Critique My Essay!!!

Chance Me / Match Me!
1

<p>Okie dokie.....here's one of my college admission essays. Please critique it as much as your heart desires. </p>

<pre><code> During my year in India, I spent ample time on the beach. I bodysurfed the white waves of Kerala. I sunbathed on the tourist-riddled beaches of Goa. I swam in the shadow of the great Shore Temple of Mahabalipuram. Indian beaches are among the liveliest and most beautiful places on earth. Men swam and cavorted past the breakers, shouting with childlike glee. Women, like peacocks in their multicolored saris, waded hesitantly in the tepid shallows. Children ran and shrieked and flew the bright, tinfoil kites that dominated the sky. Vendors hawked ice cream and paan, peanuts and pani puri. Every beach was ablaze with color, music, and movement, and I drank it in like the heady substance it was. At least I did until I went to Velankanni after the tsunami.
The beach at Velankanni was the antithesis of the others. Under a weary grey sky the harsh waves pounded the shore. Rubble surrounded us and the cruel wind wailed in our ears. I stood silently amongst my classmates, unable to comprehend the tragedy before me. It was early January, scarcely three weeks after the tsunami struck the southern coast of India, taking with it thousands of lives. Along with twenty nine of my fellow classmates, I left school for a few days to assist with the tsunami relief efforts in the coastal towns of Velankanni and Nagapattinam. No one was prepared for the devastation that awaited us. Even homes that were over a half mile from the shore were completely demolished. Women mourned openly in the streets and frantic Red Cross volunteers raced among the mobile clinics that dotted the town. Photographs of the dead that were taped haphazardly to the wall of the church drove many in my party to tears. But I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t believe it. As a girl who has lived a relatively comfortable and privileged life, I had never encountered such devastation face to face. What I saw simply didn’t register; I couldn’t comprehend the enormity of the tragedy.
Over the next few days, my classmates and I constructed thirty six temporary shelters for victims of the tsunami. It was literally the most physically demanding work I have ever done, and sheer exhaustion left me drained of the emotion that such a situation tends to excite. All day long we hauled, lifted, hammered, and sawed, pausing only briefly for a quick lunch of rice and lentils. By the end of the trip, we all suffered from bruises, scrapes, crushed thumbs, and burned shoulders. It was frustrating work. Aside from the minor injuries, our work was afflicted with nails that bent, planks full of knots, plywood that broke, and bricks that crumbled. On the last day, we worked until after sunset to finish the project. Everyone was tired and exasperated and above all, hungry. And of course, the bus wouldn’t start.
</code></pre>

<p>While we waited, growing ever more restless, the first of the tenants began to arrive. They were ragged, penniless, and haunted by the memories of the loved ones they had lost. Our suffering was a far cry from theirs. Yet when they saw the shelters we had built, the expressions on their faces radiated the deepest joy I have ever seen. A little girl – not more than four or five – shook my hand and gave me a brilliant smile. I melted in an instant. Before we left, we stopped one last time at the beach. On the ground I saw a small, plastic bracelet, one that had probably belonged to a child whose life had been claimed by the tsunami. I thought immediately of the little girl, who, in what were probably the darkest hours of her life, still had the courage to smile. Tears welled up in my eyes. Finally, in some small way, I could comprehend the magnitude of that great tragedy.
The impression that this experience left upon me will remain forever. Catastrophe is no longer abstract or unreal for me; I have stared it in the face and witnessed its effects. Six months and ten thousand miles away from Velankanni, I am still haunted by my memories.</p>

<p>What do you think? Too melodramatic?</p>

2

<p>You should be careful that you don't sound too priveledged or spoiled - you aren't, but someone might read that the wrong way. Michele Hernandez writes about how many adcoms have biases against what they think are well off students, and you start the essay sounding like you're the stereotypical 'spoiled american' having fun in the sun.</p>

<p>I still think its good, but you should work on that aspect. Also, try to incorporate more positive aspects about your character into the essay.</p>

<p>Also, you do a lot of 'telling' in the essay, but you don't really show whats going on. (Ahh, those college guide books have completed affected my thinking) I would completely scrap the essay, but keep the theme but use a central moment from the trip and describe it. It could be a conversation you had with someone while working on the reconstruction, or something like that. As it is right now, it sounds like a report about a vacation gone wrong.
Good luck!</p>

3

<p>I agree. In the beginning it sounds like you are bragging.</p>

4

<p>I also think that you should change the beginning. </p>

<p>How about painting the picture of the beach. You did a nice job describing the people around the beach. You do not need to say that you were surfing on it. </p>

<p>Then transition to after the Tsunami--what you did, how you felt and what you got out of the experience.</p>

<p>You have a great experience to write about. Good luck.</p>

5

<p>Oh phooey...I was just trying to put in a little contrast.</p>

6

<p>Well, a beginning is so important, and if you start an adcom off on the wrong foot, they're not going to have the time to look for redeeming qualities.</p>

7

<p>Well, if you do want to keep this essay, I'll just toss in some lines that you should either take out or reconsider. I am specifically concerned about the tone, which is what, urm, "makes, or breaks" this essay. Do what you want with my suggestions-</p>

