<p>"The point of the hissy fit seems to be that the father and stepmother made it clear from the beginning of the process that they could not afford to pay half of a private college and the mother (and maybe the son) went ahead and pursued ED at a private college anyway. "</p>
<p>^^ If the FAFSA EFC is $22K, Dad can afford half the COA a private college ($50K/2 = $25K) - - but he doesn’t want to pay that much. It is no at all uncommon, even at schools that don’t “gap,” for families to disagree with the school’s calculation. And in that regard, OP’s financial situation is no different than that faced by thousands of families who that that who wish the schools calculations had been more in-sync with their own.</p>
<p>I understand OP’s concern about SS2 and years when the two boys overlap, since even by FAFSA or applying a CSS institutional method of calculating EFC, $50k would be beyond her family’s reach. But that is not the current situation; why not pay what is reasonable for SS1 and then seek some modification in anticipation of SS2’s enrollment in college.</p>
<p>I’m doing college counseling with a family this year where the divorced parents are the poster children for putting the drama aside and focusing on the student’s best interests. Frankly, this pair of parents is easier to work with and has fewer internal conflicts than some married couples I’ve advised. We’ve actually had meetings with the four of us that consist solely of talking about college, essays, and what’s good for the student’s future, without a single snippy insult or eye-roll passing between the parents. I know that it can’t be easy for them, and I really respect how much both sides prioritize the child.</p>
<p>LOL. Cooperating for the common goal of the child is a heck of a lot easier than what OP is going through.</p>
<p>There is a little secret buried here. Anger takes its toll on everyone. When exs and steps let the anger go, it is easier and more healthy. AND, when everyone forgets about “prevailing,” things can go a lot easier than in a marriage of the parents. Now there are 3 or 4 adults sharing the parenting. The parents even get “time off” when the kid is with the other one.</p>
<p>Also, at some point it gets to be funny to watch how others react to the exs and spouses being in each others presence and behaving. The father of the woman I married after the divorce loved to go to band concerts, student plays etc. A lot of the time the support group for our S at these events would include step grandfather, exs and new spouse. We always sat together and my wife’s father and my ex became very close. </p>
<p>People who didn’t know we all got along would do this weird dance to make sure they spent equal social time with both “sides” like we were going to go to fist city if they weren’t careful.</p>
<p>I don’t see how anyone reading the posts from CarolineH can come to any conclusion other than the ex-wife is trying to make life miserable for her ex-husband. She is unquestionably bitter, and would be better served by being a bit dispassionate about the subject, but her bitterness is understandable. There appears to be no question that son and ex-wife agreed to apply to Dickenson without asking/accepting dad’s input regarding cost. I would be willing to bet that step-dad has told ex-wife (and perhaps SS) that he will foot the bill, whatever it is. I agree that if step-dad were particularly magnanimous he might also tell dad that he was willing to do so, but I feel certain that ex-wife wants to make her ex-husband go to court first.</p>
<p>In the absence of step-dad saying that he won’t pay for Dickenson (if the Court does not order ex-husband to pay 1/2), the kid is going to Dickenson. Despite all of the CCers who want the kid to have “some skin in the game”, I doubt that he will (and the Court is certainly not going to order him to take out loans or get a job).</p>
<p>Lastly, Calmom said:</p>
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</p>
<p>If fact in the OP’s opening post, she said:</p>
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</p>
<p>That is not as good as perhaps putting this in writing last spring when the kid was looking at colleges, but August had to have been well-before he finished his application to Dickenson. Mom (but perhaps not son) has been well-aware of ex-husbands concern about college costs and their “agreement” since at least August. Nonetheless, she signed off on the ED agreement for Dickenson. BTW, I see no legal or moral justification for breaking the ED agreement unless step-dad says that he will not pay more than 1/2 of the cost up front.</p>
This has been a pretty intersting thread to me at least. I knew that only one parent is needed to sign an ED agreement (as I did with our oldest) … I hadn’t really thought about the implication if the parents (divorced or not) do not agree about that choice for an ED application … as long as one parent signs the student can apply.</p>
