<p>Congrats on getting this far! I don’t think you come across as too harsh in your essay, but I do think there is room for improvement. The best essays teach the reader about the author. I believe you’re missing an opportunity to discuss your views and experiences vs the views of your town. Do you have a story that illustrates your experiences with diversity in your town?</p>
<p>On another note, sometimes it’s very helpful to read example essays on a similar theme to see what methods are effective.</p>