What’s the likelihood of needing a guarantor in either Charlotte, Raleigh, Durham, or Wilmington? Not high, I’m assuming.
@LBad96, I think it’s low.
But I also think you can’t assume that young people have only two choices – where they grew up and where they went to college. They can end up all over the place.
No. As a parent I would love to have both my kids nearby as adults, but I would much rather have them thriving wherever they land … so long as they stay in touch and welcome visits. Their life, not mine.
Though this goes hand-in-hand with expecting them to be self-supporting. If they’re not self-supporting, I’m not planning to pay their rent somewhere else when there’s a spare bedroom at home.
Do you have a job or internship for the summer to cover your costs and provide spending money for next year? Is that part of your parent’s concern?
As you figured out, it was a mistake to treat your parents with so little regard by texting them that you were not coming home at pretty much the last minute. Your parents miss you and want you to be close. That doesn’t mean you are obliged to comply. Once you graduate college and have a job, they have no real control over you.
I would think, however, that an NJ suburb of NYC would have far more opportunities for jobs than Wilmington does. Washington DC of course would have a lot as well.
I don’t have expectations that my kids will stay in the area of their home town for good. That is up to them. But I do envy my friends whose kids (older than mine) have settled in the area and will likely stay.
@mom2and no, not currently. My mom said I should try to find a job up here, but I would prefer to have one down there. We will see. I will apply to jobs in both areas today. Yes, it absolutely was a mistake, but I think I’ve done well to fix it by coming home immediately once I knew the gravity of what I said.
Maybe an NJ suburb of NYC would have more opportunities than Wilmington would, but I would prefer Charlotte or Raleigh/Durham to Wilmington. I’m not sure how great D.C. is for business (it’s obviously more political), but I would prefer that, Virginia, or Austin TX before coming home to NJ to live. It’s just that NC fits my personality SO much better than NJ. I never fit in in NJ one bit, not least in my hometown. Granted, my family might move to a different town within the next couple of years, but still. I’m lukewarm to my parents seemingly having this idea that I “owe” something to a state that I don’t feel any real affection towards. Maybe my feelings will soften over time, but that’s just how I see it right now.
@LBad96 may I ask what you like specifically about North Carolina? My S2 will be making his college list and is considering NC. What is your major?
I have zero expectations that mine would go to school in state, and if they did, I still wouldn’t have expectations they would land here. Honestly, I’m like ILMom uptread … my state sucks and I would love for them to leave (and, yes, I would most definitely follow them … but not too close and probably only after the grandchildren come along).
@LBad96 My wife went to college in state but several hours away from home and then moved elsewhere for jobs and grad school. Out of state living was never okay with one of her parents. It was still best for HER. There has been push back from one parent most of her adult life. I moved out of state for grad school/career and my family was fine with it.
Try to get paid summer jobs and (completely silently) save up all the first/last rental/utilities etc. deposit money you can while you’re in still in college. Better, try to get relevant paid internships. You want to be able to withstand the financial pressure if they try to starve you of cash later. Otherwise, no more major info drops at the last minute and especially via text. That is bad for the relationship even if they are totally geographically supportive. You presumably went to college for your future opportunities. If you can build a financial buffer for after graduation while polishing your family diplomatic skills you can probably finish where you are and keep your options open. /notyourdadbutadad
For our kids, I’m encouraging them to attend college and/or take job offers/internships in places that advance their careers, but hopefully where we would enjoy visiting. That’s as much nudging as I’m willing to sign up for.
DC is great for business. The entire beltway is home to not just businesses which have headquarters there, but any company whose industry is regulated (banking, energy, telecom, pharma) or does business with the federal government (virtually everyone- including all the tech giants) have operations somewhere in the VA/MD/DC corridor.
@CALSmom no problem. I like North Carolina’s slower pace of life, friendly and genuine people (esp compared to Jersey/NYC/LI), natural beauty, laid-back/chill atmosphere, and Southern cuisine. Like I said, the state just fits me better than NJ ever could. There are some cons, but they’re not bad enough to where I would run back to Jersey at the drop of a hat.
I am an international Business major with a French minor.
IMO, the initial post-graduation goal should just be finding a job where you can fully support yourself even if the job isn’t your dream job and you are sharing a place with one or more roommates. It’s easier to continue living on the frugal budget in tight quarters with roommates when that’s what you’ve been doing for the last few years. Some of my college friends and former roommates continued to live together for two or three years after graduation. Their apartment was little more than a crash pad while they saved money and busted their rears working long hours to make their mark and show some work stability in a responsible job for resume purposes. You might not want roommates, but if the alternative is moving home where your parents are your roommates, which would you prefer? 
All you need to do is get your foot in the door somewhere and make enough to pay for food and your share of the rent/bills. If you work hard, the rest will come.
@LBad96 thank you. Wilmington seems like a lovely city and my S2 is the same in regards to fit. He will probably want to look at Davidson also which my S1 visited; it wasn’t for him but maybe a fit for S2. S2 doesn’t know yet what he wants to study so he’s open to LACs. I hope everything works out and that you’re able to find a nice job there.
There seems to be two questions here.
