We have the same setup and we sponsored my son’s car that incidentally my daughter will now inherit too as my son moved to Manhattan. Sexist in me says that a girl should have more support and that a smart boy should be able to make it anyway. Additionally I know that my son brags about where his sister goes to school so he should have no complaints that “his inheritance” is being spent on this school.
I do not feel being financially responsible for their education past bachelors and do not see the need to equalize their total educational costs.
Each of my kids grew up thinking the other one had “golden child” status.
Oops.
“Sexist in me says that a girl should have more support and that a smart boy should be able to make it anyway.”
haha. That is pretty sexist. 
Another way we spend more on daughters is society’s sexist way of divvying up wedding costs where the bride’s family picks up the majority of the costs.
One of my kids goes to a very expensive school (COA $55K), but has almost all her costs paid for. As a sophomore she did have to take the subsidized loans, and I will pay those if I’m min a position to when she graduates. Other child goes to a much cheaper (COA $25K) but costs me more. She has to work and take out more in loans. I pay what I can, they pay what they can, work, borrow.
Believe me one child feels that I’m spending all my money on the other kid and she is the better student. This has not changed since they were 5 years old. They used to get everything exactly the same because this child couldn’t stand it if anything was different. It took her a long time to accept that things didn’t have to be exactly the same to be fair, and she still has trouble with the concept. The other child? Doesn’t care at all.
Our goal was to provide a similar college experience to both kids because both were the type that “worked hard” and didn’t goof off during K-12. In the end, their costs were different, but that was fine because they both got the similar college experience.
Unless one child “hasn’t tried hard,” and therefore may not deserve a similar experience as his/her sibling, I think the goal should be a similar experience. That doesn’t mean “'both at publics” or “both at LACs”. What I mean is that if you have kids that “try their best” and they want a sleep-away college, then I would want them both to have that.
OP, you are asking more specific questions now which makes it easier to respond. No, I don’t think you need to match the level of Mac.
I agree with what I think is the consensus here, and that is to provide “equivalent college experience” for both even if your out-of-pocket is somewhat more for one of the kids. It’s an important goal to clear college without any loan debt going forward. That was our position, and we fully funded tuition, room and board, and so on (e.g., study abroad experience) for both kids.
Then the younger one decided to go to graduate school, after working in the economy for a few years. For that she took out a lot of loans for school costs, while we paid housing costs. After she graduated with her MBA and MS, she had a lot of debt. Initially we wanted to just let her earn and pay that off. But the amount really was large, and the federal direct loan interest rate was 7.6% (insane, but what’re you gonna do?).
We ran into some money a couple of years after that graduation, and wanted to pay off the remaining loan. But before we did that we asked the older one whether he minded that we were planning ot pay off that loan (but not to provide equivalent cash to him). “No, I don’t mind,” was his answer. And so it was done. I’m not sure what we would have done if he had said it was unfair. In truth, he didn’t need the money.
“There is certainly a contingent of parents on here that think their kids should absolutely take out loans, work during summers to pay for books and living expenses-even to pay part of the parent EFC , as well as work during the school term.”
I’m not among that group- IF you as a parent CAN afford to pay the additional funds for those type of expenditures for son # 2 that you didnt have to pay with son # 1.
IF .
if that IS the case, then I dont see any reason not to do so. Otherwise son # 2, who you said is is not as smart as your first child[ which happens more times that mere chance would suggest] , may resent or feel he is being punished for not being “as smart” as his older sibling.
Is that what you want?
"It is more of a matter of where to draw the line. Since S1 was able to buy a top of the line Mac, should S2 have the same? Or should S2 get a spending limit that I feel is reasonable? Since S1 gets to travel and buy luxury items with his summer earnings and doesn’t have to work during the school year, should I give S2 an allowance so he is able to do the same? "
IF you can afford to do so, I say yes.
We paid a lot more for college for D1 than for D2, a function of the two schools’ general financial aid availability, our family finances (we were lower income when D2 was in school), and D2’s different academic achievements. D1 took out the maximum amount of loans, and we promised to pay them off. D2 had approximately one-third the amount of loans, and I told her we’d pay those off as well. She decided to pay them herself and was able to do so all at once. I told her many times, and will repeat as necessary, that she has a rain check for the student loan amount, for anything she needs. Today she mentioned that her cash flow is a little tight because of just paying off her loans, so I dropped a check in the mail.
First…remember…fair is not always equal.
My first kid is a musician and had a number of costs in school that my second kid just didn’t have. Did I feel,the need to give the second kid extra money to make up,for,the difference? No.
I think the thing you want to do is give your kids a comparable education experience. This doesn’t meant it had to be identical.
Each child has to confront the reality that he or she faces at the time college comes around. If I were wealthy enough to provide anything for all of them, I would. I am not. I do what I can, when I can. I am employed: hallelujah. There is no way I can ensure each will have an equal contribution from me over the 15 year window will pass as all of ours get through college. There are too many variables I do not control. Maybe it will be equal, most likely it won’t be. It is each of their responsibilities to do whatever has to be done to get a college degree. So long as I am breathing, I will do what I can. Fairness is nice, but it is a luxury.
