<p>OP, just read your post to inparent, since you’ve only got 4 posts on your profile, I am going to assume you are new to the board. Assume that you are here to learn from the experience on the board, so take in the info other offer and see if it can be applicable to your situation. Many people have been on this board for years and seen many many threads from the perspective of each side. If you and your DH can learn more about and truly understand the point of view of those with the differing viewpoints, you may find yourselves better able to present your side to the exW and DS in such a way that they will perhaps be more understanding.</p>
<p>One other thought on the son. Had his parents stayed married, he would not be in this situation, the divorce and remarriage is messy in this case, but that is not his fault and he is a product of the parenting he has received. Try not to ‘blame’ him too much, he is spending 50-50 time with you and the exW’s family, he is just trying to go to college. This is not his fault. DH & exW chose each other and then moved on, they made it complicated (even if those were all the right decisions, they are the ones who made them) so try not to have an attitude of blame about the kids, they are most likely doing the best they can and are conflicted and confused and frustrated with the hassles.</p>
<p>Of course, i have no idea the day to day hassles between the two parties and I am sure there are many and it may very well be that one is totally right and one is totally wrong, but most likely there are simply different priorities and it is complicated.</p>
<p>Ah, blame it on “bad advice” and a “sugar daddy”. I have a divorce decree, too. I reviewed every word, and have had no surprises about the results. I don’t enjoy them all, but I thought through a lot of scenarios before settling. This is a natural consequence of no cap.</p>
<p>Agree with somemom that loans that are paid off over time is one way to deal with this. However, I doubt the loans could be taken in DS’s name. And if DH takes them out, he is going to have to repay them whether DS graduates or not.</p>
<p>Somemom, I am guessing that communication with the S isn’t a super strong suit, or this situation could have been avoided. The ex-W did not submit this application all by herself without her son’s help…</p>
<p>“We told Dickinson we could not afford it and they were unfazed and accepted him anyway.” Again, it doesn’t matter to Dickinson. They do not need your approval or consent for the boy to attend. They need A parent-- not every parent. If the mom ends up paying and suing your husband for the rest, it’s not Dickinson’s concern. I’m not trying to belabor it-- just want you to understand that the school hasn’t done anything wrong. </p>
<p>As far as who did what, I assume the boy has a good relationship with both parents and they both want to help. Fwiw, (since you mentioned helping him study for his SAT), Dickinson is SAT-optional and the mom may have been leaning that way when he took the test. Of course, she could also be a lousy mom BUT, just so you know, Dickinson is a very nice school. I’ve heard nothing but positive things about it. </p>
<p>Your husband hasn’t paid <strong>any</strong> child support? In my area, even when there’s joint custody, the parent who earns the most pays child support to the other parent. (And that’s parental income-- not family income-- so her rich husband’s income wouldn’t matter.) I’m saying this because it may have been a factor in the decision for your husband to pay half of college and it’s entirely possible that the court would take that into consideration. Plus, it sounds to me like even the calculators put you in the right neighborhood for half of Dickinson. I think you’re just getting the sticker shock that most of us get when we have to pay for college. (Those calculators can be a bit on the low side and few schools agree to meet full need.) I think you may need to consider coughing up the $15K you can and considering a loan for the other $10K.</p>
<p>Looking at this from the stepson’s point of view - he very much wants to go to a school that his parents in total can afford (be thankful for millionaire spouses…) If it were my kid I’d want him to go. </p>
<p>I think the real problem here is the divorce agreement. That is the only thing in this equation that seems wrong. These things can be modified where there are changed circumstances. The wife marrying a rich man and the son deciding to go to an expensive private college are two compelling changed circumstances and I can’t imagine a court not being willing to acknowledge these changes. If I were you I’d place my energies in getting it worked out in court (and having a decent attorney) rather than messing with Dickinson.</p>
