Never underestimate value of being able to drive home to meet family, pick up things, eat home food, meet old friends, find refuge in your old room, celebrate holidays, attend a family event, get pampered when sick, provide support if family needs it, hug your puppy, see your trusted doctor, eat at your favorite restaurant, shop at your local mall, drop by at your karate school, avoid airport frenzy, expensive airfares, etc etc.
I’m not recommending enrolling in your town’s community college but staying within 2-6 hrs so you are far enough to grow up but not too far for comfort. It can make logistics really manageable. You may not like this idea now but may appreciate it later. Munch on this bit of food for thought before rejecting it.
Never underestimate the value of exploring a new part of the country and meeting people from different geographic area. Or building the skills to cope when you can’t just head home when a problem occurs. Of course you have to be aware of the logistics of you go farther away. We did not find that to be a good reason to keep our kids close. Both went pretty far away with no regrets for any of us.
Having read tons of angst this semester on the parents FB page for my daughters’ freshman class, I totally agree. Lots of super sad parents about not being able to get to see their students over the short breaks, parents weekend, and even thanksgiving. And it’s not just the parents, but students too. Plus air travel around holiday time is expensive and a PIA. As mentioned in another thread, college schedules can also change at the last minute which also throw a wrench into travel plans.
Another handy option is having your kids a short flight (ca. 1 hour, non-stop) away, with airports that are easily accessible and with plentiful and inexpensive flights each day. It’s especially nice when the airports are serviced by Southwest and you get 2 free checked bags and a very flexible cancellation policy.
Indeed. Actually, most 2-6 hr drives fall into your 1 hr non-stop flight category so one can fly or drive. Even better if there is a train and/or a bus service as well. It’s nice to have options.
I love the idea of D being 7 hours away. She needs to learn to be on her own, while her mother needs to learn to let her go.
When I attended school 40 minutes away from home not once did I come home for anything other than school breaks. However, when I was 3.5 hours from home, I did come home with friends a few times for that home cooked meal (it was fun 24 hour road trip).
Technically both were drivable, but 3.5 hours is not really a dive to make just to hug your puppy.
@eb23282 I agree, compared to safety of 3.5 hrs, 40 minutes is within danger zone, clingy parents can drop by any time without prior planing, you can be summoned home randomly. It’s pretty much a commuter college experience, you might as well live at home. Adding insult to injury, you’ll have enough kids from your high school on your college campus to call it 13th grade of high school.
Attending college within driving distance certainly has its advantages and for individual situations might be a very important factor. Generally, however, for many geographic locations that would also be quite limiting.
For my senior, the only driving-distance school on the list is the state flagship safety and there really aren’t any more interesting driving-distance options. Top choice du jour is about 2000 mi/4.5-hr flight + 2 time zones + 45 min on one end and 30+ min on the other. The “close” option is only 1200 mi/2.5 hr flight/1 time zone.
Oh for goodness’s sake. I went to college 2 hours from home and the only time I went home was on breaks. Yes, being a reasonable drive from home makes it much easier to go home for short breaks and the logistics and expense of getting home are reasonable things to consider. And I realize that not every kid is as independent at 18 as I was. But I’m really not sure that actually encouraging a kid to come running home for comfort for every little thing, which is much of what the OP sounds like, is the best way to build independence and self-sufficiency.
Shop at your local mall? Drop by your karate school? Are these things that really won’t wait until the end of the semester?
As I say to S19, who is not the most independent kid in the world and occasionally expresses a desire to come home every other weekend “I love you. I will miss you. Go to school and stay there.” Too much running home means not enough time at school building friendships and being involved with the life of the school.
I mentioned all these as I often see posts about students having issues settling in college, even battling health problems or depression and avoiding travel as flights are expensive. Obviously, they don’t have to go home regularly but when they do need/want to, it may help to have an option to do so.
As often people write about importance of going as far from home as possible to learn independence, it’s good for students to know that living near home has some pros too and they don’t have to go to other end of the country or attend local college. They can find a middle ground and still gain independence.
Sometimes there is really no choice. We live overseas with a goal of a few more years before retiring. My daughter is about 25 to 30 hours of miserable ground transportation, transitioning through various airports, and flight time away. We have been able to see her twice per year during the past two years. She has grown and thrived. Our lifestyle has made her college lifestyle possible. She knows that, we know that.
Seems to be an unpopular opinion here but I am strongly leaning towards the closer to home option. Looking at one 2 hours from home. It will be easy to get her to a theatre audition and the competitive merit interviews. Easy to move her in and out, easy to see her theatre productions without having to make arrangements for the pets or make my truck driver husband go on a long road trip when he’s tired of the road. No worries of flight costs or cancellations and less worry of long winter drives home. She can choose how often to come home. If she’s still with her boyfriend, we can eliminate the drama of moving far away from him; if she’s not with him, it’s still a good choice of school. I say if she wants to live somewhere more exotic, do it when she can live there permanently and not move in/move out several times.
Her feelings are mixed. On one hand she wants to be able to come home easily and see her sister and cats, on the other hand she wants to go somewhere cool and different where no one else from school has ever gone. Unfortunately there isn’t a great alternative that fits her budget and wish list like the close school does.
With our older D (now a senior in college) it’s definitely been nice to have her a one hour plane flight away on Southwest for the reasons outlined by @LoveTheBard. We sort of lucked out that her #1 school choice was someplace where that was possible. But she has also spent one semester on an exchange on the other coast, spent two summers away and has traveled across the country for at least two conferences and one job interview. It’s an accumulation of valuable experiences.
I will say that with D#2, I am concerned about dealing with issues like mental health, medications, etc. I definitely want her to live in a dorm and not be a commuter. In her case there are enough red flags that I’m hoping for a “middle ground” as @CupCakeMuffins says where she can gain independence but still have some help when needed.
One of my kids wants to go to school 1000 miles away. That’ll be great. My other two went to school 150 miles away. That was great too.
I went to school 2 1/2 hours away from home. For me that was the sweet spot, far enough away that I’d never run into my 3rd grade teacher in the local packy but close enough that I could get home easily for holidays. I’m sure I would have been fine further away as well.
I have a hard time imagining anyone driving 4-12 hours just to shop in their local mall or eat at their favorite restaurant. Find the mall in your college town and try some new restaurants!
Being too close can work well or it can lead to dependence on home as a crutch. This happened to my neighbor’s kid who went to school a half hour away. When he ended up with an incompatible roommate, instead of working things out or getting a room switch he started coming home on weekends. By Christmas he was coming home every weekend and by spring he was taking the year off because he’d never found his social group.
I disagree with the premise that somehow distance defines independent functioning. Each of us parents differently, provides our kids different levels of support, and has kids with varied abilities. Whether they live 40 mins away or 8 hrs away…distance is not the factor that determines successful transition to complete independent adult functioning. Kids can live 40 mins away, thrive, and function completely independently, and kids living far away can fail to function and crash and burn.
Life is far more complicated than such simple scenarios defining anything of significance.