<p>Hi can someone please rate and help fix my college essay? I would highly appreciate it.
I needed to do community service for a ninth grade English project on how Im able to change the world. In my mind it was the dumbest project ever. I didnt want to waste my weekends doing homework. The weekend is to relax and hang out with friends. As the deadline was creeping up on me I was in frantic search of something to do. I finally got an idea from my moms co-worker. Her church was raising money for a charity called Charity Water. The goal was to make five thousand dollars in water bottles to help build a well in a country that doesnt have any fresh water. To me it was the worst thing Ive ever done. To collect the bottles I had to go through the disgusting, dirty, filthy garbage cans at the high school after every Saturday and Sunday. These were the perfect days since all the soccer teams have games on the weekend and they would fill the garbage cans up to the top. With the overflow of water bottles it was the perfect time to start collecting. It was embarrassing, not only because I was collecting bottles from the garbages in public, but also that I wasnt the only one doing it. Every time I stuck my hand in I would cringe hoping I dont touch the inside of the can because of how sticky and dirty it was. I could smell rotten fruits mixed with the scent of spilt Gatorade bottles. I felt the need to wear a mask so I wouldnt have to smell the terrible stench. At the end of the day my mom and I would pack up the car with the huge bags of bottles that were almost as big as the truck. To make every bag fit we had to put down the seats in the back row of the car and squeeze them in. We then take off to the Waldbaums down the street. As we get two carts to put the bottles in we open the trunk and some of the bottles fall out of the bag. We run around the parking lot picking up as many as we can without letting any roll away. After we fill the cart we go to the recycling machines. We wait patiently for the people in line to take their turn and then we enter. The room smelt worse than the garbage cans. Every step you took your foot would be stuck to the floor due to the spilt soda from the bottles. It reeked of soda, beer, cigarettes and the expired food that the store had to throw out. After my transaction I was expecting to get at least twenty five dollars and all I got was fifteen dollars. I wanted to give up. I felt that I was barely doing anything to change the world. But as I continue with the same routine week after week I found myself getting more and more money. By the end of two month and my project due date, I was able to raise about one hundred and twenty five dollars. I gave the money to my moms co-worker and was relieved that I was finally done. A week later I got a thank you card from Charity Water saying how much they appreciated my donation. A month after that I got another card with pictures of the well I helped raised money for. The well was made in Ethiopia. The people looked thrilled that they had gotten the chance to receive fresh water. The look on their faces made me realize how lucky I am and that I am able to change the world. After that I decided to continue to raise money for Charity Water because it makes me happy when Im able to see that Im able to make a difference in some elses life.</p>
<p>Erm, I think I have to be harsh here lol. I’m having trouble even finding your central idea. You opened up basically throwing in the admissions officers faces that you’re not really passionate about community service but you’re writing about it because you think that’s what they want to see. It’s definitely not. Surely this community service had to mean more to you than “it makes me happy when I’m able to see that I’m able to make a difference in some else’s life.” If it doesn’t I really think you should reconsider your topic. If it truly was significant to you than you should be able to expand on the personal impact it had on you a lot more. Presentation wise it’s okay, I saw a few misplaced apostrophes and small things like that. Just sell yourself a bit :p</p>
<p>Do you think it would be better if I took more of the negative aspects out and added more about how it affected me?..My teacher told me that it’s okay to be honest to yourself because colleges want to know more about our personality not what we want them to think of us…I do understand that I was being too honest and i’m currently editing my essay. Thanks for your time.</p>
<p>In future don’t post your essay online. Ask for readers and you can PM them.</p>
<p>I don’t feel as harshly as m0rning about this. What was your prompt? You don’t have enough posts (15) to PM it.</p>
<p>It is pretty hilarious really and makes a good point to me. In a recent post a kid complained that community service was lame and that kids only did it for college applications, not for the community. But I answered that the community is helped anyway, and this is a perfect illustration. But m0rning is right that it isn’t particularly self analytical.</p>
<p>Do you have hours helping this cause on your EC list for later years?</p>
<p>edit to add: I kinda like the honesty…</p>
<p>“Do you think it would be better if I took more of the negative aspects out and added more about how it affected me?..”</p>
<p>Not necessarily, I actually do like the whole “yeah it sucked but the experience meant something to me” angle—you just need to talk about its impact on you more, the ratio of what you did to why it mattered is like 9:1 lol. Try and condense the specifics down a tad I’d say and open up some room to show yourself off.</p>
<p>My prompt was to write about a life changing experience… I’m trying to condense it more so i’m able to make more self analytical. Thanks again.</p>
<p>Rough Draft #2 Does this sound better, worse or the same? I feel that it sound the same but idk what else to do.<br>
I needed to do community service for a ninth grade English project on how I’m able to change the world. In my mind it was too time consuming. I didn’t want to waste my weekends doing homework. The weekend is to relax and hang out with friends. As the deadline was creeping up on me I was in frantic search of something to do. I finally got an idea from my mom’s co-worker to raise money with her church for a charity called Charity Water. The goal was to make five thousand dollars in water bottles to help build a well in a country that doesn’t have any fresh water. To collect the bottles I had to go through the disgusting, dirty, filthy garbage cans at the high school after every Saturday and Sunday. These were the best days since all the soccer teams have games on the weekend and they would fill the garbage cans up to the top. With the overflow of water bottles it was the perfect time to start collecting. Every time I stuck my hand in I would cringe hoping I don’t touch the inside of the can because of how sticky and dirty it was. I could smell rotten fruits mixed with the scent of spilt Gatorade. At the end of the day my mom and I would pack up the car with the huge bags of bottles and squeeze them in because there wasn’t enough room. We then take off to the Waldbaum’s down the street. As we get two carts to put the bottles in I open the trunk and some of the bottles would fall out of the bag. We ran around the parking lot picking up as many bottles as we can without letting any roll away. After we fill the cart we go to the recycling machines. We wait patiently for the people in line to take their turn and then we enter. The room smelt worse than the garbage cans. Every step you took your foot would be stuck to the floor due to the spilt soda from the bottles. It reeked of soda, beer, cigarettes and the expired food that the store had to throw out. After an exhausting day I was expecting to get at least twenty five dollars and all I got was fifteen dollars. This frustrated me and made me more determined to meet my goal. I decided to make it a game instead of a chore. My goal was to make more money than the week before. I found myself asking neighbors and family members for additional bottles just so I could receive more money than the week before. By the end of two month and my project due date, I was able to raise about one hundred and twenty five dollars. I gave the money to my mom’s co-worker and I was upset that it finally came to an end. I didn’t expect to enjoy it as much as I did. A week after I sent in my donation I got a thank you card from Charity Water saying how much they appreciated my donation. It made me extremely happy knowing what I did was being recognized. A month after that I got another card with pictures of the well I helped raised money for. The well was made in Ethiopia. The people looked thrilled that they had gotten the chance to receive fresh water and I enjoyed seeing the impact I made on someone else’s life. The look on their faces made me realize how lucky I am. I have never been deprived of water and its multiple uses. I decided to continue to raise money for Charity Water because I feel that water is such an important aspect of life and nobody should be deprived of it.</p>