Please rate this unofficial essay!

<p>It was the hot, sticky summer of 1993. The heat took its inevitable toll on me as my vision blurred, beads of sweat rolled down my forehead with frenzied rage, and I began to feel excruciatingly nauseous. I continued straddling with great reluctance through the hapless journey through the murky, festering, and dust sheltered streets of Stockholm, Sweden, no doubt thinking keenly and maybe even hallucinating, which would have been surprising in the face of the sweltering heat, of a nice cold strawberry ice-cream cone, my favourite food at the time. Although having lived for only four short years in this world, at the time, I felt like my life had already spanned decades, centuries, and even millennia. </p>

<p>The winding streets, which were cloistered by very baroque or classical European styled, and artistically gilded buildings, restaurants, and houses eventually came to an eventual halt much to my relief. I can breathe again was my first thought. My second thought was to find a nice cozy restaurant to satisfy my appetite, which could be compared to a bottomless pit. However, my parents did not lead me to any restaurants; instead I was met with a sight that could not be more different. I was at a dock. It was not the first time I had seen a sea, or a peninsula, or an ocean even for that matter. Yet, something about that dock entranced and beguiled every part of my conscious existence. It was the Stockholm Archipelago and it was one of the wondrous sights I had ever set eyes on.</p>

<p>The water sparkled as the afternoon sun reflected on its glittering surface. Beyond the dock, I sighted water beetles kicking their legs frantically, their wings iridescent from the sun’s rays. The waves rose and fell gracefully as if with a predetermined rhythm, giving way to the gentle breeze. The waterfront was alive. It was filled with boats, ferries and even yachts of all sizes. I remember laughing as I watched a few people, no doubt girls, screaming as they sped across the water on their sailboats. I also saw what appeared to be specks of islands dotting the water. As I continued to gaze down the horizon where the water and the crisp blue cloudless sky seemed to become one, I was filled with a sense of wondrous amazement, and most of all uncanny curiosity. I immediately knew what I had to do. I had to go on one of the tourist boats and sail towards that horizon.</p>

<p>My parents were uncommonly quick to agree to fulfill my request without the necessity of the usual tantrums. I felt a rush of adrenalin as I stepped on board the dust imprinted dirty floor of the boat, I forget its name. I looked eagerly out the window and felt that clean, sweet air again. I was ready to have the experience of a lifetime as I imagined the wonder of seeing beautiful nature, rich wildlife, and the excitement of crossing fjords, channels and straits. In fact, I was sure that what I was about to see something that was going to be better than the Seven Wonders of the World. After all, I had thought, the Seven Wonders were but giant cavities in the ground, triangular blocks of sand, stone pillars in a circle that reflect the moon or something, and a great big oddly shaped rock. In addition, I was certain it was going to better than even landing on the moon and summitting. After all, what was the moon but vast emptiness with not even a speck of extraterrestrial life, and what was Everest but a mountain of frozen wasteland? </p>

<p>Nothing could have prepared me for what happened next. No, the trip was not horrible and a colossal waste of money, nor was it so fantastical it seemed like Utopia. The truth was I never got to explore the Archipelago, because I fell asleep in less than ten minutes after boarding the boat. I only woke up after the two hour tour was finished. At the time, the disappointment level was low, but today it is at a dangerous degree. It was not that the occurrence on the boat had not happened before. In fact, I should not have been surprised, as I had avoided the sea, the main attraction, in Spain, closed my eyes during a tour of the castle in Denmark where Hamlet was shot, and yawned while in the West Minster Cathedral in the past. Yet that incident in the boat is the most traumatic incident for me today because I had been so exited to explore the Archipelago and wasted that invaluable chance. In some ways, it was the first time I had felt disappointment although not much of it. It has made me so hate the ignorance, and stupidity which had infested me back then that I sometimes wonder whether I’m even rid of it today. Actually I know the answer to that question, it is still in me. I know because I did nothing but complain about how ugly Banff National Park was, and how plain and conventional I thought the West Edmonton Mall was. However, I have learned from all this am ready to change. I am fully aware of my goals in life and am definitely not going to waste opportunities in life anymore. One of my main goals is to be as optimistic as possible, to see the chance in every opportunity, not the difficulties, and to always appreciate what I have.</p>

<p>This isn't anything official, but please rate it. is this sort of what Harvard is looking for?</p>

<p>I skimmed through, and the entire thing seems a bit clunky to me. Try to express yourself using less words--use more elegant grammatical constructions.</p>

<p>So Hamlet was shot was he? Darn it, I must have missed that Act of the play! Silly me . . . </p>

<p>The end is a moral-of-the-story conclusion and is corny. It also happened a long time ago. And also work on some language issues, such as the first sentence of the second paragraph and the second sentence of the fourth paragraph. It's fine to not use perfect grammar sometimes, but there should be a good reason. But they seem to me just like little things you missed and didn't intend. Sometimes the description is a little over the top and even unnecessary to the point of boring or frustrating your potential application reader.</p>

<p>In describing what your real interests are or what your personality is like, it doesn't go very far. It doesn't show how you are really fun or interesting to be around, but just that you've reached the same conclusions on missed opportunities that so many other people also have. And it seems to me like you've had some extraordinary opportunities, too.</p>