<p>"During my year in India, I spent ample time on the beach. I bodysurfed the white waves of Kerala. I sunbathed on the tourist-riddled beaches of Goa. I swam in the shadow of the great Shore Temple of Mahabalipuram."- As many have said, just take this out. It does not bode well for the Admissions' first impression of you.</p>

<p>"I stood silently amongst my classmates, unable to comprehend the tragedy before me. It was early January, scarcely three weeks after the tsunami struck the southern coast of India, taking with it thousands of lives."- consider taking the reference "scarcely three weeks after the tsunami" out, because it speaks to the fact that it took you guys three weeks to understand that a tsunami had taken place. You can change the phrase to "shortly."</p>

<p>"Along with twenty nine of my fellow classmates, I left school for a few days to assist with the tsunami relief efforts in the coastal towns of Velankanni and Nagapattinam."- consider taking out the words "for a few days," since it sounds more of a set and defined activity (a field trip, perhaps?) rather than a genuine effort to help.</p>

<p>"As a girl who has lived a relatively comfortable and privileged life, I had never encountered such devastation face to face. What I saw simply didn’t register; I couldn’t comprehend the enormity of the tragedy."- DO NOT tell your reader that you've led a "relatively comfortable and privileged life."</p>

<p>"It was literally the most physically demanding work I have ever done, and sheer exhaustion left me drained of the emotion that such a situation tends to excite. All day long we hauled, lifted, hammered, and sawed, pausing only briefly for a quick lunch of rice and lentils. By the end of the trip, we all suffered from bruises, scrapes, crushed thumbs, and burned shoulders. It was frustrating work."- I know you did a whole "BUT" thing later, but it seems that you're glorifying your work especially if this is what you still recall- in these terms- of what you had done after the tsunami. </p>

<p>"Everyone was tired and exasperated and above all, hungry. And of course, the bus wouldn’t start. "- The millions who had their homes washed away were hungry, too, so you should take this out. And take out the bus thing; it doesn't belong in this type of essay.</p>

<p>"Yet when they saw the shelters we had built, the expressions on their faces radiated the deepest joy I have ever seen."- Do not describe the "joy," show it.</p>

<p>"On the ground I saw a small, plastic bracelet, one that had probably belonged to a child whose life had been claimed by the tsunami."- The mere fact that you found a bracelet on the ground without its owner is an implicit reference to the possibility that it might've been from someone who was lost in the tsunami- this is a specific example of you telling us something rather than showing us (as you've done, but diluted its impact with the latter part of that sentence).</p>

<p>"I thought immediately of the little girl, who, in what were probably the darkest hours of her life, still had the courage to smile. Tears welled up in my eyes. Finally, in some small way, I could comprehend the magnitude of that great tragedy."- You shouldn't be telling us that you teared up. Anybody in that situation would probably cry, too! At this point, the Admissions Official should be crying, but you've again pointed out this fact rather than relying on the strength of your words to create that necessary mood (which you've managed to do!).</p>

<p>"Catastrophe is no longer abstract or unreal for me; I have stared it in the face and witnessed its effects."- This is too dramatic, though mentioning that it is no longer "abstract" is good, but keep out "unreal" (<-- did you not think such things existed before?).</p>

<p>"Six months and ten thousand miles away from Velankanni, I am still haunted by my memories." Again, you've said too much. Your vivid descriptions should be enough to show how strong and meaningful the experience was and you should not be "haunted" by it- your essay should convey the feeling that you've taken something positive (even through so much horror and sadness) from your experiences.</p>

<p>I think that's about it. As is, it's a decent essay and definitely something to work with. Don't get me wrong with all the "corrections" and stuff... best of luck,</p>

<p>TTG</p>

8

<p>i liked it, and i liked the beginning transition (as you did) lol. However im gonna agree its alot of story telling (even though a great story), i didnt read too much of how it changed u as a person, or its impact on you. You had a sentence or two in the conclusion about its impact on you, i think you should elaborate on that more. Anyone agree?</p>

<p>Really good topic though</p>

9

<p>Ok.....can someone show me an example of a really good essay?</p>

10

<p>It's very difficult to find what you call a "really good essay." A really good essay, in terms of its effectiveness on the college application, is much different in terms of one merely well-thought out or well-executed. Without one's application, teacher's recommendation, counselor recommendation, etc alongside an essay, it's difficult to give you an example of how an essay should be. What your essay should do is show your personality, however, this should corroborate with what your teachers are talking about you. You should make references to activities or an activity in which you participated, and this is after your reader has scanned your list of extracurriculars throughout high school. A personal statement, essentially, ties in all parts of your application and gives a holistic view of yourself. I'm more than willing to show you my essay from last year, unfortunately, I'd have to describe my circumstances to you for you to grasp all of my intentions as I approached the essay. I said everything that I wanted to say, and I believe I said everything that the colleges wanted to hear in 500 words. As an essay by itself, it's good, I suppose. But as a personal statement, it's way above par. This is what you need to shoot for. Oh, you shouldn't look for definitions of a really good, essay; you should write it and find out yourself. If you want a jumping point, my credo for college apps has always been "Show curiosity, show maturity, show humility." Best of luck,</p>

<p>TTG</p>