<p>zoosermom - I'm so happy to hear that! I think it's been that way in my neighborhood since before I had my first child. I work part-time, on a day that my H has off from work, and so he's filled in on my "class mom" role from time to time and never had a problem. And plenty of other dads have done so as well (for their own wives, not for me ;) ). My neighborhood has lots of SAHMs, but there are also plenty of households where both parents work, or where the dad has a job that enables him to be home during the day, so both parents are treated equally for the most part. About the only place I haven't seen much of a dad presence is PTA. I've been pretty active in PTA since the early days, and I've only ever seen one dad who regularly attends meetings/serves on a committee. I'm very sorry that your family experienced cruelty and were left out by the SAHMs in your community, and I'm glad that your community has changed for the better.</p>
<p>Queen's Mom - you're exactly right - we all do what is best for our own families, and nobody should judge anyone else for those decisions.</p>
<p>Queen's Mom: I am sure you are right about your contribution to your daughter's life, and it is wonderful that you had the financial flexibility to do that. It must be so rewarding to see her succeed. Brava.</p>
<p>JHS, while it's true none of my Harvard friends (or even my real life friends) are SAHMs, quite a few stayed home, worked part time, or shared jobs while their kids were small. I stayed home for a year and half with the first. (Which included 6 months paid leave in Germany, and moving to the US and finding a buying a house, and studying for the architecture registration exam in my downtime.) I then worked half time for about six years before setting up my own architectural practice. It was very, very parttime at first, but has slowly grown as the kids have gotten older. Pizzagirl's point about flexibility being important is a good one. It's a huge benefit if one parent can make their own hours and if their hours don't have to be the same as the spouse. I often have to meet clients evenings or weekends, but I could nearly always count on my husband to be around. I could visit job sites during school hours and be home or volunteer at school basically anytime I wanted to.</p>
<p>When my kids were in elementary school I knew many Moms (and a few Dads) who were at home a lot, though many of them were keeping their foot in the door in their professions. They all work full time now. I miss them, we can't get together nearly as much as we did back then.</p>
<p>It's interesting that zoosermom's area had so many more SAHM's. I wouldn't have thought the demographics of where I live and where I believe she lives were that different. :)</p>
<p>I was wondering if anyone would mention that our work and child care decisions sometimes are determined by our children. Children arrive in the world with very different talents and temperaments. Often our plans for careers and child care bear no relationship to our post child choices. This has everything to do with the children of our realities, not those of our imaginations. :)</p>
<p>Very different ethnic and serio-economic group though.</p>
<p>In my town there were many SAHM's, more than among my friends, because with three hospitals in a four mile radius there were many doctors with very long hours so many of the women elected to leave the workforce for quite a while. Many are now working again.</p>
<p>HRSFRM: Very good point. And mine from the realities of shifts in my H's profession too. And some also relate to the fitness of the other parent to parent. Some partners are more skilled than others, and some enjoy it more than others.</p>
<p>My H was absolutely too restless for the hands on part of parenting but he did all the car related chores included shopping and chauffeuring.</p>
<p>So accommodations involve many variables.</p>
<p>
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It's interesting that zoosermom's area had so many more SAHM's. I wouldn't have thought the demographics of where I live and where I believe she lives were that different.
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Well I was pretty clear that I was talking about when my girls were young, which is between 15-20 years ago. I do think we have more NYC uniformed workers than your area does (I THINK), which has an impact. Many, many of the dads at that time were firefighters or police officers who worked funky shifts and had second jobs. It was also possible then to have a nice house in a nice area with that one income. Not so anymore, that's for sure!</p>
<p>HRSFRM: you are absolutely right. Obviously, Queen'smom had to adjust to her child's needs. I had to also. My oldest is very bright, and as such understood a lot that was lost on other children. This meant that he needed a lot of my time to explain the world to him and help him work through the emotionally disturbing information he acquired through reading. Believe me, I tried my best to monitor what his little eyes saw, but it's difficult to censor the world for an inquisitive child. For example, he adored reading the newspaper. I remember when he was 4 years old, he fretted over the Gulf War body counts that were published back then. Now he is the most together and autonomous of my children, but when he was small he needed me a lot. He also had the most separation anxiety of any of my kids. </p>
<p>My second was a child who probably would have thrived in daycare. She was very social, very independent. If I walked one way, she'd walk in the opposite direction. She did not require a lot of supervision with homework either. Now, however, in her teenage years, she's the one who needs a surprisingly large amount of my time, attention, and supervision.</p>
<p>My youngest has special needs. Enough said about that.</p>
<p>I have friends whose kids, when they were small, were like my second. I don't think their mother working impacted them negatively at all. To the contrary, they were probably stimulated by being with other kids in daycare and afterschool. But I also have friends whose kids are or were emotionally fragile or especially needy. I recall one child who needed to visit the school nurse every day for some TLC when her mother worked. For that child, I would have stayed home if at all possible.</p>
<p>
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It's interesting that zoosermom's area had so many more SAHM's. I wouldn't have thought the demographics of where I live and where I believe she lives were that different
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</p>
<p>This was the point that I (albeit badly) was trying to make, I certainly didn't mean to sound trivializing. Where zoosermom lives sounds like where I live. I sacrificed quite alot by going back to work. You become somewhat of a social pariah and it trickles down to the kids.</p>
<p>We are all so different on CC, another example is college choice. So many here aspire to Ivies or LACs. Where I live that is considered kind of strange. What kids and parents strive for are the state flagships.</p>
<p>I definitely found parenting became more challenging as the kids got older. Less caretaking, but more emotional and pragmatic parenting. (I have also found there is no phase of childhood/young adulthood that I dislike -- it has all been an incredible adventure!) Both kids have special educational needs, which have led us away from the neighborhood schools and into programs which are public, but involve long commutes and heavy parental involvement.</p>
<p>I left the workforce for five years after I became seriously ill and have absolutely no regrets. It was more important to me to get my kids successfully launched than make a relatively small amount of $$. I will never be sorry for my choice, even though it almost cost me my marriage. My H did not understand why this was so important to me; he felt I had broken the bargain we made when I got married -- that we would both have careers. </p>
<p>I'm back at work again, part-time. Not entirely thrilled, but it helps pay the tuition. H is putting his money where his mouth is and taking up a lot of the slack so I can get enough rest and not put my health in a precarious position.</p>
<p>TheGFG,</p>
<p>I can still see myself frantically buying a small library of books like The Active Alert Child while my well laid plans for running my horse business with an infant imploded. My daughter did nothing the way the baby books said she should. We adjusted to the child we had, rather than the perfectly scheduled, happily content babies of friends and family. </p>
<p>It was a massive effort at the time, and nothing like what I imagined parenthood would be. Child became my primary job because it was obvious to me that anything else would result in a damaged child. Eighteen years later, the most challenging parts of her baby personality are her greatest strengths. They could have been her greatest weaknesses. I wish our financial circumstances weren't impacted by our choices, but we can't have everything.</p>
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I am sure you are right about your contribution to your daughter's life, and it is wonderful that you had the financial flexibility to do that
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</p>
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I wish our financial circumstances weren't impacted by our choices, but we can't have everything.
