<p>CarolineH, what outcome are you hoping for?</p>
<p>1) Son goes to Dickinson, mother foots bill?
2) Son goes elsewhere?</p>
<p>Or??</p>
<p>
It would definitely do him some good. Which is why I said he should get a job and take responsibility for his own Stafford loans. Those things build character. What I meant by protecting him was to come up with a plan that includes his participation and communicate that to him promptly. If he doesn’t want to do his part, then tough on him. He is old enough to make a choice, but he is not old enough to make a financial plan on behalf of you and your husband.</p>
<p>Caroline, from a mom who has been driving that same dented minivan for so many years I feel for you, I really do. You may find it hard to hear lots of us tell you that we also find it difficult or impossible to pay our kids tuition. The only thing that’s different is that in an intact family there is no ex to blame or no H2 with assets to get agitated about. When we sat down with our kids to figure out this whole college thing it was just me, H, the kids, and our tax returns. Nobody lurking in the shadows-- it all came down to our stupidity or poor planning or “why did we buy stock in that ridiculous internet retailing company in 2000 when we should have been buying Amazon (another ridiculous internet retailer, but the one we bought went belly up and Amazon did not).” And me feeling bad that I turned down a job offer in 1997 which would have meant commuting to London but would have really paid off financially so I could have sent the kids who would have been raised by wolves off to college without feeling any pain. Etc.</p>
<p>So I think a few of us are suggesting that if it’s possible to ignore the ex wife and the new husband at least for now, it might help. You and H are a strong family unit and you’re going to sit down with your stepson and lay out what you can afford to do and identify a couple of colleges where he’s likely to be accepted and then help him apply asap. The elephant in the room of course will be that new H could bridge the gap between what you can pay and where S really wants to go (i.e. Dickinson). But personally I think you lose more than you gain by fighting in court over this. Maybe a judge would compel the ex-wife to pay “fair share”. Maybe not. In the meantime, your stepson is pining over Dickinson which in my mind is a real longshot right now, ED acceptance notwithstanding. You are not likely to persuade a Financial Aid officer (who makes 75K and is saving to put his own kid through college some day) that your situation requires a “special circumstance” grant to bridge your gap. You will not change Dickinson’s policy that it doesn’t care which parent comes up with the cash as long as someone does by August 1st or the kid can’t enroll. And sadly, based on the facts you’ve presented here plus my reading between the lines, you are unlikely to persuade the boy’s mom and stepdad to write the big check, with your statesmanlike calm and desire to do what’s best for the child.</p>
<p>So if you want your blood pressure to go down, and to really help your stepson, pull up a chair and get cracking on a list of merit only schools where his stats put him in the top 20% and have him get going on those dreaded essays.</p>
<p>Surely you can see that your S is not the one who decides where to vacation and how much to spend. So don’t blame the kid that his mom has decided to spend money on things like vacations and not on college. That’s on her- not on the teenager. And I know that in your heart you realize that if your stepson doesn’t get to college the one who will suffer is the stepson- not the mom, not the new H.</p>
<p>I have no trouble with a plan which outlines for the kid how much skin he’ll need to have in the game- loans, work, keeping his GPA high enough to keep his merit awards if he gets any. But putting the blame on the kid that his mom is living the high life is beneath you. Truth be told- he didn’t break up the marriage; he didn’t make his mom marry a high-roller; and if he’s like most kids, he’s probably rather eat macaroni and cheese with an intact family vs. eating filet mignon with the divorced and dueling adults he’s got.</p>
<p>You are splitting the cost after merit money and your stepson’s loans, right? Rather than the sticker price?</p>
<p>zmom, I think they are legally bound to pay wherever he goes per the divorce decree that OP’s H agreed to. What the OP seems to think will happen is that son will attend, mom will step up and pay for the moment if dad does not, then sue dad for the half he is supposed to pay per the divorce decree. I doubt the son plans to take out any loans at this point, and I suspect the mom would step in and try to stop it if OP’s H tried to get the kid to do so.</p>
<p>Blossom, I totally agree, the communication is tough enough when you have a solid family, because really really, the first time, you don’t know what aid you will get. Heck, i recall well the dismal state of offers from Profile schools, a top school offering $25k sounds amazing, that is a letter giving a $100k scholarship (they called it that) until you think about the $55k COA and if you qualify for $25k in aid plus Pell etc, how are you going to come up with the difference. The loans were a finaid offer, but not smart.</p>
<p>I think the slap in the face reality check of finaid is tough, I remember it strongly and do my best to help others along the path to not have that surprise. I wish I had known with #1 what I know now!</p>
