<p>Elaborating on an extracurricular event. (1000 characters)</p>
<p>This is my very, very rough draft, I'd appreciate any criticism so please be honest. (You won't hurt my feelings)</p>
<p>When the umpire exclaims Play Ball! things becomes simple and comprehensible. I have been a part of the game of baseball for over fifteen years and Im always amazed at how much it has to teach about life. In baseball, as the old cliché goes: you win, lose, or get rained out, but in life and baseball, you always get the second chance of tomorrow. Although bad luck is a part of the game, those who work the hardest tend to have good things happen to them, in baseball, school, relationships, and anything else in life. Perhaps the most important thing baseball has to teach is to not overthink everything. Baseball is all about adapting quickly to adversity through training your reactions. The best players do not agonize over everything they cant control, they simply trust in their abilities to get the job done. It is easy to sit back and complain about certain situations life puts us in, but baseball teaches that when life throws you a curveball, wait back and drive it to right field.</p>
<p>Hmmm. I like your idea comparing baseball to life. But your first paragraph so far doesn’t give me a keen focus. What you said is very true, but it sounds very “preachy”. Keep in mind that most of the administrators are old fart like me who tends to be very critical. I know you like to express your views and philosophy, but it needs to impress us and not to bore us. I rather want to read an account of your game, your feelings, your thoughts that compares to real life. </p>
<p>BTW, which colleges/majors are you applying to? PM me if you don’t mind my harsh criticism. :-)</p>
<p>Yes, this draft is very rough. First of all, you have quite a few grammar mistakes. For instance, in your very first sentence you should say, “…things become simple (not becomes).” In addition, many of your sentences seem awkward. You can see an example of this with the following sentence:</p>
<p>The way you have it:
I have been a part of the game of baseball for over fifteen years and Im always amazed at how much it has to teach about life. </p>
<p>How I would suggest rewriting it:
In my 15 years of playing baseball, I have been amazed at how much it has taught me about life.</p>
<p>While the first sentence isn’t exactly in the passive voice, it’s not very active. The second example is a much stronger sentence. Do you see that? Look at the rest of your essay and find similar ways to improve it. Your writing exhibits a lot of struggle. Try to be more direct. For instance, instead of saying “Perhaps the most important thing baseball has to teach is to not overthink everything,” you should say, “Most importantly, baseball has taught me not to over-think.” </p>
<p>I hope this gives you a good start on polishing up your work!</p>
<p>What do you think about talking about some of the things one of my teammates taught me? Even though he wasn’t very “book smart” and had terrible grades I was always surprised at how much he knew about the game. I understand my first idea was very preachy and might have seemed a little arrogant even.</p>
<p>And also, it says I can’t pm you until I have posted over 15 times. But I plan to major in mechanical engineering (can you tell from my poor writing?) and this essay will go to Brown, Rice, and NYU Poly.</p>