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<p>That's the point isn't it...most of us make our own financial choices. When I quit working, I was earning more tan 50% of our family income. Losing that much is not pleasant and was quite a shock to us. Yes, I had flexibility because I had a working spouse. I couldn't do it if I were single, but many other people would never have chosen the lower standard of living we currently have.</p>
<p>Queen's Mom: I didn't mean my comment as a dig or to trivialize your decision. I'm sorry if it came across that way. Perhaps I was just being a bit dreamy. My H is not good with money, although he does earn some. If I had entrusted our family's financial resources to him it would have been disastrous. And that's been painful to me.</p>
<p>I was very fortunate because the profession I chose allowed me to be the kind of parent I wished. It was just a bit stressful.</p>
<p>It's tough to discuss this question, because no matter which decision one has made one is usually a bit conflicted about it and wistful about paths not taken or paths one wishes had been there. And, consequently, a bit prone to defensiveness, and quick to see others' defenses of their choices as an attack on oneself.</p>
<p>Those of us with a Y chromosome are lucky. We get lavish praise for every carpool we drive and PTA meeting we attend, and no one ever seriously suggests that we should have chucked it all so that our kids never had to come home to an empty house or ride a bus.</p>
<p>mythmom-I guess I was not really pointing at you. I know I was lucky. My H makes a good living and, while we are not extremely well off, we are (fairly) comfortable. </p>
<p>I am sensitive because IRL I know people who tell me how lucky I am that I can financially do this while they live in big houses, have cleaning ladies, and fully funded college funds for their kids.</p>
<p>...and I just have to keep my mouth shut.</p>
<p>I guess I just opened it here because I could.</p>
<p>Queen's Mom, </p>
<p>I forcefully kept my mouth shut when some women told me they wished they could afford to stay home with their kids the way I was. I was shopping at resale shops (kids called them "the recycling stores" :) ), driving an old car, spending my day overdosing on bodily functions, etc. They had all the accoutrements+ you described and absolutely no real desire to spend more time with their children. </p>
<p>These women always seemed surprised if I engaged in reasonably intelligent conversation about something other than diapers or feeding children. God forbid if they found out I attended the same women's college they did!</p>
<p>This is by no means a blanket condemnation of women who work full time when their children are small. There is, however, a certain subset I've learned to avoid. They make me crazy, and they do nothing to enhance overall equality for women.</p>
<p>HRSFRM: LOL. My older sister had her first baby only a few months before I did. She lives far away, but the first time she visited with her D, I watched the sweet little thing sit happily in the middle of the floor, cooing, and daintily touching her toys with her pinky. My sister was able to read long novels, watch TV in peace, do elaborate handicrafts, try new recipes all while D played.</p>
<p>My S, on the other hand, resembled Bam-Bam. He'd swipe everything off of tables, bang toys like hammers, pull everything out of drawers, etc. Despite reasonable child-proofing measures, I could never relax or leave him unattended for a single moment. Everyone in the family (and outside it too) admired my sister so much for her domestic accomplishments. They didn't understand why I found parenting so exhausting, whereas for my sister it was a relaxing change from the work world.</p>
<p>Needless to say, not one single craft was ever completed in my house when S was a baby.</p>
<p>Well, I think there are lovely, sensitive women in all walks of life and the other type there too.</p>
<p>I did have some money for college, but my H lost it all with unsound business decisions so I have worked every year AND don't have a cleaning lady, fake nails, a gardener, or vacations. We do eat out. I'll admit that. Less so without the kids around because I don't mind eating soup.</p>
<p>And for me the issue wasn't money, it was trust. I just don't have a partner I could trust by leaving the work force.</p>
<p>That said, again, I have loved my work. And I do have summers off and a month break between semesters. And I am sending each of my children to his/her first choice college as well as funding them a semester abroad. I couldn't go visit with the dollar so weak, but c'est la vie.</p>
<p>I have learned never to judge anyone by his/her station in life. The immigrant women who clean our bathrooms at school are as fully human as some of my colleagues who are married to multimillionaires and walk around with fur. Usually more so. Some of these women had professions in their countries of origin. Others are just grateful to feel their children.</p>
<p>Kudos to all. Discussions about SAHM's, aka Mommy Wars, are often the most contentious subjects on-line after politics, abortion, gun control, and What Was the Cause of the Civil War.</p>
<p>Well done here.</p>