Correct my essay! Prompt: Do we put too much emphasis on independence?

Hey guys. Please read my essay and score it.
Prompt:
“Independence? That’s middle class blasphemy. We are all dependent on one another, every soul of us on earth.” Bernard Shaw expected to provoke controversy with these words, but I would agree with him that these days there is too much emphasis on independence. While it is certainly true that excessive dependence on others is not a sign of maturity, total independence of others is neither attainable nor desirable: we need to be mature, and unselfish enough to recognize our interdependence.
Assignment:
Do we put too much emphasis on self-reliance and independence, and are we afraid of admitting that we need other people in our lives? Plan your response, and then write an essay…

Interdependence is a very important aspect of human societies that manifests itself in social situations and professional atmospheres alike. It’s perhaps the fact that we as human beings and social creatures crave company. But also because a group of people working individually is simply not as effective as the same people cooperating.

Consider the case of the character Mariam from ‘A Thousand Splendid Suns’ by Khaled Hosseini set in Kabul, Afghanistan. She is the sole wife of the abusive and explosive man, Rasheed, and although she resents living her life with him, she becomes very jealous when he marries a second wife, Laila. Mariam insists on ignoring her completely and will not let Laila work with her or talk to her. Later on, when, Mariam finally accepts Laila’s friendship and becomes much happier for she finally has a friend to talk to as well as a fellow helper to make work light. From her life, one can see that people should swallow their egos and accept their need for companionship and aid.

The war between Tippu Sultan, the king of Mysore, India, in the 1700s and the British also shows the importance of working together. Tippu was fighting the Britishers’ attempts to colonize Mysore with the help of the French army. The combined forces of the Mysore and French army were very powerful and it was axiomatic that they would win. However, at the eleventh hour, the French army betrayed Tippu and withdrew their support. Without their help, Tippu did not stand a chance and despite fighting valiantly, he lost Mysore and was killed. His example shows disadvantage that presents itself when people are devoid of help. People only become stronger when they come together and are left weak when alone.

Collaborating also has its benefits in a business context. Take Steve Jobs, for instance. Although he preferred working alone as his famous introverted personality shows, he knew he needed help from others to really make a change in the world. In my opinion, none of his businesses would have been as successful if he did not expand his companies to the extent to which he did, pulling in more and more employees to make them stronger.

The necessity of working together and cooperating cannot be overstated as it is one of the most integral necessities in our society. From the example of Mariam, one can see the power of companionship. The war in Mysore and the French’s betrayal of Tippu Sultan’s is also indicative of the fact that people become much weaker without help and support from others. People need friends and partners to be successful and happy in life.

I would really appreciate some help! Anyone?

Use better vocab!

hardwork213: Thanks for the input! Do you mean don’t reuse words or just use like more esoteric words. haha