I have been there, and you have my sympathy and empathy both. This happened to my son with the private school he went to (and were paying full freight, which in my area is more than 20k a year), they had a music program (not that great), and basically when a kid comes in who is halfway decent, the school music director see them as their property a lot of the time. It came to a head for us when my son had auditions coming up for a pre college program, and the audition date was in the middle of the school musical (which they wanted him for pit orchestra, natch, and when he said he had conflicts, the you know what hit the fan). The best was when we got the ‘you owe it to the greater good’ to do all these things (after telling him how much they did for him, like ‘letting him play in all these ensembles’ which he didn’t want to do but they wanted him in them, which resulted in a 7th grader having no lunch, and doing several classes as independent studies), how much he ‘owed’ the school (we told that to his violin teacher and she exploded, she asked whether he had gotten a music scholarship to go there, I laughed and said we were paying full freight, she said something very rude in 3 languages to tell them).
Quite frankly, in this situation, you have every right to tell them to stick it, your son and his future has to come first, he doesn’t owe anything to the school, he has done everything he can and more to help them, and they have the gall to give him the song and dance about “you owe it to the greater good”. I am sure, too, that your son probably doesn’t need the extra rehearsals but they are telling him that “you have to be there to set a good example for the other kids”.
I understand where they are coming from, playing at things like professional football games, or the school football games, or being in some competition is the way they sadly have to sell the program (when I was in HS, the director admitted that if it weren’t for having marching band at the games, we likely wouldn’t have a music program with the stage bands and such, tells you sadly the mentality of many people vis a vis music), but they are also supposed to keep the kid in mind, but what they see is a resource to exploit, they think they own him.
Here is the question, does your son enjoy doing the other program, does he enjoy being with the kids, is he getting anything out of it? If he is, then continue to do it, in the way he protects himself, and if the director keeps getting in his face, then I suggest talking to him and telling him if he doesn’t stop, you’ll pull your son out. It sounds like the program is getting more out of it than he is, and if he is planning to audition and this is a constant source of headaches, it isn’t worth it. And if the directors try an old, old tactic, extortion, threaten not to give him a letter of recommendation or otherwise foul up his trying to get into programs, ignore it. If the kid has a private teacher that will be enough, that blackmail crap is common, and quite frankly at most music programs they won’t notice or care if the kid has a recommendation from the school music director or not. There are good music directors who really care about the kids, but there are a lot of petty ante tyrants (Doonsbury when I was in high school had a fantastic series of strips dedicated to the band director that were hysterical) whose egos outstrip anything, and in the end what is important is your S and his future.
This is also one of the reasons why a lot of the very serious and talented high school music students don’t play in their school programs , my S went to one of the top level pre college programs and few of the students there played in their school programs, partly because the level was such that it was hard for them to deal with, but a large part was often exactly what I wrote above, being taken advantage of, the tales of pit orchestra and chamber groups and orchestras and bands and ensembles they were expected to be part of, and given that many of these kids were also academic superstarts meant they would have almost no life if they went along with it. Many years ago my son was part of a national competition sponsored by one of the music teachers associations, and one they had seminars like “How to get the gifted music students to support your program”,I can just imaging what they had in it, based on what I have seen…