<p>But you're starting this whole process early. That's good. Just try lots of things and see what you like. When I was doing my essays, I thought back on the tone of the writing I did for fun in the past. I was trying to use the tone of my thoughts and the tone I use with my friends, and it helped me to stop being so formal and unexciting.</p>

<p>well this was like an old sophomore school assignment on worst decisions ever. The teacher asked for two freakened pages, so I added loads of **** to make it the required length. This isn't close to what I will write for Harvard. Thanks though. Btw, what's this with Hamlet being shot? He was stabbed!</p>

<p>I know he was stabbed! With a poisoned sword! I was wondering why you wrote shot! Haha, but I'm glad you know about Hamlet. I was wondering. . . But proofread your real essay a lot, because I just noticed some more grammar things in this essay, little accidents probably.</p>

<p>me? Oh, I actually meant the movie being filmed there. How stupid of me, it was like midnight, so I guess I wasn't thinking straight.</p>

<p>I was going to post my suggestions until you wrote:</p>

<p>
[quote]
well this was like an old sophomore school assignment on worst decisions ever. The teacher asked for two freakened pages, so I added loads of **** to make it the required length. This isn't close to what I will write for Harvard.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Quit wasting our time!</p>

<p>you do realize that if I was wasting Your time, I'd be wasting My time too? Believe me, that is not something I intend to do. I'm actually still in grade ten. Just looking for helpful suggestions from pros here, aka older kids.</p>

<p>By requesting that people rate an essay you have no intention of using?</p>

<p>Right.</p>

<p>Quit with the hostility already, I doubt anyone cares for it.</p>

<p>You're wasting people's time.</p>

<p>hahaha, I'm afraid you're wrong kid. You're the one choosing to respond.
If anything you're wasting you're own time. all I know is i am genuinely concerned about my future, therefore I am asking for advice on constructing an ivy caniber essay so very early in the process.</p>

<p>10th grader calling someone a kid? Hah.</p>

<p>You're wasting people's time if you ask them to rate something that you won't even use, without telling them in advance.</p>

<p>Good luck with constructing that ivy "caniber" essay. I'm sure asking for essays you won't even use to be rated will get you far.</p>

<p>OK. I actually bothered to read the essay. I'm replying, because although I can't see any point in rating an essay you're not going to use, but you actually seem to believe the essay you've written is...well, "good". Some pointers:</p>

<p>
[quote]
My parents were uncommonly quick to agree to fulfill my request without the necessity of the usual tantrums.

[/quote]

Bad language. For a start, you're using far to many words just for the sake of it. If someone agrees to your request, logically they have fulfilled it. And "usual tantrums" is a bad choice of words...I know you were four at the time, but it still reflects on your current character.</p>

<p>
[quote]
"Although having lived for only four short years in this world, at the time, I felt like my life had already spanned decades, centuries, and even millennia." [...] "Yet, something about that dock entranced and beguiled every part of my conscious existence."

[/quote]

I laughed when I read this. Are you trying to tell me you discovered the meaning of life when you were four? I really doubt when you were four you understood the concept of a conscious existence. The whole of the seond paragraph is just plain pretentious. </p>

<p>
[quote]
I remember laughing as I watched a few people, no doubt girls, screaming as they sped across the water on their sailboats.

[/quote]

"No doubt girls"? What's that doing there? What purpose does it serve? It reeks of sexism.</p>

<p>
[quote]
In fact, I should not have been surprised, as I had avoided the sea, the main attraction, in Spain, closed my eyes during a tour of the castle in Denmark where Hamlet was shot, and yawned while in the West Minster Cathedral in the past.

[/quote]

1) Westminster, not West Minster. And no "the" either.
2) As someone's already said, Hamlet was stabbed by a poisoned sword, not shot.
3) I don't think the "sea" is the only attracting in Spain, and it sounds pretty disparaging to say so. On a similar note, I personally wouldn't say the archipelago would be more exciting than the Seven Wonders of the World, purely because on of those wonder's was a lighthouse on an island next to a habour.</p>

<p>
[quote]
This isn't anything official, but please rate it. is this sort of what Harvard is looking for?

[/quote]

I don't think so. It's incredibly egotistical, and riddled with grammar errors. Grammar doesn't have to be perfect in an essay, but if your content is poor your grammar errors show up. But hey, you've got time...</p>

<p>Melodrama much? Try rewriting your essay without the thesaurus. And, you've misused the word "naseous" here--replace it with "nauseated." A lot of people don't understand this distinction, but "naseous" means "causing nausea," so you are, in effect, saying that, at age four, you felt as though you were "causing nausea."</p>

<p>Remember, a college essay should simply be well-written and original--it doesn't have to be dramatic and heavy.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

<p>thanks for the input, but just a note, the assignment was full of ********. Like I said above, I needed to make it the required length. and i didn't use a thesaurus. But thanks a lot for correcting the gramatical errors. Haha, I knew people would call it pretentious cause it was pretentious.</p>

<p>Well, if you're pretentious, then maybe you are what Harvard is looking for after all. ; - ) just kidding.</p>

<p>no that's okay. I can take it. Besides, I'm sure every high school kid has used fancy language to get good marks, cause those teachers are too incompetent to see past the fancy vocab.</p>

<p>What matters is the eloquency of the paper and whether it flows and appeals to the reader. Perhaps your worries about including advanced vocabulary in the essay are getting in the way of the quality of your work.</p>

<p>yes. they are. LOL</p>