Just talked to a friend last night who has only seen his son briefly 3-4 times since classes started, and the college is closer to their house than his high school. That certainly can work as long as parents and kid are both on board about reasonable expectations.
Having said that, the other problem in my mind is that I’m guessing he is mostly hanging out with his HS friends. That’s ok, but I think part of college is learning how to branch out and make a new social group. It’s pretty easy to not bother when there are 100 kids from your HS at college with you.
I’m not sure why some feel the need to put rules out there as if every human is the same. Like a pack of puppies, some love to venture and some prefer snuggling. Humans differ. Their loves differ. Their sense of adventure differs. That’s ok.
Match the fit to the student (not the parent).
The closest one of my lads went was 6 hours away and all three had a blast. We’ve loved “having” to visit FL in the winter and NY in the leaf turning fall… then our trip to Jordan when one lad did a Study Abroad…but my lads have always been the venturing puppies - as are their Wander Loving parents.
D18 is several states away, but 15 minutes from a major airport. We live 15 minutes from an airport, she can be home faster than if she was at a lot of instate schools. I think it matters if they have a car, because if not they have to get rides or you have to get them! It all depends on your kid. Our younger one wants to be close to us and that’s fine too- we will just move where she lands! :))
Just to make it clear, I wasn’t commenting on anyone’s personal preference and ability to adjust, only mentioning logistical benefits of schools within driving distance for practical needs and unforeseen difficulties. Obviously, different kids like different set up and can make it work but let’s not forget that most kids aren’t aware of difficulties some may face in college.
There are a lots of benefits in venturing out and if all things go right, it is a priceless experience. By no means i’m supporting control freak paranoid attitude to limit kid’s college choices to local community college and nearest state school.
I do think sometimes an 18 year old isn’t good at anticipating the challenges of adjusting to living in a dorm and being in college. If you are a quieter, more academic kid moving into a dorm at the state directional may seem like a great idea and then feel awful when you’re different than the average student there. Some students are prone to depression or anxiety. Some kid may be slower to fly but that doesn’t determine a life trajectory either. I had a horrible first year at one college and found ways to get home MANY weekends. And it was 3+ hours one way. I transferred to a school less than an hour from home and went home much less because it was a better fit and there was more of interest to me on campus. I went on to travel the world independently in my 20’s including to the 3rd world, buy my own home as a single female, and was extremely independent despite my “needy” early college days.
I guess my comment is that I don’t think you can say anything generally in this regard. Kids can struggle at any distance. Sometimes a short, readily available flight or cheap mega bus is a better determinant of accessibility for your family. Dorm living is a unique living situation that not every kid is going to love and embrace. Some schools do a much better job pairing roommates than others. Some families have the luxury of musing over “fit” or urban vs. rural, etc for their particular student but not every family does. My senior has a number of schools on his list chosen for affordability/possible merit. One is close to home and would be affordable. But is possibly less of a social “fit”. I suspect it might take him a little longer to find his people there. He can come home weekends if he wants. 2 other schools he is applying to are within weekend visit distance, but there would be much more going on to keep him on campus I suspect. Some are very far away, but those schools are more targeted for fit. We’ll see where he ends up. We don’t really have the luxury to say I’ll spend any amount for you to have the perfect college experience in the urban area of your choosing kid even though he would love that.
I had a sibling that didn’t venture super far for college, but absolutely never came home until breaks.
Question for those of you who have a kid 5-8 hours away. How do you handle getting them home and back to school? Do you do the round trip drive in one day or do you drive there, stay overnight and then drive home the next day? Some of the schools my D is looking at do not have a nearby airport so driving is the only option but these drives seem really long and seem like they would require us to take a day or two off from work. Sometimes I think somewhere with a 2 hour flight would be a much easier option. I really want her to spread her wings and go somewhere she will really love but the logistics of some of these schools are making me a little crazy.
I went halfway across the country and I don’t regret it, but there certainly were logistical challenges.