<p>And as aside, knowing how much stake kids put in school decisions, calling Dickinson to ask them not to admit your stepson, just seems wrong.</p>
<p>One other thing to confirm is whether stepson is getting any merit aid from Dson. They do give it out to quite a few students, and it doesn’t come at the same time as the acceptance letter. I don’t recall the exact timing, though. Even if he has heard about it, he might not have told his dad/you about it (yet). Worth asking… it brings the cost down for everyone.</p>
<p>Well, I think the OP and her H probably don’t have much leverage on changing the decree. It was probably agreed to by both parties (not dictated by the court). It is pretty much a binding contract, especially once the kid is 18. Very unlikely that a court would intervene at this stage except if one party violated the terms (eg, not paying the tuition).</p>
<p>The fast food places down the street from me are filled with neighborhood kids who end up working there and attending as part time students the local, non-flagship state U campus. The ex-spouses slugged it out in court, paid more in attorney’s fees, and wasted senior year litigating when they could have been working with the kid to find a college that everyone agreed was affordable.</p>
<p>It’s mid December. A few more weeks to find some colleges and finish applications. Otherwise I fear this kid will end up on the 7-8 year plan for college. Which of course is fine. But in the families I know, fighting always seems like a more palatable solution then working it out. And fighting costs money which nobody seems to have when it’s time for tuition, but everyone seems to have when it’s time for more lawyers.</p>
<p>I’m sure everyone in this situation had nothing but good intentions. But don’t send the message to the kid that his needs come last. If the parents were still married, presumably they’d all be sitting around the kitchen table trying to figure out a few affordable options for college, whether merit, need, or some combination of loans and state U. So start talking.</p>
<p>I am sure the Ds completed the application, but most seniors don’t know much about the realities of the financial situation other than Mom & Dad have a nice car or a nice house and they are rich or mom is always complaining about Dad making lots of money, but not kicking in his share. I don’t think very many 18 year olds really “get” the reality of the money situation and how far (or not) a dollar goes.</p>
<p>What are the considerations for turning in other college applications when there is still an ED acceptance on the table?</p>
<p>Somemom, I am wondering if the H actually TOLD the kid exactly how much money he could put in. Some parents do not discuss those details with their kids (lots of parents do not). Again, in this case providing specific information (preferably in writing to the mom and son) would have been a good idea. Wouldn’t have bound them in any way to choose a college in that price range, but then the son would not have been able to say he didn’t know.</p>
<p>By the way, Dickinson has an EA option as well as ED. I suspect that the ex-W (and stepson), for whatever reasons, decided to apply ED instead to force this issue with the OP’s H.</p>
<p>somemom- I agree with you 100% but when the parents are married, they get to explain rationally to their kid that it isn’t prudent to cash out their IRA’s or take a second mortgage to come up with the EFC. And the kid either understands or not, but the parents presumably can use real life examples of why assets intended for retirement can’t be tapped right now even if we wish they could. Or why going without health insurance is a bad idea, even if it saved the family 6K a year which could go towards tuition. </p>
<p>In the divorced situations that I have seen, nobody has those conversations. It’s all about Dad2 “the millionaire” or Mom2 who drives a fancy car, or worse, the new baby or toddler from Dad1 and Mom 2 who is sucking up all the cash that was supposed to go for college. Everyone gets mad. Everyone acts out. And the kid doesn’t get to go to college, even though if the parents had stayed together, they would have all figured out a plan which they could have afforded.</p>
<p>So that’s the sad part. Nobody wants to pay their EFC and everyone knows why someone else should be paying more. That’s just life. But in intact families, most of the time, the grownups act like grownups.</p>
<p>I certainly don’t want to pay my EFC! Like the OP, it is driven up high enough so no financial aid for D because ex-H’s income is also counted, but he does not contribute one cent to college costs (or younger D’s high school fees). But I do it. Because it is the right thing to do for my kids. Means skipping vacations, driving used cars, working a lot more hours with a longer commute than I would like at a client that I am not fond of, packing lunch, no cleaning or yard help, etc. I have also skimped on retirement savings for the past few years.</p>
