. And to some extent he’s right. :)</p>
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I don’t think that’s generally true if I understand your point correctly. Most parents didn’t go to 4 or 5 or more undergrad colleges so ‘they only know what they know’ to correspond to the student who ‘doesn’t know what he/she doesn’t know’. The parents will often have an opinion and can relay this to the student but it’s also often a bias to either have the kid do a repeat of what the parent did (sometimes even to the extent of trying to attend the particular alma mater) or to specifically ‘not’ repeat what the parent did.</p>
<p>I think the parents should inform and try to make sure the kid understands the different perspectives but at the end of the day the parent needs to step back and the kid needs to decide on their own what they think is best for them and deal with the consequences if they happened to make a mistake.</p>
<p>Practically speaking, most kids can probably do reasonably fine at most colleges whether they’re big, small, medium, private, state, in the east or in the west, have all prof taught classes or have TAs teach a few, have big classes or small classes, etc.</p>