Did you expect your OOS kid to come home after graduation?

Parents Forum
161

Why would you expect that the college has given a date for students to return and then be able to return earlier? You don’t rent an apartment for May 1 and then get to move in April 20. Usually students can only return early if they are in a special program - and they PAY for the extra days.

Look, you knew your parents didn’t want you to go away, that they want you to return home, that they’ll be sad if you don’t. All this will be controlled by money. Where will your job be? If you fail to get a job for next summer, you’ll be at home again. If you don’t get a job after senior year, you’ll be back in NJ. You have to take control and find jobs when you need them. If you depend on your parents for your money, they get to control where you live. They wouldn’t be refusing to pay for an apartment in Wilmington or anywhere else because they want you to be with them but because they don’t have extra money to support you living anywhere but at home.

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I’ll put in a plug for New Jersey, spent 19 years there growing up age 0-18, and back again at age 22-23, working for Bell Labs for about a year, as a graduate student. New Jersey has plenty of jobs in both the metro NYC area and the metro Philadelphia area. There are beautiful beaches, a diversity of people of all cultures and religions, lots of jobs in ALL sectors, and lots of amazing city things to do in either city. I joined a canoe club and explored the rivers of NJ in my year there after graduation. I discovered that the Appalachian Trail runs through NW New Jersey. The tomatoes and corn are about the tastiest anywhere and the apple cider the best, fresh from New Jersey farms. The fall colors are fantastic in New Jersey too, I really miss the deciduous forests of New Jersey. Of course I live on a prairie now, the Colorado front range, browns, purple, reds and orange colors , so not so green.

Its all relative.

Younger college students have complicated feelings about their home state that are convoluted with their feelings about their family and in this case perhaps culture too. its not really about New Jersey, so much, this post is about how to break free of family of origin and grow up and find what makes one happy.

More NJ positives: ethnic foods, I really miss those meatball subs, and New Jersey has better trains than most of the USA. One can catch a train to Boston or Washington DC, as well as easily get to NYC or Philadelphia. Whats there not to like? !

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If you really want to return early, see if there are any on campus jobs that would require it. My DS will be expected to be on campus up to a week early for training and move in early so that he can be ready to do his on campus job the very first day that freshmen hit campus. He will not pay extra for those extra dorm days.

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@twoinanddone well, the on-campus housing contract website says we could move in on the 12th of August (the Saturday before, which is when the freshmen move in), so we technically could move in earlier. But I remember last year my RA said that we could move in on the Thursday or Friday before classes started as well. I’m assuming it’s the same for this year…

@Coloradomama actually, it is less about my family and more about the people I met here. My former schoolmates honestly represented why NJ is the most-disliked state in the country; very snobby, ALWAYS bragged about their material things, thought they were better than everyone else in the state and the country, extremely judgmental and insufferably arrogant elitists (look at it this way: they had a “Rich-Out” against their main rival HS a while back. Notice how I use “they” and not “we”). REALLY not the place to be if you weren’t rich or white (I was neither). I honestly don’t know how I had enough self-control to go without slugging anyone in the face, because there were a LOT of people who deserved it, quite frankly. I was treated horribly in addition to the adversity I was experiencing behind the scenes. WAY too many painfully awkward memories growing up. I felt like I had everyone judging every single thing I did. Teachers in my first two years always talked down to me and made me feel bad about myself. One certain kid who always tried to intimidate me and aggravate me with his petulance. Other issues I won’t mention. Worst experience of my life. And to anyone who sees this, don’t bother replying if you’re going to trivialize this by saying “most kids hated high school”. NO. What I had to endure was wholly different than anyone else. And it’s because of all this that I find myself sorta subconsciously growing apart from many of my HS friends. Not as eager to really hit them up, in part, because of the fact that they had to tolerate me through all my stupid awkward phases and that crap (though I am planning on visiting my HS best friend at Rowan, he’s taking a summer class there). I have some other good HS friends that I hang out with from time-to-time, but the only friend I really hang out with up here on a reliably consistent basis is my friend that I made from my CC summer class last year who is ~5-7 mins away in a different town. I MUCH prefer being at UNCW to home because my college friends never had to see me growing up. And yes, I have a few people I dislike in Wilmington, but at least I can be comfortable with myself and not have to walk around with everyone having a preset perception or judgment or expectation of me.

