According to my college’s website, “gender neutral housing is an environment where student housing is not restricted to traditional limitations of the gender binary. Students may be assigned a roommate of any gender, and will not be asked by The Office of Residence Life to identify their own gender during the placement process.” I’m very interested in living in this atmosphere simply because I’m tired of my gender defining every aspect of my life. My gender tells me what jobs I should look at, what (and who) I should be interested in, etc. In all honesty, I’m so over it.
I am a bisexual biological male who identifies as such.
If it was up to me, I would sign up for gender neutral housing in a heartbeat. I think it’d be great for me as I’d meet other people who share similar mindsets and to make a very diverse group of friends. My conservative Catholic parents however are very opposed to the idea. My mom nearly threw up when I told her I wanted to do gender neutral housing (I know, it’s rather pathetic.) They both said no and that they would be a lot more comfortable if I had a male roommate. I told them that I may still end up with a biologically male roommate since the process is gender blind, but they wouldn’t hear it.
I’m wondering how I should approach my parents on the topic? Do I need to come out to them as bisexual while doing so?
I suggest you start off slower, by having a traditional freshman dorm.
What are the choices for freshmen?
It may be too big of a transition, just having you go off to college, besides telling your parents that you want to live in something very new & scary to them.
While I understand that you would like your parents to be supportive of your sexual orientation, there probably won’t be any pressing need to come out to them before you have a serious sig other.
I don’t know what your parents are fearing. Are they thinking that you’re going to “jump in the sack” with your roommate? lol…that’s not likely. At least it’s not any more likely than you jumping in the sack with someone in a dorm down the hall.
This Catholic mom sees nothing wrong with what you want to do. See if your mom will PM me and chat about her concerns.
If you’re really tired of it and absolutely MUST live in the gender neutral dorms, then it’s probably time to come out and have that talk with your parents before you go away. If you can get by with it another year until you can get to school, get a year older and engineer a living situation while you’re there then just let it go for now.
I don’t think it’s “pathetic” that your mom would feel that way. Most parents would not feel comfortable with their child being in close quarters with someone of the opposite sex. Parents don’t want their kids being promiscuous and rooming with a person of the opposite sex would lead to that in many cases.
Coming out as bisexual while doing this would make everything worse.
^Aren’t the majority of college living situations coed, with coed bathrooms? Students are going to be in close quarters with the opposite sex anyway. I don’t think it leads to promiscuity. If anything, my experiences have been that you develop sibling like bonds with most folks you live with/in proximity with, rather than romantic feelings.
That’s different than living and sharing a dorm with someone of a difference sex. Most are coed by floor or the floors are split in half. But it’s not common to find undergraduate housing where dorms are boy/girl/boy/girl.
People can be plenty promiscuous while living in single-sex dorm rooms. I mean, gender neutral dorms are a relatively new thing. College students managed to have plenty of sex for years without such housing arrangements.
Maybe I’m used to arrangements at LACs or in the north, but I am familiar with the b/g/b/g arrangement with coed bathrooms. Lived in the same myself 30 years ago so nothing new. And, respectfully, I guess I have a different opinion on living with someone of the opposite gender. Both my kids have tons of opposite sex friends, and experience living with them. There’s either an attraction or there is not. Putting two people into a living situation doesn’t lead to sparks just because they have different genitalia. If things are going to happen, they will - regardless of walls, floors, or buildings.
@thumper1 I identify as male and I am bisexual, I just don’t like how these things sometimes define others perceptions of me or what opportunities are available to me. Everyone identifies as something, even if it is that they don’t identify with any gender. Does that make sense?
I also don’t know if I clarified, but I’m not against having a male roommate or anything like that. I’m fine with anyone of any orientation so long as we get along. I’d just prefer to live in an environment that looks past the limitations that gender imposes (aka I’m looking for the possibility of biologically male-biologically female room pairings.) The person I shadowed when I visited lived in gender neutral housing as a freshman and absolutely loved it, so I thought it might also be a good fit for me.
You have all brought up some great points that I will bring up in a civilized conversation with my parents.
In no way are you obligated to tell them your sexuality- especially if you feel that it might put you in physical, emotional, or financial danger.
I am completely in favor of gender neutral housing but if your parents are paying and clearly had a strong reaction to the idea, you need to think very long and hard about whether or not this is the issue you want to press.
OTOH, if they’re not helping you financially then go for whatever you want IMO.
@CaliCash, what you’re saying makes no sense. Just because someone of the opposite sex is in the room doesn’t mean that a straight (or bisexual) person is going to hop on top of them-just how having a same sex roommate doesn’t mean a gay (or bisexual) person is going to immediately get into bed with them. It’s all about the individuals.
OP, I’d have a serious discussion with your parents about this and see if you can make any headway. If not, pick a different dorm and look for on campus LGBTQIA centers/events. That way you can get some support and a little bit of the support you’re looking for in a different way
I completely agree with @doschicos. Back in the dark ages my dorm had interspersed male and female rooms and coed bathrooms. Only 1 couple came out of it, there were no hookups and most of us had a very sibling-like relationship.
There are quite a few schools with gender neutral housing, which allows for roommate matching regardless of identification or attributes.
But my question is, what makes that more attractive than a co-Ed dorm, with coed bathrooms but roommates assigned by sex?
I think by assuming that your dorm mates, will automatically have a perception of you that you will disagree with, is rather narrow minded.
Just because someone choose to live in a traditional dorm, has little to do with how they expect others to conduct their lives.
While your parents are not as open minded as you would like, I think you may find that many of your peers, are.
With something like this it is important to consider your parents’ styles and the financial angle to be sure that you son’t put the whole enterprise in jeopardy. They may respond how you want them to - I like to think that we did when our daughter came out freshman year - but you never know. In a way it could be nice to go away and settle into your “identity” publicly but without the added angle of the parental thing at first. If they are apoplectic about the idea of their straight son rooming with a girl the alternative might be a bridge to far for now.
On the other hand it does sound like a great fit if you are able to frame it in a way that they will accept for now.
As someone who prefers gender neutral housing, my response to this would be: why not? I don’t care who I live with so why not do gender-neutral housing?
ETA: Btw, I am marrying a dormmate so sometimes dorm-cest does work. I wouldn’t necessarily recommend it though as break-ups can be messy (side convo in response to what was going on above).
As long as you keep any a-holes out, I think mixed gender housing can be the best scenario. Much more civilized, the genders balance one another out behavior-wise in a way that single sex living doesn’t. I’ve always thought the solution to many greek life issues would be to make them coed.
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Perhaps in the future this is the type of thing to just do and not mention to your parents.
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I agree. why even tell them now? I realize that you’ve already told them, but as someone who is entering adulthood, you need to learn that you don’t need to tell your parents everything (and frankly, we don’t really want to know everything…lol)