<p>I have no idea what the requirement is to get out of ED … certainly the student can cancel an ED agreement. Can a parent disagreeing with the student? Can the parent who is not the one who signed the ED agreement? I have no idea. I have no idea if the OP’s husband has standing to cancel his son’s ED agreement without some help from either his son or ex-wife. Does anyone know? (I could guess but it would be based on no actual knowledge of any school’s specific rules).</p>
<p>Dickinson uses the Common App ED Decision form. It requires “signature of parent or legal guardian”. In this case, the student is under 18. I don’t know if the rules would vary if they are 18 or older (the form does not have anything about only needing the parent to sign if 18 or older).</p>
<p>I don’t think colleges publish the true details of the policy for letting students out of ED, so unless we have someone who has worked in an admissions office on this thread, we will only have specific examples or speculation. They probably have rules, and expand them every time something like this causes them a headache. They may not be consistent in how they apply whatever rules they do have, too (since the details are not public knowledge). We need Wikileaks to find out the truth! Just kidding…</p>
<p>Every kid applying to college needs to know about the financial landscape and any parameters that could affect where he or she applies. Parents ( whether married or divorced) are remiss if they don’t do so. If the father’s position is that he can’t afford more than half of a state school COA, the time to have discussed this was in the junior year. Was there any father/son talk about college applications he was doing? Then there could be talk along the lines of “Sorry, but I can’t really afford my half of Davidson.”</p>
<p>To wait until NOW to discuss finances? Very lame…</p>
It sounds as if the father was clear in opposing the ED application to Dickinson. If that’s the case, his wishes should have been respected and a group of options to compare should have been sought.</p>
<p>Canceling the ED Agreement with Dickenson appears to be a “non-starter”.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Mom has agreed to the ED Agreement (presumably with the consent of step-dad) and Dickenson has accepted son ED despite dad telling Dickenson to wait until the Court decides support. Presumably, mom is able to call the shots as far as Dickenson is concerned and based on that, I assume that mom can unilaterally agree with son to accept the ED acceptance.</p></li>
<li><p>Assuming step-dad has agreed to advance the entire cost up front (to be partially reimbursed by dad according to whatever the court decides), there is no economic justification for canceling the ED Agreement.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>As I said way back in the begining of this thread, ED is not the issue. Have no fear, someone will post a question about how to break an ED Agreement within the next few weeks and if you want to chime in on that one, have at it.</p>
<p>Why should any application to Dickinson have been on the table? Sending in the RD application doesn’t change the fact that it is unaffordable to the father. Trying to resolve this through the court system in August of senior year was magical thinking.</p>
<p>I pity the kid…what could be the happiest time of his life is marred by great uncertainty. Bummer…</p>
If it were one of a group of options, perhaps the family would have had some incentive to communicate and come up with a solution acceptable to all. The ED application did nothing so much as alienate the father. Who is the winner here?</p>
<p>The OP hasn’t said if finances were discussed with son directly, but she has said that husband went to Court to modify/clarify the Agreement regarding college costs back in August. It is possible that son did not know by then, but I think it unlikely. Perhaps some of the attitude that OP has towards her SS is that even if dad said he couldn’t afford Davidson, the son may have said I don’t care. Mom and step-dad have presumably told the kid he can go to school wherever he wants and that he doesn’t have to worry about the costs. The question is: Has anyone told son that mom is going to sue dad for 1/2 of whatever the costs are?</p>
<p>As a child of divorced parents, I have almost no sympathy for anyone in this case except for the mother who now has to pay for an ED school she did not agree to. I wanted to apply my top choice ED because it’s ED acceptance rate is several times the RD rate (my top choice is Penn). In September and October, which is when I needed to get my application materials through guidance, my parents hadn’t resolved how they will split the costs of my education. In fact, they still haven’t, and right now I’m just hoping for good merit money from my safeties so I can go to college altogether (despite the fact our income is high enough that we don’t qualify for any aid from even the Ivies) Therefore, I didn’t apply ED, which probably will cost me getting into my top choice school. It hurts, but it’s better than having to go behind my parents backs or getting in then having to break the ED contract.</p>