The beaches here are overrated. Not that beautiful, always overcrowded with loud and annoying tourists, the water is murky, and they charge admission. NC has far, far better beaches that are free admission. The diversity aspect is highly overrated; it’s not like blacks and whites live amongst one another in the same neighborhoods. Proximity is also overblown. What does it say about a state when its best aspect is its proximity to cities in other states? Northern NJ (where my family lives) is also home to many of NJ’s worst aspects: huge overcrowding which leads to congestion, traffic, and very angry, unfriendly people who don’t take at all kindly to strangers and have huge temper problems and awful accents. In fact, walking up to someone to say hello is highly discouraged. They don’t even smile back like they do in NC at all! There’s absolutely zero chill up here.

Is it everyone? No, obviously not. I cannot stress that enough, and yet I know that people will probably STILL criticize me for saying this regardless. Is it representative of my own personal experience? Sadly, yes. And THAT’S why I don’t want to come back to live here, besides the fact that the COL would suffocate any freshly-minted college grad. It’s not my fault that my attempts to get my family to maybe consider a move OOS were met with acceptance from one parent (who actually started the discussion) but lukewarm feelings from the other.

I do definitely miss the pizza and bagels up here when I’m away, as well as the public transportation. But the fast food, BBQ, and beaches in NC absolutely obliterates the offerings in NJ. Put all that together with much nicer, friendlier, more genuine people and a much more manageable COL, and NC just fits me better as a person. MUCH better. I love being with my family, especially watching soccer and basketball with my dad and brother. But I can’t ignore everything else that made/makes it so unbearable for me. I’m sorry if you weren’t expecting this response, just know that in no way was my rant directed specifically at you or anyone else on here.

mic drop

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LBad- nobody here is trying to make you love NJ.

But two points-

1- Your sister is her own person, and for her own educational needs (and financial limitations) staying in state may be her best (or only) option. So stay away from opining while she’s still figuring out her list.

2- You may hate NJ and STILL end up there- if none of the jobs you are pursuing elsewhere pan out once you graduate. So try to gain some perspective for your own piece of mind. Which is better- being homeless in DC or having a roof over your head in your parents home and commuting to a fantastic job in NYC which will give you access to lots of BETTER jobs in the future?

Try not to see everything in your life as so black and white- you’ll be in a better place mentally if you haven’t set yourself up for total failure if in fact- you need to move back home after graduating, even if only for a few months or a year or two.

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@blossom why would staying in-state be best for my sister’s educational needs when she has the stats to potentially get into excellent choices elsewhere? It’s one thing if it’s not going to work out financially. Also, why would my post-grad jobs elsewhere not work out if I apply early enough?

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@LBad96 - my son had the stats to get into many, many excellent choices. None of which I could afford. Stats are only part of the equation. Stats by themselves do not guarantee anything.

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Let your sister’s needs and preferences guide her choices. You keep emphasizing how much you detest NJ, but that’s you. Give her the chance to work her own way through this, come to her own decisions.

Fact is: many, many people like NJ. You don’t like: your hs experience, the tourists and congestion, some less friendliness. But may see it differently. ( And no one has sausage and peppers like NJ.)

We get you don’t want to be there. But we’re saying you need to work your way out of it. And we’re cautioning against trying to influence what should be your sister’s choices, her chance to put her 2+2 together.

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Depending on how the next year and summer goes, GPA and/or lack of relevant experience, maybe? Competition can be rough, especially if you limit yourself to a specific geographic area.

I applied to ~25 internships this year, 2 interviews, 1 offer. The applications were spread across a range of states. I think what hurt me was my lack of experience. And in the end I had to compromise on what I wanted – the offer was far from home.

For full-time positions I’ll be applying to many more than 25.

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Applying early may be good. But you still need to get the job. You said you applied for some NY area internships for this summer. Did any of those lead to interviews? You can see many are competitive, as bodangles shows.

Planning is important, but it’s not all in the planing, it’s the action.
Mathmom noted her son did some unpaid internships in NYC. Sometimes, when a paying position doesn’t come through- or the unpaid is more relevant, better for the resume- if you can’t afford living on your own, you’re left with living at home, maybe commuting. Dollars and cents.

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@delilahxc that’s very unfortunate. I hope your son found an affordable choice that he likes.

@lookingforward she WANTS to go OOS, but not necessarily further than the Northeast. All I’m advising her is to be more open to potential options that may be further away, but more inclined to give her merit as a result (such as App State or Davidson). She doesn’t mind staying in NJ but would prefer to leave.