<p>Then to deal with that reality check in the face of divorce and new families further complicates it all. We have made education our highest priority for the past decade and we are relieved to be done, though the kids are taking some loans for grad school. We need a breather to do some things for ourselves, but hope to put some sold money toward their loans, but even so, despite being in complete agreement on our priorities, we are enjoying not paying any tuition this years, I can only imagine how tough it is when complicated by divorce and remarriage.</p>
<p>OP, you might check out the FAFSA formula:</p>
<p><a href=“http://ifap.ed.gov/efcformulaguide/attachments/111609EFCFormulaGuide20102011.pdf[/url]”>http://ifap.ed.gov/efcformulaguide/attachments/111609EFCFormulaGuide20102011.pdf</a></p>
<p>If your EFC is more than around $5k you will not be in the running for PELL. Do you have a state grant in your state? Do you know the levels for that? Do you qualify? Have you completed a FAFSA? </p>
<p>I think that if you do the FAFSA and qualify for the Pell you would still get it, even if the Profile with the exW does not give a low EFC. Perhaps you should do the FAFSA just to be certain you maximize aid? Do you know about merit aid? Have you spoken to the finaid dept to determine how their formula works?</p>
<p>I would try to gather all the info I can whilst working out the details, perhaps it is not as bad as you think? For instance if their COA is $50k and DS gets a $20k merit award, you are then only at risk for $15k, doable and not worth a legal war.</p>
<p>
Depending on the wording of the decree, the mother may have no leg to stand on there.</p>
<p>Also, if dad and stepmom say they will accommodate the choice under that circumstance, the mother would be a fool to go to court and probably lose. There wouldn’t be a lot of sympathy in this economy for a kid who refuses a skin in the game or the mother who would stop him from getting one.</p>
<p>@CarolineH – I would also like to weigh in as someone who feels a great deal of sympathy for your situation. It is extremely frustrating to interact with people who are very wealthy and at the same time quite stingy. Personally, I don’t get it, but whatever, it’s their life.</p>
<p>Take a breath, take care of yourself, and do your best to let your point of view in this situation be a reasoned one.</p>
<p>Amom, the courts don’t really care once the kid reaches 18… why would you think she would lose? The dad agreed, signed the decree. The legal facts seem pretty clear to me. The mom can probably afford a very good attorney, too.</p>
<p>the fact that they have not paid child support might be used as leverage against them. I’m not sure why anyone is mentioning Pell Grants. The OP said she has done online calculators and their online EFC puts them within shooting distance of half full-pay at Dickinson’s (without going back, I think she wrote $14K-$22K depending on the calculator which I take to mean FM and IM)-- which means it isn’t out of the range of what colleges expect. It’s just that colleges expect soooooo much and the equation worked out by her husband may not seem very fair to her child. It’s very difficult when there are other half and step children involved.</p>
<p>I do feel for OP and the kid´s father. I don´t agree with what the mother did, and I do believe she is sticking it to her ex. The way she sees it is that the divorce agreement said they are each to pay for half of the son´s education, without a cap. Since the mother has no financial issue, and probably wants the best of what money could buy for her son, so she signed the ED agreement. She is figuring - we could afford to pay for the son´s tuition by ourselves, if the ex refuses to pay, we will pay, and then go to court to get the other half from the ex. The mother is not going to just pay for half, and wait for the ext to pay the other half. She is going to pay 100% (agreement she signed with the school), then she is going after the ex (based on the agreement they have) in court to claim the other half.</p>
<p>This doesn´t sit right with me because if they were still together, they would have discussed it and came to an agreement together. In this case, one parent is making all the decision and forcing the other parent to pay for it. It is only happening because they are divorced and one parent has a deeper pocket.</p>
<p>I am not a lawyer, so I don´t know if the court would make the father pay, but he will need to spend money in court to get out of this.</p>
<p>I would sit down with the son to explain your position to him, make sure he knows that it´s not that you don´t want to pay for his education, it´s because you can´t afford it.</p>
<p>I don’t know if the support issue will matter. I am guessing the decree says 50/50 on expenses from what the OP says. If they have done that with no issues over the years, then it won’t make any difference. The kid probably splits time between houses, each parent pays the expenses while he is there, and any expenses (like sports fees) are split. I think the OP is just saying that neither side pays a monthly amount to the other. Probably when they divorced, their incomes were similar.</p>
<p>Oldfort, it is possible that there is more history here than we know. I’d like to hear the mom’s side of this. It is possible that the ex-H has pulled stuff of his own in the past, and this is just the latest in a long line of abuses on both sides.</p>