Both of mine were within a two hour drive. My son came home for a few random weekends during the 3 semesters he was there. Probably 2-3 times a semester. Daughter is a junior and I think she’s done that 2-3 times total. And she doesn’t tend to come home for the short breaks either. Last year she didn’t even come home for spring break. She went to visit her brother across the country so I guess that’s a good excuse:)
This year she moved into her apartment in early August. We’ve seen her once since then—she came home for an overnight visit in October. She’s traveling with friends for Thanksgiving. We will probably see her next Friday because we will be in the city where her school is. And then we will see her over Christmas.
It is definitely easier to move in and out and handle various logistics.
@MAmom111 , my college kid is a flight away, but when she was in HS we did lots of these distance drives for auditions. I consider myself pretty good at road trips and long distance drives, but would never do a 6 hour drive (like from us to Chicago) in one day; that would be way too much for me. Now, I’m older and do get a little “creaky” after long hours in the car, but I would also worry about getting sleepy on the way home. A big consideration is if your student would handle any of the driving, and if you would be comfortable enough while they are driving to actually sleep or rest. Mine are good drivers but I don’t think I would be able to sleep while they were driving.
A friend of ours picks up his kid who is 12 hours away…he leaves early Saturday morning, does it all in one day, then comes back Sunday morning! So it can be done!! (he’s much younger than I am LOL!)
My son is looking at schools with 6-8 hours drive and I am imagining that we would drive rather than fly. Again because I don’t mind driving, and it’s much easier to do move ins by car, and to have the flexibility to leave whenever you want rather than deal with a flight schedule.
One thing that you may want to factor in is that the dorms close surprisingly early for breaks. Now, exceptions can be made, but this was a surprise to us. For example, I think for my DD, she has to be out by Friday night when Friday is the last day of finals. So driving in Saturday for example, she would have to make some alternate arrangements or get an extension from Residence Hall dept. And finally, weather matters, for driving or for flying! I think the East Coast has had major storms and flight cancellations the last two Christmas breaks.
@MAmom111 I went to school 6 hours from home with no airport. My mom once did the round trip in one day and never again. After that, she expected me to find my own way home or if it was move in/pick up, she would do an overnight. My D is only 3 hours (plus or minus depending on traffic) so I do the roundtrip in a day but I have her drive the leg that she’s with me.
That said, there are tons of ride share boards and often public transportation options to closer in cities. I would often take the bus to NYC and my mom would pick me up there (1 hour from home) or I’d get a ride most of the way with a friend.
That all said, I never went home for the short breaks and my parents didn’t come for parents’ weekend. That’s something for your family to decide and consider.
I suppose there are kids who can’t handle airports and changing flights. I’m glad I don’t have to drive hours each way to pick up my kid, or trust them on long drives with others student drivers or even themselves driving. Kids mature a LOT senior year of HS and first semester of college. Even a kid you’d think couldn’t handle it junior year can develop those skills quickly.
One of mine was a travel pro by senior year of HS. Second one wasn’t, but paid close attention during final college visits and was fine by the time college started. I’d a lot rather buy a plane ticket and just drive to the airport when needed than mess wirh driving, unreliable rides, car maintenance, etc. And if they go to college in a nice place, you can go see them occasionally (I miss Southern CA!). Both options have logistical challenges, and pros and cons. Starting a thread with a post that assumes your preference is the best way is presumptuous.
What 1 hour flights? Factor getting to the airport and TSA.
D1 initially wanted to go as far away as possible. Then she thought about it and prioritized “great party scene.” Luckily, by mid junior year, she was focusing on academic opps.
Don’t overestimate those home cooked meals or hugging the puppy. This is a time of growth and they DO do that without us being shoulder to shoulder. Love and support don’t require proximity. And you can give lots when they are home. You can fly to them if there’s a break and they can’t come home.
All different if your child has issues. But good parents are already trying to do their best, weighing what’s needed.
I didn’t “read” the initial thread like that at all. CC is filled with posts from HS seniors dying to leave the nest and go far away, and then posts from college freshmen lamenting the struggles of being far from home. I think the OP was just pointing out to high school students that there are logistical challenges being far from home.
