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<p>There is also only one chance to spend four undergraduate years without playing a sport. To have the freedom to learn, mingle, and explore without a substantial time commitment to a sport.</p>
<p>There is always a road not taken, no matter what one decides.</p>
<p>My D faced a crisis of this type when she was a junior; similar at least in some ways (but not all) to your D’s. Her “sport” is dance, which required 8-10 hours at the studio each week. She has been dancing since she was 3 and has always loved it, except for that one year.</p>
<p>At mid-year she was having major stress at school: upcoming SATs and IB testing, a very heavy load of schoolwork, and college applications looming. On top of that, there was a good deal of drama and friction at the studio that year, which was upsetting to her. She told me over winter break that she was seriously considering dropping dance; she felt she didn’t have time for it, she wasn’t enjoying it anymore, and looking ahead, she wanted to have more time to enjoy her senior year. In her mind, the only reason for sticking with it was because it was her major EC for college applications.</p>
<p>Like you, I wondered exactly what I should say or ask. I didn’t want her to make a choice that I was pretty sure she’d regret, and yet she was so miserable and stressed out, and her self-confidence seemed so shaken, that I couldn’t bring myself to force her to stay. We had a few faltering conversations about it, and I came to the conclusion that I just wasn’t the right person to help her think it through. </p>
<p>I finally told her that she was old enough and smart enough to make this decision herself, that she knew what was at stake, and that I would support her whatever she decided. There was one condition: If she was leaning toward dropping dance, I wanted her to talk it over with an adult first, just to be sure that she had thought about all of the important aspects of the decision. I suggested that she could talk with one of her dance teachers, her youth pastor, a family friend to whom she’s close, or of course us, her parents.</p>
<p>In the end, she decided to stay. I don’t think she ever talked to anyone about it; she wrestled it out in her own mind. She told me later that she realized that the misery she was experiencing at the time was an aberration, that the junior-year blues would be over in a few months, and that she dances because she loves it regardless of the drama that was happening at the studio. Like compmom’s D, she simply could not imagine her life without it. </p>
<p>This isn’t to say that your D should make the same decision; every child is different, and every situation. But please don’t put pressure on yourself, thinking that you must come up with a certain set of words to try to bring about a specific outcome. Let her know that you love and support her no matter what; let her know that you have faith in her ability to figure things out, and that it’s OK to reach out to others to help her think it through; let her know that you’re there if she needs you. And then trust her. :)</p>
<p>I would say, give her some space. If she truly loves the sport, she will miss it and come back to it within a relatively short time and hopefully will be able to catch up IF she wants to play in college (a big if; even at the DIII level, varsity sports is a major time commitment).</p>
<p>When D1 decided to ease off on ballet in college I was very sad. I felt she was giving up something that’s been such important part of her life. But she didn’t want to dance 15-20 hours a week any more, she wanted to have more time for other things in college. I was also afraid I would never watch her perform again. After taking a little time off, she has joined a very intensive dance club on campus(we have gone up to school to watch her perform) and she is teaching ballet at a studio off campus. She said she really enjoys teaching. She had a boxer as a student. He came to try to get a better balance for boxing, but he is still dancing after a year.</p>
<p>The advice to talk to a therapist or other non-vested adult is good. I did that for my Division I athlete when he had to decide whether to quit or rehab and return to his sport. I had forgotten about it till just now, but the therapist went through all of the pro’s and con’s and generally asked questions that did nto include any parental fears: regret, miss seeing kids compete, etc.</p>
<p>My kids have often come to this fork where the next step requires an enormous increase in commitment to an activity. They have made their own choices regarding this, as it is not something I believe that I want to have to be wielding a whip. Once something becomes that much of a commitment, the person making it has to really want to do it and understand what that commitment entails in order to have a good chance of making it worthwhile. </p>
<p>As a parent, you can present the alternatives available. I know that there are kids who do leave high school to home study, or transfer to a school that focuses on that sport or activity. If this is something a child wants to do, and you agree, that’s one thing. If you can’t or don’t want to make such a move, present the best venues within the alternatives that you can support. </p>
<p>I wish we had transferred our older two to schools that better provided for their special interests. I don’t feel that they got as much support as they could have in high school. But we know some kids who did transfer to such programs,and the outcome was a total bust. One young man went to a school totally geared to his sport, and then had issues with that environment. His classmate who stayed at the local school did far better with less specialized and focused training. It’s so very difficult to predict these outcomes. Better to choose the processes themselves since the outcome can vary widely, and the process itself is living the life. </p>
<p>There is a lot of middle ground in all of this. Many D3 schools wanted my second son in a sport that he shunted to the side. We had coaches who were most interested in him, even though he did not pursue the sport intently. They felt that his performance without going all out showed a lot more growth available at the college level, whereas with some kids, you were seeing all they had. My oldest who did pursue the athletic route found that the very top schools in his sport were lottery ticket for him, and that he was at the level where most teams would want him but finding the right school that was willing to give him a premium in admissions or scholarship was the challenge. Honestly, he would have just as well off had he not pushed as hard athletically. The same with most of the kids who excelled in his sport.</p>
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<p>Before you even told us her grade level, I guessed she was a sophomore. Sophomore year is typically when the break for independence from parents starts for high schoolers. My own son did it as well. </p>
<p>In otherwords, forcing her to stay with her sport may seem the absolute right step to you, you may be forcing her into quitting simply to prove to herself that she has control over her own life. </p>
<p>Get a third party involved who has no investment in if she stays in the sport or not, like a therapist or counselor. Take a neutral stand yourself. Assure your D that you’ll support her choice, no matter what it is. Give her the room to make the best decision for herself and then stand by her. </p>
<p>If she stays in the sport, support her as before but don’t make it about you. Detach from it a bit, let it be about your daughter. If she quits, do not bring it up as a “could have been.” Just let it go. It will be one of the hardest things you’ve ever done but it’s excellent practice for all the letting go you have in front of you now. </p>
<p>An injury could, sadly, end a sports career in a minute. That her parents stood by her, trusted her and loved her unconditionally will never leave her.</p>
<p>Lilmom-a friend of ours went through something similar. They invested in several visits to a sports psychologist. Not sure how to find one but a neutral party might be able to find out what the true issue is.</p>
<p>Can’t really advise you here as my kids are not athletes.
Because of this, I see things from a different perspective.
What I am seeing is the kids that truly love their sport but who are also constantly injured by it.
One girl - a gymnast, already had multiple arms/wrist fractures. Another one - a soccer player, will undergo a knee surgery this week. She is 12 year old.
So from my perspective kids are taking it a little too serious a little too early.
Could it be that your daughter is just tired?</p>
<p>What pugmadkate said, #27.</p>
<p>I had a good talk with my husband this weekend. He feels she’s not really thinking of quitting but is just verbalizing her feelings which is a fear of the unknown. We agreed that we would give her some time to sort things out or even bring it up again. She never said she wanted to quit - she simply said “____is spending more time out there.” And that she didn’t want to change her own life in that way. </p>
<p>DH thinks that we should pay attention to her actions, too. Well, she chose to spend most of her weekend at practice - even in the rain. Believe me, this girl is not into her sport 24/7. She enjoys many other activities. So, when and if the time comes to bring in a third party to help her sort things out, we will do that. </p>
<p>The benefit of posting on cc first is that we have to opportunity to think things over as well as hear some great words of advice. I wish I had known about cc when my oldest was in 9th grade. I could’ve avoided a lot of arguments!</p>