Dec 1st! Practice Essay 2, Need insight and help!

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>my test is on DEC 1st!
Hi, this here is my following essay written from the prompt in the collegeboard sat prep book.
The prompt is "Is it important to question the ideas and decisions of people in positions of authority?</p>

<p>My outline:
galileo-rcc
Martin luther- rcc, indulgences -> protestant ref
Paine's common sense, monarch</p>

<p>Please read my essay and give me any criticism! Especially my intro! I feel like I messed up on it. Thank you!</p>

<p>Essay: I used 30 or so minutes ( I know the test is 25 min for the essay component)
A society is only stable as long as the liberties of the people are met. Every civilization that began formed a type of government. It is necessary that a government or any type of authority remain stable so public can be safe. However, there is a limit to the power of the authority. Ordinary people- office workers, clients, and teachers- all have the right to their liberty of speech. Whenever the person in authority acts unreasonably or wrong, the voice to challenge and question their actions is important because it can lead to better ideas or changes.</p>

<p>Challenging the social norm is always difficult. It was especially hard for Galileo Galilei to bring forth his scientific discoveries during a time of religious piety. No one dared to challenge the authority and the holiness of the Roman Catholic Church. However, Galileo shared his ideas that supported the Copernicus theory about the Earth and Sun which conflicted with the teachings of the Bible. This was not taken lightly and he was imprisoned for life in his home. Although paying the consequences, Galileo brought scientific enlightenment upon the people.</p>

<p>Speaking up about a topic a person is passionate about can lead to great movements. During a time where corruption was evident within the clergy of the Roman Catholic Church, Martin Luther became more troubled and passionate about religious piety. He felt the selling of indulgences was corrupt and the practice itself portrayed the greed of the clergy. With his published, 95 Theses, he astonished many civilians with his rebellious voice. Knowing the essay could've easily ruined his life, he still took his chances to fight for his beliefs. It would later have a major impact because it commenced a Protestant Reformation.</p>

<p>It is very important to speak out because new ideas can always widen a person's perspective. Thomas Paine wrote his pamphlet, Common Sense, during the American Revolution. He criticized the ability of the British system of government and even spoke out against the main authority, King George III of the United Kingdom. His bravery and reasoning, despite his treachery, reached out to many people in the colonies. His pamphlet spread quickly and he was able to convince more to support the fight for independence.</p>

<p>Even though there may be grave consequences, people should never abandon their voice during critical issues. Challenging and raising questions to the authorities can lead to new changes for the better. The sharing of ideas is always important for broadening our views and expressing our opinions.</p>

<p>END. Can someone critique my conclusion as well? I feel like it's incomplete and rough. :&lt;/p>

<p>Thank you to whoever has offered help!</p>

2

<p>Perfect essay, I give u a score of 9. The examples of Paine and king are perfect but the one about galaleo contradicts ur point of view and is very weak. U could have chosen a Arab revolution to write about or the American civil war. The conclusion is very weak and doesn’t restate the thesis statement. I really think u can get a 12 easily if u only improve ur conclusion and put a much stronger example rather then galaleo</p>

3

<p>Your thesis: It is important for governments to be stable for public safety. However challenging authority can lead to better ideas and improvements. </p>

<p>ex 1: Galileo published a scientific theory against the wishes of the authorities. He suffered negative consequences but advanced scientific knowledge.
ex 2: Martin Luther challenged consensus authority and lead to the Reformation.
ex 3: Thomas Paine challenged British colonial authority and had a part in bring about the US Revolution.</p>

<p>So that lines up pretty well with the prompt- you have three examples of where questioning authority was beneficial. But they are essentially the same three examples- I really dont see the progression of ideas in your argument that is supposed to be a 6. Also note that you never addresses the part of your thesis where you said it was important to have stable governments. </p>

<p>Your word choice is ok, but you do have some strange turns of phrase. Enough that I think it costs you. ie:
“bring forth his scientific discoveries”
" brought scientific enlightenment upon the people"
“despite his treachery”
" new changes"</p>

<p>Intro: Your goal is to state your position the the prompt. Done. You need to lay out your thesis and signal how you intend demonstrate it. This you are weaker on- you have a thesis but you dont totally address it (“Every civilization that began formed a type of government” makes it sound like you are going to argue a different line than you do). And you dont “tell us what you are going to tell us” as the saying goes. Something like “There are numerous examples in Western History where in order for society to progress it was necessary for the received ideas to be questioned”.</p>

<p>Conclusion: The conclusion is fine; I would have preferred that you were a little cleared ok your position on the prompt but it is there. Recapping the argument you laid out also would have been good (eg “As we have seen, questioning authority has been vital throughout European History in enabling the advancement of science, religion and government institutions.”). I dont love this sentence because it is only tangentially related to your argument and is a point you didnt address: “The sharing of ideas is always important for broadening our views and expressing our opinions.” On its own merits its a nice capper, but it is a bit out of place. </p>

