Critique my essay

Colleges and Universities A-Z Massachusetts Institute of Technology
1

<p>This essay is for MIT question 1A. Describe a difficult situation in your life and how you reacted/responded. Any suggestions on improvement would be greatly appreciated. </p>

<p>Also, I would like suggestions on how to shorten my essay. Right now, it is 670 words, and I want to shorten it to 580 (the limit is 500, I know).</p>

<p>Thanks for the responses. Anyway, here it is, the origin of piman (and my essay):</p>

<p>__________Tight corner ahead. I lean left and apply the brakes just enough to make the turn. My friends, beside me, pedal furiously in an attempt to reach the bottom first. I know I can beat them. I pedal harder, but suddenly, I find myself unable to move. I look down, expecting to see my bike, but instead, I find a green stretcher. My head is caked in blood; my legs are covered in cuts and bruises. “You’re really lucky to be alive.” The words of the paramedic to my right.</p>

<p>__________What happened? Did I crash? An hour later, I got my answer. I had received a severe concussion, which explained the sudden jump in my memory. Apparently, my friends and I had decided to go rock climbing later that day. During the climb I slipped, leaving me to fall fifteen feet and roll thirty more down the side of the mountain. Fortunately, my plunge was broken when my body smashed into a stump. I’ve always been lucky like that. Unfortunately, because of my concussion, a neurosurgeon said I would suffer memory loss for the next nine months.</p>

<p>__________Most of my peers thought I was pretty lucky to get off with nothing more than a few cuts and a “bumped head,” but as a junior only a week into the school year, I felt anything but fortunate. My amnesia was so bad that I couldn’t even remember going to school the first week. I had trouble remembering what class I was in, or who my teachers were. At home, I couldn’t even recall where the dinner plates were kept. But I was determined to regain control over my life. I wouldn’t blindly accept the surgeon’s prognosis; I would turn it into a challenge. I vowed to regain my memory not in nine months, but in a mere three.</p>

<p>___________Of course, how to achieve this was an entirely different matter. How does one recall one’s memory? A seemingly paradoxical question. So, like any self-respecting nerd in times of trouble, I turned to math. My solution: a hobby taken up by geeks since the beginning of time. I would memorize the digits of pi. </p>

<p>___________At first, the going was relentlessly slow. I spent hours attempting to remember a cluster of just ten digits. 3.141592…nothing. My mind was blank. I would try again. Still nothing. For the moment, it seemed as if the surgeon might be right. </p>

<p>___________But my own doubt made me try even harder. Every second of my free time was devoted to pi. I stayed up late into the night, slowly reiterating the numbers that appeared on my electronic organizer. But the sleep deprivation was worth it. Within a few weeks’ time, I noticed a slight improvement. I could now memorize ten digits in single sitting, not phenomenal by any means, but a sure sign of progress. Bolstered by my meager success, I persisted in my routine. Weeks flew by. By the end of the first month, I had reached the 100-digit mark. I could sense my memory slowly returning. In school, I was less hesitant to ask a question, fearful that it had already been answered. I actually remembered all of my teachers’ names. I went even further. 200 digits. 300. No longer did I have to mutter things to myself to remember them. More importantly, though, I no longer forgot where the dinner plates were kept. I was on top of the world, and just in time. The three months were up.</p>

<p>___________I continued my memorization of pi for several more months. However, like most good things, excess breeds tedium. Somehow, when one knows 600+ digits of a number, one tends to lose interest in pursuing the number further. Simply put, I became bored with pi after memorizing 631 digits. But I know that memorizing pi has had a significant influence on my life, one that reaches beyond the regurgitation of a sequence of numbers. If nothing else, it has taught me that with enough time and effort, even a simple number can heal a battered brain."</p>

2

<p>I really liked it.</p>

<p>I thought it was entertaining and interesting. I also think it is fairly unique.</p>

<p>Maybe I'm just a moron, but I didn't realize that you forgot about the rock climbing incident until I re-scanned it. I thought you were in a biking accident the first time. But that could possible just be because I'm a terrible reader :)</p>

