That’s basically it. I think it is a game to her (and many of her classmates). She doesn’t seem able to distinguish what really matters and what is, at best, of marginal significance.
Is it fear of failure with many negative connotations?
I see this in my grad students often. My class is often the first time they might not get an A and it causes them so much anxiety. Even with this group I do much talking about how errors and mistakes are the best learning opportunities.
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Why do you think that it is a game? You know her / her friends- do you read this as something she finds fun? The perfectionist adolescent girls that I know/have known are living in a state of high anxiety all.the.time b/c they are so afraid at failing / being seen as imperfect / other people judging them harshly. Beautiful, smart girls that any objective observer would think are exceptional - but they are always afraid that any slip, any crack in the armor will expose them to unbearable negative judgements.
I get that it drives you crazy!! #beenthere/donethat. But for a moment consider that it might not be a game- except in the sense that Russian Roulette is a game maybe- and imagine what it must feel like to be so anxious every minute of every day.
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I thought the reply to the article was good advice–no instagram or pinterest. And ditch the selfie pix.
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Interesting piece but we (her parents) have sought to reassure D22 that our love is not conditional on academic (which I was what I was referring to in this case) or any other form of perfection.
Yes, we do expect her to do well academically because she is academically inclined - for us, this means being diligent and keeping up with her workload (she’s at a selective school) but we have told her time and again that she doesn’t need to be top of her class.
I think part of it is that her peers behave similarly (i.e., anything less than perfect is a “failure”). It gets to the point where I am not very sympathetic (like this morning).
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Yes, I think D22 needs to get a “55” on her first college exam and to see that the sun still rises the next day.
Have you talked to your daughter about why her peer group feels the need to discuss their grades with each other? Or how she might feel if she earned a B on a test or an assignment (or an A-, depending on her definition of perfection)?
This could be all a game for her or it could be something that stems from or is associated with anxiety.
It would be good to figure it out now before she and her peer group start the whole admission process and before she goes to college. If it’s a result of anxiety and/or leads to anxiety, that’s something you’ll want to talk to her about. (If it’s just a game, I totally get how annoying it can be for you).
From watching my daughter and her friends over the past several years, I do think they are too hard on themselves, certainly much harder than my (guy) friends and I were on ourselves at that age. But, as I mentioned in my reply above, I don’t think it is due to parental pressure.
What’s interesting about D22 is that (and I should have been clearer in my original post) her perfectionism applies almost exclusively to her academic pursuits. She has played violin since a young age and, to her credit, keeps going even though she’s experienced repeated disappointments in competition (in these situations, I’ve been highly sympathetic). And she’s recently taken up a new sport and is willing to be a complete beginner practicing with much more experienced classmates. In that regard, I don’t think she’s worried about looking imperfect or being judged as less than capable.
I think context is important, which I have left out in my post. D22 and her classmates generally do well on tests so they 1) set unreasonably high standards for themselves and 2) find additional opportunities to showcase this skill (that’s the “game”). So, when they fall (marginally) short of their lofty expectations, as D22 did in this case (on a test of marginal significance, in my view), they (she) overreact.
Are they striving for valedictorian or some other competitive honor? If so, that can be a game. Managing GPA is the college game. If an A is a 90 or 100, why not be satisfied with a 90?
Sometimes tutoring others or volunteering with special needs folks helps with maturity and perspective on academic pursuits.
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It sounds like she’s part of a peer group that is hyper-focused on grades and shares test and assignment scores on a regular basis. It’s very easy for a kid to get caught up in it.
It’s such a pet peeve of mine that I taught my kids way back in upper elementary school to let their friends know they don’t like talking about their grades or what they got on the test, etc… No need to get involved in those annoying and often obnoxious discussions.
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That reminds me of my son’s (also a perfectionist) first college exam disappointment. He got a 79 on a math test with no curve. It was a C. Although he eventually got an A, it was something he’d never experienced in his life in math. It was a rarefied group. They all had 5s on the BC exam, so were invited to an honors section of Calc III. I asked him what the range was. He replied “Oh, there were scores in the 30s!”
I’d suggest she frame “the game” a little differently than she does, because always winning on every assignment is not sustainable in college. There are too many assignments in too many classes and they have varying levels of weight.
Even in HS my son’s view of the game was maximum performance with the least effort possible to achieve the goal. He knew the assignments that really meant something and those that didn’t. He focused on mastery rather than the grade and knew the lowest A given was still an A. He finished his BS with a very high GPA, because he knew how to marshal his efforts. More importantly, he really understood the material.
Good luck! Parenting a perfectionist is not easy. Parenting, in general, is not easy. 
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I’d like to push back on the idea that we, as parents, have nothing to do with the high achieving (and at times toxic) environments that our children are finding themselves in. We obsess over which preschool, elementary school etc. will be a good fit, provide them with the best opportunities for academic success and EXPECT that academic success. Of course most of our kids’ friends’ parents are similarly minded so there is not much variation in the attitudes that our kids encounter in their everyday lives. I had to take a good look at my own attitudes and the language I used with my kids. From a young age I was expecting academic excellence. Instead of sharing in their joy and genuinely feeling happy for them when they did well, I sort of expected it. That is a HUGE weight on the kids shoulders. This is a very pervasive problem that is affecting kids in their physical and mental health and I don’t pretend to understand it well. But when I find myself in a situation that becomes problematic I first like to analyze the ways that I have contributed to it.
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I think you’re making a mistake. Perfectionism isn’t fun. It’s very limiting. Characterize it as a game if it makes you feel better for not being sympathetic, but a better choice might be to understand where the pressure to be perfect is coming from (internal or external) and help her find healthy ways to cope with it.
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Thankfully, her school does not rank and no valedictorian designation. Yes, broadening her horizons beyond her academic school would be very helpful.
The classmates she hangs around are generally nice kids and not overtly or overly competitive - but things leak that so and so got this and then D22 feels she needs to perform similarly.
To be fair to D22, we are grateful that she’s developed good study habits and is generally hardworking. We just think she takes it too seriously sometimes and doesn’t enjoy the moment (in that sense, it’s rather sad).
D22 needs to learn this.
Thanks. I was going to say we only have one year left but I suspect that’s not really true. (Actually, I will miss D22 greatly when she goes off to college.)
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Fair point. My wife and I both went to good schools and pursued white-collar careers and, over the past 16 years, no doubt conveyed certain expectations to D22 without verbalizing it. At the same time, we both got off the “treadmill” to live a more balanced, family-centered life, sent D22 to an alternative elementary school (going against the grain from some of our friends), and have repeatedly told her to not work too hard, to get enough sleep, etc.
What worries me most is D22 becoming an “excellent sheep.”
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Agree, she’s miserable when she has no reason to be. That’s the sad part. We’ve discussed this at length on several occasions and remain open to dialogue. Just got a bit much for me this morning.
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