<p>What’s with the disparagement of Dad1 and Mom2? In this case Mom1 and Dad 2 are “retired” multimillionaires with 3 homes in 3 different states. The “small” home is 5000 square feet. Dad2 is one of the Wall Street guys you can thank for the housing crash. But don’t worry, he’s safe and sound with his $22M golden parachute. I drive a dented minivan. Get it?</p>
<p>My H is still willing to pay a rate more than in-state but just wants to be treated fairly and equitable. It’s disappointing that neither the courts or the institutions are able to help a working family.</p>
<p>I don’t understand how this happened. If your EFC is really between $14,000 and $22,000 then I believe you when you say that you can’t afford half the tuition at Dickinson. Your husband’s ex must know this, so what does she explain that she expects you to pay an amount that you don’t have?</p>
<p>I agree with the tone you need to take from Blossom’s posts. The two families are locked into a very adversarial position right now. There is lots of finger pointing and blaming and accusations about who did what. Can the people involved start working together a little better?</p>
<p>When you’re a multi-millionaire you don’t have to work with anybody. Everybody just does what you say, including your kids (if they don’t want to lose their meal ticket). </p>
<p>The ex does not expect us to pay an amount we don’t have. She expects to sue us for it.</p>
<p>CarolineH – I think your anger may be getting in the way of you making progress. I don’t really think it is fair to blame Dad2 for the housing crash and you are still mad about a concert that your husband’s ex took your stepson to a long time ago.</p>
<p>To be fair, we’re taking your word for the net worth of your husband’s ex-wife. Do you really know what they are worth? I know they have a lot of nice things but many people live a life style they can’t afford.</p>
<p>Is there anyone who could speak to the mother and let her see that if she fights and loses, the son is the one who will suffer? It’s been pointed out that time is running out and it is. Millionaires or not, there is a finite amount of time here and it’s not outside the realm of possibility that the son could be locked out.</p>
<p>Have you and your husband spoken to the son? Or, rather, listened to him? If his heart is set on Dickinson for his own reasons, it doesn’t sound like your husband’s part is impossible. Tough, certainly, but that’s the way of parenting, isn’t it? If the parents were still together, wouldn’t your husband have moved heaven and earth for his son? That should still be the standard. I don’t think it’s right that your husband was left out of the equation. That was wrong and ugly. But someone has to step up and why shouldn’t it be the father? This is his child. If someone did my child wrong, I would do whatever I could to fix it and expect that my husband would do the same. Personally, I would tell my son “if this is what you really want, then this is how it will happen: I will contribute this, you will take your Stafford loans and get a job for spending cash and together we will make this work.” I would also tell my son how much of a hardship it is, how hurt I am at being taken advantage of, but ultimately, I wouldn’t risk permanent harm to my child’s future for a principle.</p>
<p>If your stepson is open to other options, then get a move on finding them right now. Otherwise, shame on all of you for not protecting this minor child and ensuring his future.</p>
<p>intparent, I commend you. I did the same, though only have one child, and he pulled his weight earning @ $10,000/year. </p>
<p>Caroline, is there a legal way (other than divorce) that you can separate your funds from new spouse? I’m sure it is tough on you to share expenses for stepson when your dtr faces college in a few years.</p>
<p>It is unfortunate that this scene gets replayed so often. Even when divorced couples have not remarried, they fight over $5 or 10,000. One of my clients got into his dream ED school, with almost full support, and his mother (from very wealthy family) had him in tears over giving him anything.</p>
<p>Shame on me for not “protecting” my 200lb 17 year-old Sson? Please, the kid drives a Lexus and vacations yearly in the tropics. It might do him some good to earn something for himself for a change or understand that there are other children that need to finish school and aging Grandparents who’s care needs to be considered. Perhaps he may learn something he’s never learned about life by going to a diversified school.</p>