Did you expect your OOS kid to come home after graduation?

Parents Forum
141

A few thoughts on your situation:

  1. It's often quite challenging for first-generation Americans (i.e., children of immigrant parents) because here you have yourself growing up in American culture, but your parents are looking at things from the point of view of the culture from their home country. Often, there can be differences. And sometimes, those differences lead to different expectations between the student & the parents.
  2. Open, honest & respectful communication between the student & parents is essential in order to get through the challenge of #1.
  3. Generally speaking, a college student is usually more successful at getting summer employment at/near one's university if that student started looking for & applying for summer positions earlier.
  4. You're a major in international business & also studying french. When looking down the road at post-college employment, one thing to consider is....what KIND of international business? For example, if you're a finance person, then yes...there ARE options in NC, but not necessarily Wilmington. Wells Fargo Bank, for example, has a huge complex in Charlotte, if memory serves me correctly. NYC is an epicenter of international banking & finance, so that's one option in favor of considering jobs around the NJ area. Phoenix, AZ also has a lot of large banking/finance industry employers - BofA, Wells Fargo, American Express, Discover Card, Charles Schwab.

However, maybe you’re not into banking.

“International business” essentially is doing business with countries outside the US.

Consider your father’s company, for example. Let’s say he runs a business importing goods from Nigeria to the US. That’s international business.

Or let’s say your father’s company is running a restaurant. You could expand the restaurant to be a chain of restaurants in the US and Canada. That’s international business. And if you start the expansion in Quebec, then you’d need to know how to speak French for that.

  1. It would have been ideal if your dad had told you ahead of time that he wanted you to take over his business. Don't blow him off too quickly. Listen to him, especially his reasons as to why he wants to leave the business to you.
  2. Maybe there's a way that you could kill 2 birds with 1 stone and use the opportunity of working for your dad for the summer and making it work on your resume for later post-college-graduation employment opportunities. Look at the situation from a different point of view and see what you can come up with.
  3. Re: the texting your parents to tell them that you were planning on staying in NC for the summer - Chock that up to a learning experience. That what we all do...even us adults who have been adulting for awhile longer than others. We're still learning. Your parents are learning, too. They're learning how to adjust to you being out of the house. If you're the first born child, that can be really hard on some parents. So you learned from that snafu that communicating big news to Mom & Dad via text message is not a good idea. I'm sure that you already apologized to them. Just remember to not do that next time and things will probably go more smoothly. :-)
  4. Sometimes everybody has to work in "meh" jobs in order to get somewhere better down the road. It is reasonable for a parent to expect a college student to be working 40 hr per week during the summer if he/she isn't taking any summer classes.
  5. Sometimes the better job opportunities come from the "meh" jobs because maybe you've put in the hours doing the grunt work in, let's say, some professor's lab on campus. You show up on time, you do what you're told, you work diligently on the tasks assigned to you, then other opportunities open up because it gets you a good letter of recommendation. Or the employer or professor or whomever takes a liking to you and says, "Hey, I know so-and-so who needs somebody to do __ about the time that you're graduating. Would you be interested in something like that?"
142

With regards to your original question:

I personally would not expect my kids to move back home after college graduation. Nor would I expect them to even move back to the state we currently live in. I’d expect them to find gainful full time employment and I’d expect them to be willing to move wherever the full time job was. I’d miss them an awful lot, but I’d deal with it.

But that’s our family. Every family is different. If you ask 100 different families that same question, you could end up with 100 different answers.

Your mom and dad might be more open to you living & working outside the state of NJ after college graduation if you just communicate it to them differently…

For example, first off, apply to jobs for post-college employment regardless of which state the job is in. This is something that your parents don’t need to know about just yet. Your chances of being “allowed” to live outside of NJ after college graduation are MUCH greater if you actually have a job offer in hand during your senior year of college.

And by job offer, I mean a written job offer that says they’d pay you X amount per year and the job starts on __ date.

Once you actually have the job offer in hand, THEN you approach your parents and tell them something like this:

"Hi Mom and Dad,
I’ve recently been given a job offer doing __ at Company X in City, State. I’ve been thinking about this long and hard and there are a couple of things I’d like to discuss with you about this job offer. I know that it’s probably really disappointing for you that the job offer is not in NJ. But here’s a few reasons why I think that I should consider this offer:

Reason 1
Reason 2
Reason 3

I have until ___ date to respond to this job offer. What do you think?"

And here are some likely reasons that you’d WANT to include in this discussion w/your parents:

  1. Lower cost of living compared to NJ
  2. Lower state taxes compared to NJ
  3. Show them the $$. Use the Money Magazine cost of living calculator to compare what the comparable salary would have to be in NJ. http://money.cnn.com/calculator/pf/cost-of-living/
  4. Shorter commute time(s)
  5. Good career growth opportunities because ___ (fill in the blank with whatever fits bets).
  6. If the company you get the job offer from has an office in the greater NJ/NYC area, that’s a plus because you could use it as a negotiating point w/your parents EVEN IF the job offer is not for a NJ/NYC area position yet.

