Sport Analogy in Essay

College Essays
1

<p>EVERY "how to write a college essay" book that I have read said DO NOT write about the BIG GAME. But I thought I was being clever with my analogy. Please read the first paragraph of my current college essay draft. Is it likeable or clever, or am I doing myself a disservice by sounding like I'm about to tell the reader about the big play/save/whatever?</p>

<p>With my heart racing and knees shaking, I continued to play for the win. I tried to block out the cheers and hollering of the audience to focus on the approaching goal. My pace quickened in the last few seconds, determined to leave the crowd in awe. And in that moment, I felt like the winner. It wasn’t a touchdown, or a three point shot, but the crescendo of Purple Haze, one of the most complicated guitar solos of all time. As my fingers flew over the strings and my voice traveled through the microphone, it felt like the World Series. One thing that I may have forgotten to mention is that I was eight years old at the time. It was there, all three foot nine of me fronting a metal band, that I found my passion.</p>

2

<p>Simply love it!!</p>

3

<p>I really like it, but to improve the flow, I’d remove the “One thing…” and change it to “It was there, with all three foot nine of eight year old me fronting…” or something similar. It feels a bit spliced in to an otherwise great opening paragraph. :)</p>

4

<p>Thanks for your comments. Much appreciated, but can anyone comment on whether I’m doing myself a disservice by opening with something that “reads” like a “big play” or “big game” essay? Will I lose the reader before they get to the last sentence of this first paragraph?</p>

5

<p>I think they’ll make it through one paragraph. Maybe substitute “fingers” for “knees,” and include a subtle hint or two that it’s not what it seems? That might do the trick.</p>