Please help me with my essay!!

College Essays
1

ok so it was a rainy day today and I had nothing to do so I started writing my common app essay. My dream school is NYU so I need my essay to be phenomenal. I am fully aware that there are some grammar mistakes and whatnot but this is the first of many many draft and it was written on my phone. Im not sure how to write it or if this is a good topic or how to go about with it. please help me.

this is the prompt I chose:
3.Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea. What prompted you to act? Would you make the same decision again?

but im also not sure if I can fit it into this prompt

  1. Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

im pretty certain I want to talk about this. Im very energetic in my writing and I have a lot of voice so I hope my essay transmits that well enough. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME. Anything would be greatly appreciated so thank you so much in advance.

My sophomore year of high school, after much begging, I was finally put in the debate class and was inspired to join the club. My first meeting began with my thermos on the floor and my frantically apologizing to an upperclassman. Mortified, I kept repeating “oh my god I’m like super sorry.” Those were the first words my fellow debaters heard me speak. The words seemed normal coming out of my mouth but it seemed that fillers and exclamations that are typically no big deal are often looked down upon in the speech and debate community, especially if the source is a cliché teenage girl.
Eventually I would learn that the hard way. It took about five or so meetings for me to actually speak up after my first meeting; I was initially terrified that my points and ideas wouldn’t be taken seriously. Unfortunately for me, that was the case my first competition. I was never one to judge a book by its cover but it’s safe for me to say that other people think differently. Over lunch I prepped for my speech on Eminent Domain for the Florida Panther while “inadvertently” eavesdropping on a group of boys seated a few feet away from me.
“Look at her, she’s a girl. There’s no way she’s smarter than any of us.”
“She’s wearing heels and a skirt, there is nothing intelligent she can possibly say.”
“You cannot take someone that wears a headband with flowers seriously. It’s a fact of life.”
I could not believe these misogynists were sitting five feet away from me and saying these horrible things. Obviously there was nothing I could do about it except prove them wrong. So when the time came to make my case I stood behind the podium, readjusted that same floral headband, and figuratively kicked butt with my very meticulously chosen words.
Seconds later my opponent stood behind that very podium and stumbled through a three minute speech plus cross examination. To say the least it was out of character, he had done well in his previous speech. It seemed he hadn’t prepared enough. With all due reason, he was speaking against a girl that couldn’t possibly say anything intelligent. How could anyone expect him to prepare, or give that girl the benefit of the doubt?
He learned his lesson the hard way. My school won the competition that year and I continued competing. I did things differently however.
Given that it was my first competition, I am now aware that my outfit, headband included, wasn’t ideal. I am now aware that in order to be taken seriously I shouldn’t exploit my femininity. Yet I am still appalled that my intelligence would be undermined by my appearance. I was not dressed unprofessionally or provocatively, I just stood out from the crowd of tweed power suits. There was nothing wrong with that.
I still continue to stand out for the crowd but I’ve grown to prefer to do so as a result of the ideas I put forth rather than the way I look.
From a young age I refused to believe that I would be treated differently because I was female, I had never truly experienced it.
However, that one competition when I was sixteen changed the way I saw things. I realized I had to work extra hard to receive the same amount of respect my other classmates do even if I’m right and they’re wrong or vice versa. I realized that the way I presented myself was to unfairly affect the validity of my words. I refused to stand by that and I still do.

2

It could use some work. I also dream of attending NYU and will be writing my essay in the coming months. It is a great topic. There is no doubt you could write an excellent essay about this, and it is a good start. I would say that introducing the topic of misogyny earlier would be helpful. The flow is a little choppy too. Also present yourself as someone who rose above adversity, currently it seems slightly melodramatic. The intro and conclusion are very important in this type of essay so make sure they are solid.

May I ask what your other stats are? GPA and SAT? Also which school do you plan on applying to?

3

**Avoid posting your essays directly on the forum where they can be plagiarized. Instead, private message people. Overall, this is a pretty good essay. I think it fits the third prompt much better than the first, unless this experience absolutely changed your life. I also agree with Apples1789302 that you come across as a little overly dramatic. You can bring up the misogyny in a more subtle way just by describing how they interact with you in the meetings. And at the end, it’s a little unclear whether or not you truly challenged the misogyny, because you did change your appearance and the way you talk based on the opinions of “men.”

Is the issue of misogyny important to you; do you care about it outside of your own life? Because all I get from this is that you are a “typical” teenage girl, and you are in the debate team. What are your other passions; can you incorporate any others into your essay, or tie them together?**

My sophomore year of high school, after much begging, I was finally put in the debate class and was inspired to join the club. My first meeting began with my thermos on the floor and my frantically apologizing to an upperclassman. Mortified, I kept repeating “oh my god I’m like super sorry.” Those were the first words my fellow debaters heard me speak. The words seemed normal coming out of my mouth but it seemed that fillers and exclamations that are typically no big deal are often looked down upon in the speech and debate community, especially if the source is a cliché teenage girl.