<p>Good luck with your application!</p>

3

<p>did you find any grammar mistakes. Also, how to shorten the essay? what parts can be left out. Ive also received suggestions to include my interests in number theory in my essay, but Im not sure if this would detract from the story line. Thanks!</p>

4

<p>I wonder if you might use a different word besides "reiterating"? How about ... "repeating" or "rereading" ...</p>

5

<p>it would be definitely a standing-out essay. i doubt many applicants would have this kinda life-and-death experience.</p>

<p>out of curiosity, what are you going to do with 580 words essay, if MIT set 500 word limit?
(or, can it be ignored to some point?)</p>

6

<p>Im hoping that theyre not going to count my essay word for word. And I read on an admission counselor's blog that 570-580 is reasonable, but anymore can get annoying. I would love more comments on grammar errors, hackneyed words (i know I used memory, memorize, etc. more than a few times), or anything that was unclear in the essay. Thanks a lot guys. I appreciate you taking the time to read my essay.</p>

<p>One more thing, did my essay hold your interest? Some CCers on the admissions board thought it was kind of boring, and suggested I revise the beginning and the part about my memorizing pi.</p>

<p>(Anyway, now you now where piman3141 comes from...)</p>

7

<p>That really is an excellent essay IMO. It is well-written, interesting, and unique. It is also very in-touch with the "self-respecting nerd[iness]" that makes MIT unique. I hope the adcom sees this as well. Best of luck!</p>

<p>As a side note, I recently learned that all of the keypads on campus can be unlocked with some series of consecutive digits of pi. ;)</p>

8

<p>
[quote]

As a side note, I recently learned that all of the keypads on campus can be unlocked with some series of consecutive digits of pi.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Um... pi is an infinite, nonrepeating number... All possible combinations of numberes exist in it, therefore naturally all the keypads on campus can be unlocked with some series of consecutive digits of pi. :)</p>

9

<p>emmittisgod, my thoughts exactly. I was about to post this, but you already took care of it. Thanks.</p>

10

<p>I am impressed. ;)</p>

11

<p>piman,
your essay kept my interest well... maybe i was just in a good mood? i wasn't looking for errors, but i didn't notice any obvious grammatical stuff...</p>

<p>i think it's a solid essay... i would try to incorporate your interest in number theory somehow. but i'm no college essay guru :) I see it as you telling about you and if number theory is part of you, go ahead and put it in there! ;) (I need to learn my smilies)</p>

12

<p>I really would appreciate a suggestion on how to shorten my essay by about 90 words. What passages are superfluous? Also, I dont know if I should include number theory for two reasons: (1) introducing it would be odd, and (2) im already way over the word limit.</p>

13

<p>OK, now I just need to shorten my essay, and I think Ill be done. I need to lose around 75 words to get my count to 625. Any grammatical suggestions are appreciated as well. btw, I decided not to include number theory or anything like that (i think it would seem out of place). Here's the slightly modified version:</p>