<p>The whole college financial aid situation does not do a good job of dealing with situations such as this. The calculators assume that the entirety of the ex-wife’s household worth is available for the S’s college. Perhaps it could be argued in a court case that the ex’s household income is skewing the results, and she should pay a more equitable share based on this.</p>
<p>Definitely a poor agreement was signed by the ex husband.</p>
<p>In our case, my husband (the stepfather) is helping me pay for S’s college, while my ex contributes nothing. I don’t think that’s fair either, but I’ve come to terms with it and moved on.</p>
<p>intparent - I think you could be right. I was going to say at the end…If I were the father, and I could possibly afford it, I would just pay for it. It is not worth all the ill well it could generate for many years to come.</p>
<p>Intparent, from this “After all, of the three people responsible for the kid’s education (his mother, his father, and the child himself) the only one who’s actually earning the money” I get that the dad is the only one working. Around here-- even if the mom had married a millionaire-- the dad would have to pay child support. I agree with you that the agreement is what it is; but if they haven’t had to pay each other child support over the years and his EFC comes out to $14K-$22K, then there may be little sympathy in court to try to get a modification of an agreement.</p>
<p>Caroline, I just noticed something when I went back. You wrote that hte EFC is $14K-$22K and then that would be split with the other parent. Where do you get that from? If you put in your data on the online calculators, you will come up with an EFC just for you. That doesn’t get split. Anyway, even for colleges that meet need, your actual calculated contribution is likely to be more than that. If you are coming up near $22k, you have an upper middle class income and colleges assume you have saved and will be willing to take out loans to finance it. Realize that if the combined families would be eligible for financial aid, the college would first estimate the student will work in the summer and take out a student loan. So, frankly, I’m not sure your family would be eligible for any financial aid with only one in college. </p>
<p>What has the attorney said? And is there something you can do to plan for YOUR daughter and his next child? It sounds to me like there should have been savings all along if this was in the decree.</p>
<p>I don’t understand why “fair” is more for the mom? It seems like you are really bitter/jealous about the money. The truth is that if you can afford to pay 1/2 of Dickinson…or at least close(22k). You just don’t want to. Her husband having more money doesn’t make your husband less of a dad. What is the plan for paying for your child? He agreed to pay half…be happy and proud and pay your half. You might have to sacrifice lifestyle or take a loan for a portion. Do it. The ramifications of you choosing not to will be for a lifetime and you are painting yourself as the typical stepmonster. Maybe pay the 22k and have kid get loans for the rest of your half. You seem like you don’t want to sacrifice for his kid. Well, that was the deal when you got married. Now you want to change it because his mother married someone rich. What if she was struggling…would you pick up her slack? I don’t think so and you shouldn’t expect them to pick up yours</p>
<p>Perhaps this is a “real world” example about the possible pitfalls of divorce agreements that are to be included in the decrese that address possibly big ticket items and provide that the parents go halves without some sort of cap/mutual agreement/deadlock mechanism in place.</p>
<p>The addition of the exs’ new spouses to the mix often doesn’t help either.</p>
<p>Despite what has been said…THE DIVORCE DECREE CAN BE MODIFIED. The circumstances have changed. When the original DD was in place, financial aid was an option. Now with the re-marriage and influx of $$ in Mom 1/Dad2 household, FA is no longer possible placing undue hardship on D1/Mom2. Now since courts only order support based on Mom 1 & Dad 1 income, it is critical that Dad 1 Attorney drive the point home that the financial aid profiles use Dad 2’s income and therefore making the outcome bad for Dad 1. I don’t care that Mom 1 is delaying the court. Push the issue through the attorney. Delays of over 60 days should not fly with the court.</p>
<p>Editted to say…if Mom 1 keeps delaying, and Dad 2 simply can’t pay, then Mom 1 will have to pony up and “sue” later but based on what I said above, if a judge has any brain, she will not recover anything.</p>
<p>I feel sorry for the kid stuck in the middle of this mess. Fancy cars and tropical vacations are nice but they don’t fill the void left by bitter parents.</p>
<p>What would be nice is if Dickinson could bill each party for their share of the EFC but I guess it doesn’t work that way.</p>
<p>If this student lives with his mother and her millionnaire husband…then THEY are the custodial parents and the income and assets of both of them will go on this student’s FAFSA form…if he applies to any FAFSA only schools. Unlikely he will qualify for aid there either.</p>
<p>Does he live with the OP and her husband (father and stepmother) or does he live with the mom and millionnaire step dad?.</p>
<p>You need to check your state laws. In our state, the MAXIMUM a divorced parent can be required to pay in a divorce decree is their share of the cost of attending an instate public university.</p>