Every family is different about this and there are a lot of ways to define equality among siblings. Fairness in our house was based on meeting the needs of our kids as individuals with thoughtful allocation of resources. It was never a dollar for dollar equation. We wanted to facilitate getting them launched and both know that’s what we did.
One had a pricier hobby than the other for over a decade; one had math tutoring, the other music lessons. Both chose their colleges; rural and urban, with very different costs of living. One took more than 4 years to finish, the other had a partial scholarship and we helped with most of grad school. One had multiple semesters of paid internships, one had unpaid internships. One did three study abroad programs (including a paid fellowship) and the other none. Both worked during school to earn spending money and are now well employed in their fields.
We did what made sense for each of them at the time and were grateful to be able to do so. I couldn’t give an accurate accounting of exactly what we spent on either. It’s probably for the best…
@planner03 originally wrote:
Why didn’t S2 also choose a no loan policy school? If it’s because he wasn’t as strong an applicant as S1, then whose fault is that?
Regarding school costs, you are in a similar place as our family.
D1 is ending her freshman year at college. We provided dorm start-up supplies, paid the school and housing deposits (all by our own choice) and paid for transportation. Her scholarships and earnings paid for tuition, room, board, fees, books, and spending. By senior year it may not all be covered; if so, we may pick up the difference for her, either up front or by paying off student loans.
D2 is a rising HS senior, and is looking at three schools. School one is an equal situation to her sister; however, it is not her top choice. School two, after merit, will have an EFC of 4-5K per year (not including transportation, as that is on our dime.) As with D1, we’d probably either pay the difference or pay off student loans. School three is a little bit more of a wild card, but we expect an EFC of 10-15K per year. D2 knows that if she chooses school three, she will be taking the max in student loans every year and we’ll cover the rest.
All schools are several states away, which is why we provide for transportation. Assuming that most internship opportunities will be local to the school, we’ve told them to choose the best internship available to them, whether paid or not. If it’s unpaid, we’ll take care of living costs.
We see this plan as fair, but not necessarily equal. Hope this helps!
You are fortunate if all of your children have similar abilities and talents, but I already mentioned that S2 did not have the academic ability to apply to elites. I am not sure I am looking to assign “fault.” S1 is exceptional and I don’t expect his siblings to replicate his achievements. I also mentioned that S2 did chose the college that had the lowest parental contribution although I never suggested that he should…
Kids are different and require different amounts of our love, time, attention and resources throughout their lives. This is one of those times.
And it doesn’t always equal out. So be it. I guarantee neither will be upset if you pay “more” for the other. It is just life.
If you can afford it. Do it. Who knows? Maybe S1 will live at home after college but not S2? If you try to equalize, they will always un-equalize it in time!!!
I agree ‘equal’ may not be ‘fair’ in the short run, and maybe not exactly in the long run. We have two DDs, 25 months apart in age. As they were growing up we discussed different choices and different opportunities, and also that they need to foster a relationship between the two of them because H and I are older parents and they will eventually have just each other. D2 makes sure she is not ‘cheated’ - and in some ways it is more opportunity and effort for her to grow spiritually. D2 will be in higher paying profession at least initially; D1 would need to go on to graduate school to potentially match potential salary. They both have more resources from us than many, and if we could do more, we would - like provide a car for D2, who doesn’t ‘need’ one but thinks she does, while D1 did need a car and now is out of college and has to work to buy her own before our extra quite old car gets freed up. We might be going to two parents earning a salary or (recent development) to a loss of the one parent’s job - so we have to be pragmatic.
I also find that is a great statement @HRSMom “Kids are different and require different amounts of our love, time, attention and resources throughout their lives.”
@planner03
My intent was not to assign blame but to spark a discussion.
We also have 2 kids w unequal HS performance, and we are “resigned” to the reality that the less stellar performer child will likely cost us more for college. Different kids have different needs.
Our two kids know that we have saved up enough about $250K for each of them, enough to pay for 4 years of college education at the school of their choice. They can use that for undergrad or graduate school (one is interested in med school). Anything beyond that and they have to take out loans.
They are also encouraged to try for merit scholarships, knowing that they will receive any money left over after they are done with college.
One of them asked if she could just skip college and take the money now. I told her that in that case, I would just spend the money on new sports cars! 
We had the opposite circumstances. Our less stellar performer went to our flagship state university (which was his first choice and very appropriate for him), and that cost much less than the high-ranked private university our more stellar performer attended (and I must admit that the school she chose was just as good a match for her as the state university was for her brother).
But we were full pay, and it was not necessary for our kids to seek merit scholarships. If they had been in the hunt for merit scholarships, I can see how the one with the better credentials might have ended up with smaller bills.