I have been giving this a lot of thought as my 2nd S heads to college this fall but haven’t come to a conclusion so I’m wondering how others view the situation? My question is not about the parent contribution, but all of the other costs.
S1 attends a school that has a no loan policy, so he will graduate without debt. In addition he had outside scholarships that covered his summer contribution and work study this year. The scholarships were paid to the University and then he ended up getting back about $3100 for indirect costs. So, he didn’t need to contribute anything nor did he need to work, yet he had ample spending money and never needed to ask me for a dime. In addition he had outside scholarship funds that covered his dorm supplies, computer, and all books and transportation.
S2 has a $5500 loan in his FA package toward direct costs. He is also responsible for all indirect costs(books, transportation, misc., however much that ends up being-his college does not provide an estimate) and will not have funds for dorm supplies or a computer. I expect that he will receive some outside scholarships. He has $1000 so far and optimistically will receive another $2000 or so.
First, it is not a problem financially to cover all of his costs including the $5500 loan, but the question is should I? Should I be equalizing their college experiences?
You will get wide range of answers here. If I could afford it, I would provide “similar college experience” for my kids. It would mean college tuitions, room & board, dorm supplies, school supplies and transportation. If one kid is able to get better internships and make more spending money, I wouldn’t feel compelled to make up the difference for another kid. What is important is to let your kids know what you are willing to pay and let them figure out how they are going to pay the rest. Some families may expect students to pay for books, spending money and transportation, but I chose to pay for all of that while they were in school.
My thoughts right now are that since I would have provided all of the dorm supplies and the computer for S1 if he hadn’t had the scholarship I will do the same for S2. However I will purchase what I think is reasonable, not necessarily at the same level S1 was able to purchase with the scholarship funds so it won’t be “equal.”
I don’t really agree with the “skin in the game” concept when it comes to student loans. I can afford to pay, so after the outside scholarships are applied I will probably pay the difference.
I don’t consider transportation and books a discretionary expense, so I will probably cover those as well.
That really just leaves the “other expenses” and that is where I am really debating whether I should expect him to bear the responsibility.
I see nothing wrong with supplant S2’s costs. What if it were flipped around? S1 had a need for $3K of dorm equipment. You could afford it so you gave it to him each year. Around comes S2 and his whole ride is paid for. Would you bill S1 for the $3K?
For you situation, ask S2 about his willingness to work a few hours per week. I worked every semester I was at my Ivy b/c I simply couldn’t ask mom/dad for spending money (beer, food, stupid stuff). But that’s an internal family discussion that you’re free to have.
My D2 had to take loans because of the college she chose. She could have had a full tuition scholarship (like her sister) so when she decided to attend a school with less merit $ it was part of the deal. Your position is more finely honed. I might just pony up the $ since it seems the offers were fairly comparable, more different in the details.
we will have two in college next year. It turns out that both will have similar costs that we will pay.
But before we knew that, we were like you; trying to figure out fairness in it all. We came to no complete decision; but we do think that: It is our FAMILY"S money we are spending, so any scholarship helps the whole family; **We want to provide similar experiences for each kid (basically living away from home); * Each kid doesnt need to know what we spend on the other kid; ****they each will have some “skin in the game” by using their own spending money for things; and starting junior year they’ll each chip in several more thousand for housing costs as well. We want each kid to work as hard as they can; it grades drop they can come back home and go locally.
I suppose there’s a line in monetary fairness; we finally drew it around a $10K difference per year; but now thankfully it’s similar for the first two kids. good luck with your decisions. we have two more to go!
Life isn’t always fair. In the end, college costs were different for my 2 children but we covered what they couldn’t. Kids always worked in the summers and both did paid internships. We paid what was left over and they left without loans. The cost wasn’t the same but the end result was.
To be fair, one kid was a better student than the other and costs were considerable for each. So the costs for the better student was less but (she) had more personal expenses.
