Grade my essay please?

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
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Hello! I’m preparing for SAT on my own and I don’t have anyone to grade my essays :frowning:
I’ll be extremely thankful if you could spare your precious time to give it a look and grade it!
I’m willing to accept any kind of comment! Every single one would be a great help to me. Thank you :slight_smile:

Question: Do we put too much emphasis on self reliance and independence and are we afraid of admitting that we need other people in our lives?

In our society today, excessive emphasis is put on self reliance and independence. Children are taught to stand on their own feet since a very young age, by methods like doing things without their mothers. As a result, asking for help from others became something shameful, an act of acknowledging ones weakness, and thus many people are scared to do so. However, I don’t think this a right thing to do.

I have a friend, who have suffered from sever depression few years back. After the death of her parents from an unfortunate accident, she has gone through serious emotional distress, until she thought of taking her own life every single day. However, she thought that she could overcome her depression by herself and chose to act bright and normal in front of everyone, which was a very wrong thing to do. One day, she finally gave up to her pains and broke down into tears in front of me. Immediately I offered her to stay with me in my house for some time and signed her up for a psychiatrist for meetings. Thankfully, after years of emotional hardships she overcame her depression. Often she thanks me for pulling her out of the darkness, saying that she could never have done it by herself.

Fortunately my friend told me about her pain so that I could help her out. When my friend was still depressed, I took a day out to meet the psychiatrist who is in charge of my friend so that I could discuss with him about her and her conditions. Upon meeting him, he complimented me for providing prompt aid to my friend, and told me she might have chosen the worst if it weren’t for me. He also added that opening up is one of the best way to cure depression, as although people suffering from it deny, warm words and attention from people around them is what they need the most. That was how I came to realize some things in our lives can’t be done on our own, we need help from others too.

Humans are no robots. We are indeed very social animals, and we need others in our lives. Of course self reliance and independence are a virtue and we should practice it by doing what we can on our own, but if things are too difficult, we should not be afraid to ask help from other people in our lives.

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Thesis: 3 Very weak. “I think” is not good. Plus, you need to simply state your opinion, instead of referring to something you already wrote. Make sure the thesis can stand by itself.

Organization: 3 You need transitions between paragraphs, and ideally 5 paragraphs.

Grammar: 4 A few minor mistakes that you need to fix.

Diction: 4 Not bad not exceptional.

Supporting Details: 3. You have one example. The first and second body paragraphs are one example, so they should be one paragraph. You need to be less wordy in that example. Your entire second body paragraph can be cut down to 2 sentences.

I can also see how perhaps you are trying to tell a different example in that second body paragraph. However, it’s too weak, and you’re not getting it across to the reader. Also, if that is indeed a different example, you need a concluding sentence that ties your first example back to your thesis clearly.

That’s a 6-7/12.

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Alright. I’ll try to improve on that next time. Thank you so much!