<p>Overall I think this is a 5. There were some odd phrases and your argument was essentially three of the same thing instead of the progressing.</p>

<p>The most important thing to practice is hewing to the time limit. Based on what you told us, in a test situation you wouldnt have got in your last paragraph and that would have dropped you to a 4.</p>

4

<p>I generally agree with argbargy except on one important point. I think your three examples were intended to illustrate three different ideas. 1. Speaking out is “difficult” (not the best word choice…vague). 2. Speaking out can lead to great movements. 3. Speaking out can widen a person’s (whose?) perspective.</p>

<p>Argy is right that these are different from the idea you developed in your intro. I also don’t think that you did a very good job of focusing specifically on the ideas that these topic sentences express and developing them in further detail. (The Martin Luther example was the best). Still, the fact that you tried to use your examples to expose and develop different aspects of the prompt is a virtue that shouldn’t be overlooked. The other problems are there and they do drag you down. But as you work to eliminate the other weaknesses, you should also work to exercise and develop this strength. It is one major characteristic of higher scoring essays.</p>

5

<p>@ Mitcho. I’ve been getting very confused with SAT essay writing because of APeng rhetoric essays. The formats are very different and my teacher stressed the importance of not recapping the thesis in the conclusion. Thank you, I’ll make sure I restate it in the conclusion now.</p>

<p>@ argbargy. Thank you for your feedback. I know my intro was very faulty and I’ll work on it. Should I take more of an abstract approach to discussing the topic by not mentioning a specific institution like a government and speak broadly of the term “authority”? I usually place my thesis at the end of the intro but I can see that the reader can’t even tell which one really is my thesis. Also, are those turns really bad to use? Such as “bring forth” and “despite” because I’m so used to that type of writing, I wouldn’t know how to really fix it.</p>

<p>@ Wood 5440. Thank you, I was trying to achieve the point of bringing three different ideas. I’ll refrain from using words like “difficult”. And how should I be more specific about “3. Speaking out can widen a person’s (whose?) perspective.”?</p>

6

<p>Hi shtew- remember these are just my opinions, offered to be helpful. There is nothing to say that my subjective appraisal is correct, so if you love love love the phrases I object to, keep them. However I think the awkward phrase “It was especially hard for Galileo Galilei to bring forth his scientific discoveries…” might be better worded as “Because his work was sponsored by the Roman Catholic Church, it was politically awkward for Galileo Galilei to <em>publish</em> his scientific theories…”. </p>

<p>For instance, you wouldnt say to someone- “Hey did you see that Prof Chung brought forth her scientific discoveries in this months Journal of Surgical Ontcology”? “Brought forth” is awkward. You would just say she “published” her “research” or her “theories”. Likewise the grandiloquent phrase " brought scientific enlightenment upon the people" really seems out of place as well. At most 50 people at the time actually cared- certainly “the people” didnt. If Prof Chung publishes important but abstruse work on node biopsy techniques you wouldnt say she “brought enlightenment”. Yes, it could be important, even pivotal but in the short term most people dont even notice so you could hardly say they are “enlightened”. </p>

<p>There is nothing wrong with placing things in a larger context. For instance you could claim: “Galileo’s work in describing a heliocentric solar system demystified much of the movement of planets that had puzzled even the ancient Greeks and ushered in an era where everything mysterious was meant to be questioned, examined and explained. The Age of Enlightenment, and the tremendous economic progression it brought to people, could not have been possible without Galileo’s spirit of inquiry, even in the face of his personal hardships.” </p>

<p>As far as the thesis approach you should be as crisp as possible in responding to the prompt and I think you help yourself if you are fairly concrete as opposed to very abstract. The next sentence after your thesis should essentially be “And I am going to prove this with example a, b an c”. </p>

<p>Lets suppose we redo the intro adopting your main thesis. I am going to drop out a couple of things you have in- personal hardship of those speaking out and the nature of government formation. Notice this prompt doesnt ask about those. </p>

<p>"It is clear in examining human history that it has been vital to question and examine the ideas of people in authority. Almost every inflection point in history, where great leaps forward in knowledge, liberty and the human condition have come about, it has been because the seed of it was provocative and critical examination of the World at the time. While challengers may not be immediately embraced, eventually a new consensus emerges around their ideas. We can see this question/challenge/improvement pattern clearly in the actions of Galileo, Martin Luther, and Thomas Paine- without whom we would find our own world barely recognizable. "</p>

<p>Ow when you get to the bulk of your essay, the three examples, you are just trying to get the reader to agree with that premise. The conclusion paragraph is really just you summarizing how your thesis unavoidably follows from your examples.</p>