College Essay

I am worried about my college essay not meeting the prompt’s requirements. Any suggestions?

Prompt:

Describe a problem you’ve solved or a problem you’d like to solve. It can be an intellectual challenge, a research query, an ethical dilemma - anything that is of personal importance, no matter the scale. Explain its significance to you and what steps you took or could be taken to identify a solution.

Essay:

There are many problems that I would like to solve, but I am only talking about one. The lack of necessary sleep that teens are receiving. The American Academy of Pediatrics calls this problem a public health epidemic. The key contributor to this problem is middle and high schools. The Academy suggests that schools start no earlier than 8:30 AM: however, some schools start as early as 7:00 AM. Waking teens up early affects more than grades, it affects their physical and mental health as well as their driving.

During the adolescent years, teens bodies are changing and adapting, including their sleep cycles. Melatonin, which is a hormone that affects sleep, is secreted by the body’s pineal gland. This is a small gland located slightly above the middle of the brain and is responsible for telling our bodies when to sleep. For teens, melatonin is secreted around 11:00 PM to 8:00 AM. When some teenagers need to wake up for school before their body is ready, it can lead to an insufficient amount of sleep. The recommended amount of sleep is at least eight to ten hours. Only 9% of high school students are receiving the recommended amount and what is worse is that 20% are getting less than five hours a night. Studies have shown that a lack of REM (or Rapid Eye Movement) can have an impact on our ability to learn. Because of waking up early, they wake up, feeling tired and do not absorb as much information compared to being well rested. Teenagers are more likely to be depressed, get into car accidents, and have heart disease. A study by two Minneapolis area districts has proved many benefits to later start time. Both schools started at 7:20, one school changed their start time to 8:30. They found less sleeping in class, less student-reported depression, improved attendance, fewer visits to school counselors, and more docile temperament at home. Teenagers need more sleep, so they can have a better mental state and a better ability to learn.

This topic is extremely important to me because this affects my health and eventually my younger brothers’ health. These changes might not be taken into effect until after I graduate from high school. There are going to be students after me that need this change, including my brothers. There are several ways that I can enact change within my school district. To start, I can put together a petition signed by teenagers and their parents. I can also vote for school board members when I can. I will vote during primary and midterm elections as well as encourage others to do so. Another thing that I can do is inform teenagers and their parents about the dangers of early school start times. This is so they can advocate for later start times as well.

Somebody with more experience in this can help more, but to me it looks like homework essay on the topic of lack of sleep in teens. There is almost nothing of you in it.

It is a personal essay, not a class assignment. Make it personal.

First off, never ever post an essay in an open forum. It can be easily plagiarized by others and/or flagged as being plagiarized.

That said, I totally agree with Mwolf. Your essay needs to be about you. The only way this topic could have worked is if you had already tackled the problem at your school and made the essay about your leadership and had data on positive outcomes.

As is, I agree that this reads like a class assignment.

Do some goggling on how to hack the college essays. Johns Hopkins’ website also has some sample essays that worked on their website.

Is this the common app essay or a Tufts specific supplement? If doesn’t really work if it is the common app essay, because as others as noted, we don’t learn much about you. If it is a Tufts specific question, the topic is fine, but try approaching it by sharing a story about yourself with more showing and less telling.

Well, for starters, you can’t use this essay now. It’s been online for hours. It may have been plagiarized. And, even if not, since it’s online, it will be flagged for plagiarism-- even though you’re the author.

But the good news is that it’s not the essay you want to submit anyway.

The point behind this essay is to give the reader a glimpse into the real you. It’s to separate you from the other kids with the exact same stats. It’s to “give them a reason to say yes” to YOUR application, as opposed to someone else’s.

It’s not to educate.

You wrote a decent essay. But you missed the point. I could have done the research and written the exact same essay-- as a 60 year old woman! If I could have written the same essay, then it is NOT the one you want to submit to a college to help them to get to know you.

Summary:

  1. Make it about YOU (why it's important to YOU, how YOU solved the problem, how that experience can lead YOU to solving other issues or leading chage)
  2. Show don't tell (very important). Use active language. (i.e "The lack of necessary sleep that teens are receiving" could be - Teens need more sleep; it's important and it's a crisis.) Something like that.
  3. Find a local person to review (not public forums) - a parent, a teacher, a friend who is a very good writer, etc.

They’ve said it all but I’m sorry to say your essay is flawed.
Whiles collage admission officers are damn in need of an essay of a personality : let say a personality that can make something big out of the small a personality that can impact the world or community with life lessons drawn from circumstances, here you are just talking about a topic they probably might have already read in one of the articles in the New York times.