You might make a distinction between the two if you want, maybe one you can pay their start up costs after graduation and not the other. Depending on what your circumstances are.
It may not work for nations but for our family we’ve always followed the communist model of “To each according to his needs, from each according to his abilities” In other words we make our kids experiences the same to the extent we can. Even if that means we spend more on one than the other. That’s how I was raised, That’s how my husband was raised.
@ErinsDad You make a good point. I should have mentioned that S2 ended up picking the school on his list with the lowest parent EFC. If he had picked one of the more expensive options the loan probably would have been on the table.
@T26E4 LOL, that is a great way to look at it! I addressed that a bit in my second post concerning the dorm costs/computer/transportation/books. I am honestly not sure if I would have provided S1 with an additional allowance though.
I have read the dozens of threads on the topic of allowances that pop up every year and I think I lean toward the side of kids coming up with their own spending money through summer earnings/campus jobs and learning to tailor spending habits according to the number of hours they are willing to commit.
Perhaps S1’s spending money is a luxury he has “earned,” and S2 will have to earn his the old fashioned way!
@maya54 “To each according to his needs, from each according to his abilities”
@deb922 " To be fair, one kid was a better student than the other"
This is an important distinction. Granted S1 worked much harder, but even if S2 had put in the same effort he was never going to get into one of the few schools with a no loan policy, or land the national scholarships that S1 won.
You are fortunate because your total bill seems low for two students.
You'll never normalize nor do I think that should be a goal. Do what you can for each.
If you really want to do something for S1, then give him the amount you pay for S2 to go to grad school. Don't penalize S2 who doesn't seem to be a bad student. Maybe .1% nationally are in S1's position.
I believe in equal opportunity for my kids, even if the price is not the same. So, both got to go to her college of choice. I never compared the price. One went onto four years of grad school which we paid and the other had gotten a terminal professional undergrad degree and so didn’t opt for grad school. Thus I paid a lot more for the kid who went to grad school but both had equal opportunities to get the educations they were seeking.
I think you are feeling the tension between equality and equity. I feel it as my D1 received huge benefits from her college, and D2 isn’t likely to have the same experience. I couldn’t create an equal experience (money, institutional support, etc), but I hope both girls have equitable experiences (if I can scrape up the money and opportunities).
@mamalion We are going to certainly encounter some of those issues and I will have address them as they come. S1’s school has funding for everything you can think of and he encountered no unexpected expenses this year. Even though S2’s school has a higher COA(63k DIRECT costs?!) they nickel and dime like an underfunded state directional.
“should I? Should I be equalizing their college experiences?”
Absolutely ! why would you even question doing so, especially if you can afford it??
I dont get your thinking…
@menloparkmom “why would you even question doing so, especially if you can afford it??”
There is certainly a contingent of parents on here that think their kids should absolutely take out loans, work during summers to pay for books and living expenses-even to pay part of the parent EFC , as well as work during the school term. So, I don’t think my question is too far off in left field. However I have stated that I don’t necessarily agree with that line of thinking. It is more of a matter of where to draw the line. Since S1 was able to buy a top of the line Mac, should S2 have the same? Or should S2 get a spending limit that I feel is reasonable? Since S1 gets to travel and buy luxury items with his summer earnings and doesn’t have to work during the school year, should I give S2 an allowance so he is able to do the same? My question is more nuanced than you are assuming.
My kids have been out of college for a while, but I’m still uncomfortable about the unfairness of what we spent on their college expenses.
We’re full pay, and there were no loans involved. But our son attended our state university, which was much less expensive than the private university our daughter chose. Part of me feels that we should make up the difference in cost in some way – although my son himself doesn’t seem to feel that he was cheated.
@marian The important point is that your son doesn’t feel “cheated” which is my biggest concern. S2 already feels that S1 has golden child status and is favored due to his accomplishments. I am cautious about perpetuating that resentment into adulthood.