I would highly recommend that you consider telling your parents that you appreciate all of their hard work. Tell them that you know it’s been really rough for them. Acknowledge that adjusting to life in a new country is really challenging. Acknowledge that maybe they came to the US for its opportunities. But then also tell them that BECAUSE this is the land of opportunity, you need to go after that opportunity…and that in this particular situation, that opportunity is not in NJ, but it’s in ___.

143

Thats great advice from @Tusconmom North Carolina and New Jersey are driving distance too. So its not too bad if you do decide to settle in the southeast. Wait and see where you get a job. Don’t even worry or give your parents reasons to worry. Be nice to them, and just see where life takes you. You can explain it to them later and maybe they will decide to move closer to you, if you get an offer in a state other than New Jersey. Its hard to keep parents happy, when you no longer live at home and they miss you, and its nice that they are helping you with U of North Carolina. Keep calling them once a week and send them newsy cards about once a month. They will feel better if you try to stay in touch.

144

I love my kids, but there are no expectations as to where they will live. I’ve actually encouraged them both to consider moving to another country which 1) has paid maternity leave (most other countries do); 2) has much better early childhood support (paid child leave); and 3) has much better health insurance. I want them to have good lives.

145

If you had found an internship in NC, you wouldn’t be in this mess. So there you are, in NJ. You say “lesson learned,” but I believe that getting a job, getting ahead of the game, was advised on your other thread, which is several months old.

Of course, if this were lined up, you might be arguing with your parents about taking that internship or job. But, from a position of strength, not last minute, finding yourself with no job, little money, fingers crossed that something/anything comes through.

So there you are, in NJ.

I would speak this way to my own kids. “If you want it as much as you say, make it happen.” No arguing with parents, when there is no option, nor two years before grad.

Dreams without steps toward the goal are just dreams. Sorry, I know this sounds tough.

146

@tucsonmom @Coloradomama thank you both so much for that. I appreciate your kind words.

@lookingforward I actually applied to a bunch of NYC area internships via LinkedIn, and only got the idea to stay in NC in April…

147

Ok…let’s talk about THIS summer…

This summer, you need a job and a FREE place to live. That is more likely to happen in NJ than in Wilmington. You don’t have a FREE place to live there…and you don’t have a job there.

When my kids didn’t have jobs in their college towns in the summer…or even on school vacations…I expected them to live HERE free, with us. Oh…and both HAD jobs here anyway from HS.

It is May 15. I sure hope you are looking for jobs while you are in NJ. And I hope you aren’t being picky…anything is good. Around here, landscapers are looking for workers. So are restaurants…but for dishwashers, and bus people. You aren’t in a position to be picky.

So…are you pounding the pavement in NJ? Or are you sitting in your parents’ place wondering if some job in Wilmington will miraculously come your way?

148

@LBad96 I wouldn’t fret too much about the job this summer. Looks like you can cross off internship for the summer, however It seems like you’ve been discussing the situation with your parents so at this point, whatever happens, happens. Even working in your parents’ business (which btw may I ask what it is?) will give you something to keep busy enough so those old memories won’t haunt you too badly.

I can relate to your parents’ pressure to stick around as I am also an URM. My parents immigrated here to give their children a better life. Education was stressed in our home and college was expected. I was the first to go away and live at college (I am middle child). My parents expected me to return home during summers. I remember one summer taking courses at local university to transfer to my school so I could graduate in four years. The other summers I worked retail jobs at tourist shops. I didn’t mind it because my plan was to land a job where I attended college. So in a way it was good for me to ‘be at home’ even though I wasn’t around much. After undergrad, I did land a job not too far from college. My parents were sad but happy I had found a good job, enough to support myself, get my own apartment and buy a car.
It was years later I realized I did miss my family and my hometown so I ended up returning and have never looked back.
I can say that family for me was a huge factor in settling down where I did. My kids got to grow up with their cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents and I believe that’s been invaluable to have that support (we never lacked babysitters or people to hit up for school fundraisers lol).

149

My oldest went from NY to Pittsburgh for college. I knew as a computer guy he was unlikely to come back to NY. He did internships in CA and that’s where he ended up.

Younger son went to the Boston area for college. He came back to NY and did a couple of unpaid internships in NYC and lived with us. Then he joined the Navy.

Both my husband and I grew up in foreign service families with families of origin no where near Washington DC where we mostly grew up when we weren’t overseas. So the expectations were not there. And we don’t have family businesses we’d expect either kid to like or even be good at.