@bodangles wow. That was really tough. You’re from PA, I’m assuming? For full-time positions, I’m thinking I would be particularly open to NC, VA, TX, PA (I would love Pittsburgh and probably wouldn’t mind Philly), MD, DC, DE, WI, OH, MI, WA, CO, OR, CA. So I would definitely be applying all over. I applied to about 12 internships, 10 of which were in the NYC area, but only one of them responded.

I do have a job interview on Friday, though. Hoping for good things to come from that.

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And in case my anecdotes are too specific to my field, I helped a friend in the social sciences set up a resume and sent him a bunch of links to paying internships. He got something unpaid in the end. Nothing else bit.

Good luck with the interview!

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@LBad96 Sorry you are having some struggles, here are some questions to think about, you do not need to answer these, just reflect on them when you have time:

What is your major? Have you done some research on what careers will be available to you with this major?
Can try to set up some informational interviews with professionals in the field that interests you? Do you have a Linkedin resume set up and have you got training on how to use Linkedin? Have you used your public library to explore career options? Have you used the placement office at your university? Can they pair you with an alumni who is in your field, so you have a mentor? Is there a minor you would like to earn too? How can that fit into your studies
to broaden your knowledge?

Try to focus less on geography, your parents feelings, or your sister’s decisions,
and much more on your own career goals. Can you take
some classes this summer part time to explore you goals, or does your summer work take up all your time ?

NY/NJ/PA are all rather materialistic, and you will find that in any wealthy community across the USA.

CA for certain is like that. Chapel Hill , NC may seem like that to you too, although I agree that North Carolina
has a friendlier feel than NJ.

There is no reason to feel trapped by New Jersey. You can leave there at any time, even if you start your career there, you can leave if you wish. It may be best , given your negative feelings to plan to leave, but just do not go over this yet with your family, you have two years to ease them into this understanding about your preferences.

Lots of people are from NJ ,its a good place to be from. And its not that different than adjacent NY or PA or Maryland.

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I like post #158. Immigrants left family and home behind. Their kids can too. And- being elsewhere in the US is not an insurmountable travel task, even 3000 miles. No visa required…

OP has three issues. This summer and after graduation are his. Most students end up at home by default- nothing better/more affordable. Senior year will see a lot of growth/development/maturity/ et al compared to now (that’s part of the education) that will determine job hunting. Finally- he is trying to manage his sister. She has a mind of her own.

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Getting the job you want after graduating isn’t a function of when you apply.

Some companies have thousands of applications for every 10 openings in their management training programs. They may decide they want a strategic language- Korean, Farsi, or Mandarin- and you speak French. They may decide they want someone who aced econometrics and you never took it. They may decide that they want to hire engineers and computer scientists even for entry level management roles at a bank that don’t require engineering or comp sci. And some companies only make offers for full time to students who complete an internship the summer after their junior year.

You need to make an appointment at career services at your college for the week you go back. You need to learn how the job market operates.

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Davidson has a few highly competitive merit awards but their aid is primarily need based.

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“Here in NE, in the Northern states of VT. NH. and ME, parents talk a lot about the need for the kids to move away to find work. It is painful for parents but a fact of life.”

I’m late in catching up on this thread but want to comment on this remark many pages back and set the record straight. Unemployment rates in northern New England are amongst the very lowest in the country (of course it can vary across a state, however). There are plenty of jobs for college graduates in these states but they tend to be with smaller/medium sized companies. The states lack major cities that many young people gravitate as being hip but it is not for lack of jobs. On the other hand, all are great places to raise a family and for those that relish outdoors pursuits.

Current unemployment rates
VT 2.8%
NH 2.8%
ME 3.0%

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All your points are received in earnest.

My sister is taking both the SAT and ACT next month, so she probably won’t post herself until then. sighs I just want her to post herself lol. As much as I genuinely enjoy helping her find colleges to look at, I can’t do it alone. No way. I also enjoy being her agent (as I like to call it lol), but I definitely need some assistance on suggesting colleges for her. I think it would be cool if she looked at NC State, App State, and Davidson, but we will see once she posts. Perhaps some of you will have better suggestions for her.

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Our son is graduating from the University of Denver and has a job lined up in Boston. We live in New Jersey.

Our daughter went to college in North Carolina, attended law school there and now lives and works in N.C.

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Maybe you should let your parents guide your sister and let her find her own way.