Could someone grade my essay?? I need lots of feedback because I stink

<p>Hey, I stink at writing essays. (well im not that bad) I want a 11-12 on my next SAT (oct). So, the prompt was:</p>

<p>Is too much of an emphasis placed on winning? </p>

<p>Many people believe that finishing at the top is all that matters. Although winning is great because it adds a competitive edge, the competitiveness often gets out of hand. In people’s aspirations to the top, they often resort to Machiavellian end justifies the means tactics. The increase in steroid usage in baseball and cheating in school both epitomize the notion that too much of an emphasis is placed on winning, which detracts from the from the traditional good-hearted competition. </p>

<pre><code>In baseball, the recent controversy has been the widespread use of anabolic steroids and human growth hormone (HGH). Both of these performance enhancing drugs allow players to hit the ball up to 60% further or throw the ball 30% faster. Players clearly do this either to increase their personal statistics or to help their team win a championship. However, not only are these banned from baseball, but they are also very detrimental to a player’s health. By using these drugs, players are forgetting what baseball really is: a fun game that requires years of practice. Succumbing to the alluring of personal or team success has players obsessed with the idea of winning. Worst of all, baseball players do not realize that they are role models for many children, and these ruthless tactics to achieve success are not going unnoticed.

In addition, students, following the baseball paradigm, are also relying on Machiavellian tactics. In school, grade point average (GPA), tests scores, and activities seem like everything to a student and like the best prophecies of a student’s future success. In order to become valedictorian or school president, some students rely on cheating or lying. The outside pressure to be on top, like from their baseball role models, pushes students towards these unethical means. This emphasis on winning deters students from the purpose of school, learning.

Performance enhancing drugs in baseball and cheating in school epitomize the notion that winning can lead to Machiavellian tactics. People often forget the purpose of their tasks and become absorbed by the allure of winning. It seems that it is better to be an honest loser than a cheating winner, for one’s personal satisfaction.
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<p>Great essay!</p>

<p>10</p>

<p>Your first example is good, however, by providing a real example of a player (Bonds, McGuire) who has been affected by steroids may even further strengthen your argument.<br>
Your second example is relevant, however, is underdeveloped. For a student, activities, test scores, and GPA should take over a huge part of their lives. The second example isn't particularly convincing.</p>

<p>Well-structured, with a clean conclusion.
Personally, I think this prompt is difficult, particularly b/c it is hard to use literary or historical examples</p>

<p>only one person</p>

<p>9-10</p>

<p>The first example is really good. The second one, not so much. Try to use something more substanial to write about. I find at least one example from literature really gives an extra boost. Your writing is really good, however, and the essay is structured fairly well. Just work on finding better examples, and I think you'd be all set.</p>

<p>Something that I did that may help:
Make a list of a few books that you know very well that could go with almost any prompt. Try to pick something noteworthy and of good merit (ie you don't want to pick Harry Potter). Anyway, once you have those 4 or 5 books, you should be able to use at least one of them for any SAT prompt that you do. I made a mental list of a few books that I knew really well, and any practice test or real test that I took I just used one of these books. Each had such universal ideas/themes that they fit in just about any prompt.
Example: The Scarlet Letter. I swear I have used that for every damn essay that I've written for the collegeboard.</p>

<p>Hope that helped.</p>

<p>Agree, my list is:
Lord of the Flies by William Golding
Great Gatsby by Scott Fitzgerald
Siddhartha by Herman Hesse
Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
HuckFinn by Mark Twain
Fences by August Wilson</p>