150

@thumper1 I have applied to multiple jobs in both places for this summer, yes. But I think it would make more logistical sense to stay up here and work, honestly. I would also kinda feel like a jerk if I decided to go back and work down there, even if the pay was decent. If I can at least visit Wilmington this summer (or maybe have a friend or two visit me!) or go back a day or two earlier to start school, then I’ll be fine with that. :slight_smile:

@CALSmom I feel you on that, I’m the oldest child, and the pressure to come back after I’m done is real. I guess that maybe the chance to intern in Wilmington has sailed, as I have received advice to just intern in a major NC city next summer instead. I do hope that I get a chance to really know and see Wilmington, though. My main crux was that I haven’t really had a huge chance to do so as of yet because of being a full-time student (as well as now having a part-time job on campus).

151

@LBad96

That’s a good plan. Get a job in NJ…any job. Friends can visit you…and you can visit them…IF you have time.

Going back a week early or so…not a bad idea either, assuming you have housing for that time!

152

I fully expect both my daughters to move where they can get a jobs in their respective fields, I doubt it will be in NJ. I am hispanic, born and raise, there is a big expectation that kids stay home until they marry in my culture (my girls have zero interest in doing that anytime soon). I am not doing that to my kids, they get to decide what is best for them, I can only offer support and guidance.

153

@thumper1 I’m still living on-campus next school year (well, at least for this next semester), so I don’t have to worry about that.

154

My son went to school out of state, and would be happy to never come back. His GF found her ideal job in our state. So guess where son will be living.
Other son is hoping for a job near home, so he can save money and live at home.
I never expected my kids to consider “home” when deciding where to live after graduation.
I’m happy if they are happy and gainfully employed.

155

@LBad96

What I meant…check your school dorm calendar. You may find that your dorms are NOT open as early as you want to return.

156

My son has a scholarship that will preclude him from doing more than visit during summers. The scholarship is super awesome, but never discount that as parents, we want to see you. I wish my son could spend some summers with us. I understand why he won’t but it doesn’t keep me from wishing he could. I’ve no allusion that he will ever come home at any point - I know his college and his life plan do not include doing so. But as a mom, it makes me sad. Of course, I wish he’d be around more (not after graduation, necessarily, but summers were something I had hoped for…)

Do what is best for you within reasonable financial constraints (for instance, if my son were not on full scholarship, OF COURSE I would expect him to come home to work over the summer unless he could give me an impressive and demonstrable reason why that would not be in his best interest) In trying to follow your various threads, I believe there are some financial constraints (I’m sorry if I am misremembering)

Do I think it is reasonable you will work in NJ post graduation? No. Assuming you are self supporting. If you are not, that’s a very different story. But not the current story. You messed up this year. You didn’t line up anything in NC and your communication with the parents was poor. Make lemonade with the lemons you feel you have and plan better for next year.

RE - the tangent of your sister - please, please, have her create her own thread. Your reality, your parents expectations and financial realities are all a part of this and without a complete picture no one can advise her. Does she deserve better than NJ? Maybe. Lots of people deserve lots of things that for many reasons they can’t make happen. Lots of people make decisions that are financially motivated and those kind of discussions would be better in a separate thread,

157

“Do I think it is reasonable you will work in NJ post graduation? No.”
“Does she deserve better than NJ? Maybe.”

As somebody who lives and works in NJ suburbia with plenty of successful graduates from the City University of New Brunswick and Piscataway, I find this hilarious.

158

I think you are misunderstanding me. I do not have enough information about NJ to say what its pros or cons are but am merely responding to preferences of OP. He does not wish to work in NJ so if he can find a self supporting job elsewhere there is no reason he should have to return. Similarly, if the sister can earn (financially and scholastically) a school she feels is better, then that is fine for her.

I don’t actually understand the strong feelings about NJ at all. But I don’t have to - it isn’t my reality - its theirs.

159

Well, as a student myself, and the son of immigrants, it would be rather funny if my parents, after traveling thousands of miles away from home in Nigeria, expected me to just stay smackdab where I started.

Thankfully that isn’t the case!

160

@thumper1 well, it says that on-campus housing for returning students opens only the Monday before school starts. I hope that’s not actually only when we’re allowed to come back down, and that we could instead return earlier like we could last year. I went back the Monday before classes started last fall, and it SUCKED. That entire fall semester was honestly frustrating…

@delilahxc fully accept that I did mess up this year. If I had had the idea to intern in Wilmington throughout the school year as opposed to only seriously thinking of it near the end, I obviously would’ve jumped on it. However, the assumption was mostly that I’d intern up here at home…SMH. That’s definitely a regret that I have. My strong feelings about NJ are best left for another thread - at this point, I’m just trying to enjoy this summer at home with my family as much as I possibly can. As for my younger sister, I’ve been trying to get her to create her own thread, and even gave her the typical “template” for making one, but she’s been a bit busy lately. I even offered to just type it on her computer for her because of how long we’ve been talking about it, but she said it’s her profile. Lol. I’m just a little eager to see her post and join the CC family officially, as she’s had her account for a few weeks now. We’ll see! I wanna see her post this week :slight_smile:

@Nedcone you’re Nigerian too?? Awesome!