<p>The son NEVER should have applied ED without the approval of the parent who’s paying half. It’s unconscionable, and if I were the Dickinson adcom, this would definitely send red flags about the student’s maturity. </p>
<p>I feel for the family because I’m really in the same boat-- my mom is adamant that I’ll go to any college I get into, and my dad is adamant that I go to Rutgers on what I pray is generous scholarship money. Until this year when I told them I planned applying early, I had no idea even that there would be this problem, and if I had known, I would have spent my college search focusing on private schools with good merit aid rather than only looking at top-teir schools (and I probably would have spent more time with friends instead of studying as well). For all divorced parents (or any parents)-- be transparent with your kid about the financial situation of their education. It’s a nasty shock to realize that after working your ass off for four years, your parents won’t be able or willing to pay for a school you might get in.</p>
<p>The mom is clearly leading the charge here. I would bet dad and stepmom only found out this summer that the DS was planning to ED Dickenson and their input was being ignored. All these assumptions that the kid was not told in time have no basis.</p>
<p>Bandgeek, I wouldn’t necessarily lay any blame on the son. I’m guessing his mom told him to apply and money would not be an issue.</p>
<p>The mother has obviously decided to pay for the full amount of the schooling and then to take her chance in court to get back whatever amount. I’m sure that is what the attorney told the school when they called them, and I’m sure the school understands this.</p>
<p>I’m not exactly sure why this is a “bad” thing. </p>
<p>The courts will decide what the father owes in this case. The mother is willing to “risk” it. I’m positive the student wasn’t consulted in the case of the divorce, and I don’t know why he should be expected to diminish his life’s happiness for the father’s economic sake, when he has other options. The courts will determine the “right” thing, as they do in the case of divorce.</p>
<p>Bandgeek, it is not too late to research and apply elsewhere. If you do and get some good scholarship money, you will NOT be sorry you studied so much! In fact, the school we are discussing, Dickinson, offers up to 20K a year in merit aid to top students. My D is there, and is having a great experience! :)</p>
<p>Why would the son be interested in this? He wants to go to school and get an education, not get involved in legal bickering between his divorced parents.</p>
<p>I find it amazing that millionaire stepdad or not, the son has not stepped up to the plate to assume some responsibility for his college expenses. Even if he knew his dad was responsible for “half” (however it’s defined), it would demonstrate some maturity and level-headedness to say, “I realize Dickinson is expensive. I am willing to take out Staffords and get a part-time job to help cover some of the expense.” If the young man has been splitting his time between parents, he obviously knows that his dad has a lot on his plate.</p>
<p>Clearly I am of the school of “skin in the game” regardless of parental EFC. Entitlement doesn’t sit well with me.</p>
<p>There are at least five people involved in this drama: the divorced couple, their new spouses, and the son. The divorce agreement has a nonspeaking role. We are reading posts from exactly 20% of the cast. So I don’t see how any of us can come to ANY conclusions about what’s going on.</p>
<p>In an RD decision where the family is trying to see if the money can work out–perhaps a parent’s job instability will be resolved in a couple weeks, or a scholarship decision from another college will be made–it’s possible to ask the adcoms for an additional grace period. For ED, that’s impossible if the student hasn’t filed other applications. OP, if by any chance you’re still reading: if your SS has applied elsewhere already, have him appeal to Davidson for a grace period during which the family can make a decision. </p>
<p>If the SS hasn’t yet submitted other apps, or is unable to get an extension–time to fish or cut bait. He can gamble on the adults coming to an agreement, possibly including loans for the SS. Or he can have Davidson release him from the ED agreement so that he can apply elsewhere.</p>
<p>Then the divorced couple can figure out how they’re going to handle matters when their younger child is ready to apply to college.</p>
<p>If the student isn’t able to pay the bills at his ED college, then it really doesn’t matter if he cancels the ED agreement or not. He won’t be able to attend.</p>
Just kidding…</p>