[Okay, first, you can tell the little anecdote about the thermos more dramatically. Open with the thermos hitting the floor. Describe the dialogue, your surroundings, and their reactions. Be descriptive. Maybe use some onomatopoeia. That will engage the reader. Then explain that this is your first day in debate club, and already you sound like a ditzy teenage girl (don’t use cliche or stereotypical, give an actual adjective that conveys what you want to say.]

Eventually I would learn that the hard way.** [You don’t need this transition; it messes up the flow of your story.] For the next five meetings, I kept my mouth shut. [After seeing their reactions / hearing their criticism / what happened?],** I was initially terrified [Why “terrified?” Did you think that they would openly insult you?] that my points and ideas wouldn’t be taken seriously. Unfortunately for me, as I approached the day of my first competition, my fears were proven to be right. [You keep saying “that was the case” without making it clear what “that” is…] I was never one to judge a book by its cover but it’s safe for me to say that other people think differently. [Avoid criticizing people like that; even if it’s true, it sounds off. You don’t want to come off as self-righteous.] Over lunch[, as I prepped for my speech on Eminent Domain for the Florida Panther [Unless these are names, none of these should be capitalized.], I overheard a group of boys from the team who were seated a few feet away from me.

“Look at her, she’s a girl. There’s no way she’s smarter than any of us.”
“She’s wearing heels and a skirt**;** there is nothing intelligent she can possibly say.”
“You cannot take someone that wears a headband with flowers seriously. It’s a fact of life.”
[I can’t tell if you’re paraphrasing to emphasize the misogyny or if people actually say such ridiculous things in this day and age.]
[How did you react in the moment?] I could not believe these misogynists were sitting five feet away from me and saying these horrible things. [I think you need to explain why you were still on the debate team with people who you know looked down on you.] There was nothing I could do about it except prove them wrong. So when the time came to make my case**,** I stood behind the podium, readjusted that same floral headband, and figuratively kicked butt with my very meticulously chosen words. [I think that this needs a little more development. You’re saying that you went from being terrified of them to being confident and assertive. You’re also saying that you went from not saying anything, and when you did, sounding like a “cliche teenage girl,” to having an articulate argument. And this is in the span of a few hours… Sounds a little implausible.]

Seconds later**,** my opponent stood behind that very podium and stumbled through a three minute speech plus cross examination. To say the least**,** it was out of character,; he had done well in his previous speech. It seemed he hadn’t prepared enough. With all due reason, he was speaking against a girl that couldn’t possibly say anything intelligent. How could anyone expect him to prepare, or give that girl the benefit of the doubt? [Okay, that’s speculating. Maybe he just didn’t prepare for some other reason. And by previous speech, do you mean previous speech with you, or with someone else?]

He learned his lesson the hard way. My school won the competition that year**,** and I continued competing. I did things differently however. [If your opponent was from another school and didn’t know you, how could he have been sexist? Also, are you going to say anything about how your teammates treated you afterwards?]

Given that it was my first competition, I am now aware that my outfit [What was the rest of the outfit?], headband included, wasn’t ideal. I am now aware that in order to be taken seriously**,** I shouldn’t exploit my femininity. Yet I am still appalled that my intelligence would be undermined by my appearance. I was not dressed unprofessionally or provocatively, I just stood out from the crowd of tweed power suits. There was nothing wrong with that. [So… They convinced you that you do need to change in order to be taken seriously. But you also don’t think that there’s anything wrong with the way you dress. Do you care what they think or not?]

I still continue to stand out from the crowd**,** but now I prefer to do so through the ideas I put forth rather than the way I look. From a young age**,** I refused to believe that I would be treated differently because I was female**;** I had never truly experienced it. However, that one competition when I was sixteen changed the way I saw things. I realized I had to work extra hard to receive the same amount of respect my other classmates do even if I’m right and they’re wrong or vice versa. I realized that the way I presented myself was to unfairly affected the validity of my words. I refused to stand by that and I still do. [Refused to stand by what?]

4

The last sentence/conclusion really deflated the entire essay. It really gained momentum when you figuratively kicked butt, but honestly, it stopped kicking butt at the end. It felt like you gave in to the pressures of misogynists and instead of going forward, speaking out against them, or exposing the problem, you shrunk up and went with the flow and sort of just accepted the fact. That might not be something that admission officers are looking for. Good story, bad ending and theme. Gotta make it seem like you made a difference.