<p>____<strong><em>Tight corner ahead. I lean left and apply the brakes just enough to make the turn. My friends, beside me, pedal furiously in an attempt to reach the bottom first. I know I can beat them. I pedal harder, but suddenly, I find myself unable to move. I look down, expecting to see my bike. In its place, I find a green stretcher. My legs are covered in cuts and bruises; my head is caked in blood. “You’re really lucky to be alive.” The words of the paramedic on my right.
_</em></strong><strong><em>What happened? Did I crash? An hour later, I got my answer. I had received a severe concussion, but not while biking. Apparently, my friends and I decided to go rock climbing upon reaching the bottom of the mountain (I’m told I lost the race down). During the climb I slipped, leaving me to fall fifteen feet and roll thirty more down the side of the mountain. Fortunately, my plunge was broken when my body smashed into a stump. I’ve always been lucky like that. As a result, the neurosurgeon told me, I would suffer memory loss for the next nine months.
</em></strong><strong><em>My peers thought I was pretty lucky to get off with nothing more than a few cuts and a “bumped head,” but as a junior only a week into the school year, I felt anything but fortunate. I constantly forgot what class I was in. I couldn’t remember my teachers’ names. Even worse, I was horrified one night to learn that I didn’t even remember where the dinner plates were kept. I needed to regain control over my life. How? By turning the doctor’s prognosis into a challenge. I vowed to regain my memory not in nine months, but in a mere three.
_</em></strong><strong><em>Of course, how to achieve this was an entirely different matter. How does one recall one’s memory? A seemingly paradoxical question. So, like any self-respecting nerd in times of trouble, I turned to math. My solution: a hobby taken up by geeks since the Big Bang itself. I would memorize the digits of pi.
_</em></strong><strong><em>At first, the going was relentlessly slow. I spent hours attempting to remember a cluster of just ten digits. Three-point-one-four-one-five-nine-two…nothing. My mind went blank. I would try again. Still nothing. For the moment, it seemed as if the doctor would be right after all.<br>
_</em></strong><strong><em>But my own doubt made me try even harder. Every second of my free time was devoted to pi, essentially isolating me from the outside world. I stayed up late into the night, slowly repeating the numbers that appeared on my electronic organizer. I’d wake up early the next morning, fearful that I had forgotten the previous night’s work. But in the end, the sleep deprivation was worth it. Within a few weeks’ time, I noticed a slight improvement. I could now memorize ten digits in single sitting, not phenomenal by any means, but a sure sign of progress. Bolstered by my meager success, I persisted in my routine. The weeks flew by. At the end of the first month, I reached the 100-digit mark. I could sense my memory slowly returning. In school, I was less hesitant to ask a question, fearful that it had already been answered. I could actually remember the names of all my teachers. But I wasn’t finished yet. 200 digits. 300. 400. My friends thought I was crazy, but I knew better. No longer did I have to mutter things to myself to remember them. More importantly, though, I now remembered where the dinner plates were kept. I was on top of the world, and just in time. The three months were up.
_</em></strong>_____I continued my memorization of pi for several more weeks. However, like most good things, excess breeds tedium. Somehow, when one knows 600+ digits of a number, one tends to lose interest in pursuing the number further. Simply put, I became bored with pi after memorizing 631 digits. But I know that memorizing pi has had a significant influence on my life, one that reaches beyond the regurgitation of a sequence of numbers. If nothing else, it has taught me that with enough time and effort, even a simple number can heal a battered brain.</p>

<p>Thanks a lot everyone for the help. What would I ever do without you? Cheers.</p>

14

<p>Anyone?!??</p>

15

<p>I liked it. Well done.</p>

<p>One suggestion though: change the "three-point-one-four-one-five-nine-two" back to what it was.</p>

16

<p>nice essay! and really unique too! I thought my own essay sounded like crap after reading yours, which had such a major and profound event!</p>

<p>I suppose you could further shorten it by taking out the following part, since it's more or less a repetition of the few sentences clustered in the conclusion:</p>

<p>"Somehow, when one knows 600+ digits of a number, one tends to lose interest in pursuing the number further. Simply put, "</p>

<p>and perhaps replace the "simply put" with "eventually"? What do you think?</p>

<p>but otherwise, i think the writing's perfect=)</p>

17

<p>2 words,
you rock.</p>

18

<p>Your essay is great! I don't think MIT will care about the word limit after reading it. It's engaging, entertaining, and insightful. Just go ahead and submit it as it is.</p>

19

<p>Nice essay. No need to include anything like your interest in number theory here, it sounds like you're being too academically oriented, there's place for that elsewhere in the application. Just be unique.</p>

<p>Also, the first paragraph can definitely be shortened, to just a couple of short sentences. It sort of threw me, and its sort of overwritten and somewhat too dramatic.</p>

<p>Definitely get rid of these lines:
"My friends, beside me, pedal furiously in an attempt to reach the bottom first. I know I can beat them."
What do they add?</p>

<p>For what it's worth, IGTMIT</p>