I think the take away is be prepared and to think through these issues before you make a decision.
I think it also depends on your location. If you live in Thr northeast almost every school from Virginia to Ohio back to northern Ny/NE and back is drivable. And there are countless options. Big states and more rural regions don’t give you the same flexibility.
I think the opposite. My nephew goes to school about 40 minutes away. My sister is the clingy parent, but she couldn’t just ‘drop in’ as he is on a campus with 32000 others, as it would be hard to find him. Instead she’d arrange to meet him for breakfast on Sunday mornings, be in and out in an hour, and he’d get fed too. It was all within his control. Sure there are a lot of kids from his high school there since it is the flagship, and they all love seeing a friendly face occasionally, but there were 900 kids (all boys) at the high school and now there are 32k kids at the university. And some of them are girls. If he wants to drive home, he might stay an hour for a meal or to work his old job or to attend a party, but he goes back to school when he wants.
When my daughter whose school is 150 miles away comes home, she had to make it worth the trip and stay 2-4 days. It is a pain to drive up 2+ hours, get her, and drive home 2+ more hours, and then repeat the process on Sunday night. That was 5 hours of my time. There is no way I’d consider a 6 hour one way drive as convenient; that kid would be on an airplane if there was one. My daughter who lives 2000 miles away can be home in 4 hours on a plane.
There were members of my sorority who were from the town and a few had known each other since kindergarten. Some still lived at home. They took steps to get involved at the university. It worked out and they met other kids.
The mother of one of D1’s freshman roomies got a job across the street from the college, an hour daily commute, thinking she could have regular lunch with her D.
It did not help their relationship. Even if we only give them a sense of their budding independence, that’s better for them.
Just make sure that the reason your kid stays local is not because of the parents concern and insecurities.
For my kids I don’t want them to limit their college choices because of distance and my wife and I encourage them to explore “best fit” regardless of how far it is from our home. Study abroad is also highly encouraged in our household.
@lookingforward and @socaldad2002 Both of your posts are about parenting, not distance. Parents need to know personal boundaries with adult children and those boundaries go far outside of location. @lookingforward’s example sounds like a future in-law nightmre.
@MAmom111 - For the holidays and longer breaks, sometimes there is college-provided bus transportation to a train stations and airports in cities near the college. At other times, if you want to split up the trip, you can stay overnight somewhere near the college. Inexpensive motels work well for one-night stays.
In terms of this thread overall- well, every student is different in terms of their preferences and what they are ready for and/or prefer. Boarding school kids have been away from home for years, for example. For some other kids, going away from home for the first time is a big deal, and they may choose to limit college selections to those closer to home. Each high school senior needs to think through the options and make a decision.
One can take direction from one’s child on how often to visit. For example, our son’s current plan is for us to see one another about once a month this year. The distance of his college lends itself to our being able to do that without excessive time or expense. So, he has plenty of opportunity to build his independent living skills and define his own experience as a young adult… yet when he wants to see us, it is pretty easy to do so. Also, on a visit, you can come and go as your child wishes; you could meet up for a meal but then go entertain yourselves elsewhere while your child attends evening activities with friends.
I agree with posters who noted that successful independent functioning and distance from home are not necessarily synonymous.
I also agree with points made above that the process should be driven by the student’s needs and preferences, not the parent’s. It is, after all, each student’s own education and own transition into adulthood. The parent’s role is to let your child see that you have confidence in them and not to add to their anxieties about their new independence, while also communicating that you always will be there for them.
for our family - we are so thankful D16 transferred to school 1 hr away from us after being 7+ hrs away. Really. Many reasons why she transferred. I do wish that first school would have worked out better because it’s costing us quite a bit more now. But – being able to see her on a moment’s notice has been a joy. I was in her college town last week, and popped into her place and played cleaning fairy, and brought some flowers and flameless candles. She Loved That. Time is fleeting on doing those small things.