I would expect my student to have a plan for summer that maximizes the ability to save money to help pay for college OR allows them to gain significant work experience to build a resume. If this means that they will have less fun and enjoyment then that is often the price for gaining experience. While I recognize that you only have a few summers left, the job market can be brutal and having experience helps.
After college, my only expectation is that hopefully you will find a job that you enjoy and pays the bills. I would love to have my student close but they have their own lives to live. I have lived mine and now it’s their turn.
It sounds like your dad was hoping to groom you to take over the family business. That plan should have been discussed with you. If that is not part of your plan then you need yo discuss that and make it clear that is not your life plan.
Son went INSTATE, different city than grew up in. Got a first job in college town with a national player in its field. We parents retired to Florida. Son left that state. Now about 3000 miles from us. We had no expectations- in fact hoped son would apply to and go to an elite OOS school. Happy he has ended up with a job that suits him in a great city for him (just as the heat suits my Indian H here).
Some families stick to the same area, others move. Great grandparents and a grandparent of mine immigrated to the US from Europe, leaving family behind. Others changed cities. My parents left their hometown as did I. And H. Likewise one sib plus her kids and H’s relatives.
No expectations to stay in our family. Go where the best job is and the environment you want to live in. That’s what happens with our family. Remember, your ancestors left home at some point- across an ocean most likely, regardless of family left behind.
@CALSmom anytime. Maybe your son can visit UNCW as well? It would be a good visit to make for sure. Also forgot to mention that NC has better, admission-free beaches compared to NJ where even sub-par beaches charge you to get in, which is ridiculous.
@noname87 of course, the idea is to get experience this summer. Last summer I didn’t have a job, so that probably contributed to the boredom a little bit, especially after my summer class. But I still didn’t get to hang out with my HS friends as often as I anticipated, so I was hoping that summer in Wilmington would eliminate a repeat of last summer. The plan to take over wasn’t really discussed with me, no. It was just assumed. Like I said, their idea of me owing something to this state annoys me.
@wis75 that’s actually what especially winds me up, my parents both immigrated here across an ocean and yet they’re offended that I don’t want to come back to this state after graduation.
My unrealistic hope is that all 4 of mine will settle within a few hours of each other, preferably on the west coast (I’m in midwest). Then I will move somewhere central to them. In reality, I’m pretty sure that the oldest will go to school within a few hours of here, and never leave the area around where he grew up or went to college. #2 and #3 (who would be on board with my plan) realistically won’t be looking for colleges on the west coast either, which makes that a less likely final landing spot. The only one who seems to think that she wants to permanently move to CA when she graduates is the 4th grader. Of course, she is also going to be either an actress or a fashion designer. So I don’t think reality has played any part in her long term plans so far.
Realistically, I expect one to end up on west coast, one on east coast, one smack dab in the middle of the country annoyingly far from a major airport, and one I have no idea. Like most of the posters, I just want them to be successful and happy. If I get to see them more than a couple of times a year that’s a bonus.
Personally I had no plans to ever return from NYC to where I am now, but after DS#2 was born, we were drawn back to family and I now live 30 minutes from where I grew up. I own a business in my wife’s home town. I see my in-laws a few times a week, and my parents a few times a month.
I don’t think that many of us really know what we are going to do with our lives or where we are going to live before we are 30 anyway. Most of us thought we did, but were probably wrong.
@LBad96 this sentence of yours explains it perfectly:
that’s actually what especially winds me up, my parents both immigrated here across an ocean and yet they’re offended that I don’t want to come back to this state after graduation.
I don’t know what country your parents came from, but they are part of that culture spiritually even though physically they live in the US. In most cultures, this is fairly standard expectation - that kids don’t stray far from their parents, and in some it is a requirement.
The sentiment expressed in this thread - and shared by my family as well - is quite unique to the US. What’s normal for us - that we are happy when our kids land on their own wherever it might be - is not normal in most other parts of the world.
No, I don’t expect my kids to return home. My D (a freshman) will be home this summer. After that, who knows.
BTW, my dad flipped years ago when I told him I wasn’t coming home after freshman year, and I was totally taken aback by his response. I had never heard him angry in my life, and he lost it with me. I had to change plans and get a job at home that summer. The next year, I was wiser and told him my summer plans early in the year so he got used to the idea. I also made my summer plans sound wholesome and career-oriented. Um, I was stretching things quite a bit, but back in the day, it was hard for him to know otherwise.
So as others have said, smile and deflect, but also work to convince your parents that you are responsible and able to live on your own. Your parents are probably scared for you. When I was your age, I could not understand why my parents always imagined the worst or imagined something bad would happen to me. Now that my kids are college age, I understand my parents. But obviously if your dad is hoping that you’ll take over the family business and you don’t want to, then you’ll have to figure out how to navigate that.
My older one is half way through college on the East Coast and has already decided that she wants to return to the SF Bay Area where we live. It makes me very happy.
My oldest will just be starting college but I’ve told them since they were little to consider the whole world open to them. I’ll visit and come help them set up for life there. I wanted to be sure to counteract the family restriction I saw in some friends’ families here.
I would expect my adult children (and you) to seek your best opportunity and follow it. If you want to move to your home area after graduation or much later as family life makes it desirable, it is solely your choice as an adult.