<p>A commitment to fund “college” is not necessarily a commitment to fund <em>any</em> college.</p>
<p>Why do the posters in every single thread on the Parents forum either judge the OP extremely harshly or accuse the OP of being a ■■■■■? Like what do you get out of berating strangers on the internet?</p>
<p>"A commitment to fund “college” is not necessarily a commitment to fund <em>any</em> college. "</p>
<p>Correct. As we keep saying, it depends on what he signed but the OP hasn’t responded to questions clarifying what the divorce decree says nor what the attorney has said. As I wrote before, he is responsible for half of something-- but we don’t have enough information to decide what the something is. It could be half of tuition of an instate or of any college. It could be half of billable expenses. It could be half of COA for an instate or half COA for any college. Who knows? She seems to think it could be half of Dickinson and people are responding to that.</p>
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<p>Well, in this thread you see every possible bias - people bashing the mom, people supporting the mom, soak the new guy (he’s rich, after all), make the husband live up to his agreement, the husband was too stupid to know what he agreed to, etc. That’s what happens without facts; people simply fill in the blanks and begin to pontificate. It’s amazing to watch.</p>
<p>The only thing we really know is that the divorcees are fighting, and the stepmom is angry about the situation. For facts, we have a partial story from one point of view.</p>
<p>But added to that, the posts of the stepmom come off as very bitter and angry – she does not ever express any concern or post anything positive about the step-son. She’s badmouthing the ex-wife, and she’s bad mouthing the kid (and she’s even badmouthing at least one longstanding CC poster who had the temerity to disagree with her).</p>
<p>Obviously the kid is a reasonably good student, given that he has been accepted to a reputable college – I have nieces and nephews who I have barely any contact with, and I’ve got more of a sense of pride in seeing whatever the accomplish for themselves than this poster who claims to have had this young man living essentially half-time in her house for who knows how many years.</p>
<p>It’s pretty common on CC for parents to be frustrated over the costs of a college education, and to wonder whether a private education is worth the extra cost over public. But usually the problem is framed in term of what would be best for the kid – as parents who do care about their kid’s futures strive to find the right balance between “best” and “affordable”. </p>
<p>So my reaction comes from two extra facts: (1) By her own posts, OP is obviously hostile; (2) OP does not seem concerned about the welfare of the kid whose interests are at the heart of this dispute. </p>
<p>I chose not to remarry after divorcing in part because I never wanted to risk being in the situation where some new spouse was trying to dictate to me the decisions I might make in respect to my own kids, especially when it came to finances. I don’t think two parents can ever really get “divorced” in any case – no matter what, they are still co-parents to their offspring. I think this issue needs to be resolved between the parents and not the step-parents. So I really can’t have much sympathy for any step-parent who is trying to inject himself or herself into this situation.</p>
<p>I can’t disagree with your thinking, calmom, and I don’t think you’re bashing her at all. She’s bitter and angry, and she presented herself poorly. Her focus of concern is not her stepson, but the bad financial situation that she didn’t anticipate. Her own explanation is incomplete and incoherent; she may not even have all the facts. That’s all in her posts; she’s very upset.</p>
<p>But none of this necessarily makes her wrong (or right). She might be the victim of unforeseeable circumstances, or the ex-wife scheming against her husband, or her husband’s poor disclosure and/or poor decisions, or a bad lawyer. She might be collateral damage from the ongoing post-divorce wars. She could just as easily be the victim of her own poor personal planning; perhaps she didn’t think the second marriage through from a financial standpoint. College sticker shock can be quite an experience.</p>
<p>The divorced couple needs to settle their issues. But I have no idea which of the four participants deserves sympathy - the answer could range from all to none.</p>
<p>I agree with that – we really don’t know the whole situation. </p>
<p>But as I’ve posted above, the situation as portrayed has some relatively easy solutions, without too much histrionics. The worst case scenario is that the 2 parents can’t agree and they have to go to court to litigate it. If in fact the equities are on the side of the father, then there’s a fairly high likelihood of a ruling they would be happy with. Most judges do their best to be fair, and these sort of issues (which parent should pay how much for what) come up all the time in family court. </p>
<p>I mean, I understand the issue… I just don’t see the point of the hissy fit, and I do think we are hearing from the wrong person. Again…it’s a matter to be settled between the parents, not their spouses.</p>
<p>The point of the hissy fit seems to be that the father and stepmother made it clear from the beginning of the process that they could not afford to pay half of a private college and the mother (and maybe the son) went ahead and pursued ED at a private college anyway. Anger and bitterness are probably not out of line.</p>
<p>I agree that many facts are missing, but the willingness of posters here to bash a stranger without the facts is shocking.</p>
<p>Evil stepmothers are the target of the day. </p>
<p>That’s a sad reason to not have remarried calmom, It’s quite possible to choose a spouse that will not dictate to you. Your ongoing assumption that the stepmother is dictating here and that the father would really like to pay for the private college is curious and seems to be an extremely biased view based on your personal experience.</p>
<p>Like many here Caroline is venting. She’s in an expensive house to live in her step children’s school district and has 3 more kids and a live in MIL to worry about while her DH’s ex wife is trying to force her to pay for a college she and her DH have repeatedly said they can’t afford. They have every right to say that, many here can not and/or do not want to pay their EFC. Moreover, it’s precedent setting and the situation will get out of hand if not dealt with.</p>
<p>When facts are absent, you’d think we’d give the OP the benefit of the doubt. Instead she’s been branded an evil stepmother. A bio mom with the same vent would have been hugged and supported here. Nothing she said made me think she has no affection for her stepson. I can see how it would be a trial to share custody with a household in which the son has so many luxuries that he can lose perspective about money.</p>
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<p>Right, and she’ll pay for it if the father is unwilling to pay a full half share of the cost, and she can’t convince the court to order it.</p>
<p>All the father had to do was to state his objection early on, in writing, in a brief and objective way, and he would be very strong going into any court hearing on the matter. He would established a record that he did not agree to those costs, and if there is ambiguity in the terms of the dissolution agreement, it is likely that the court would give him the benefit of the doubt in those circumstances. </p>
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<p>I’m assuming that the father is acting in good faith and that he loves his son, having no evidence to the contrary. </p>
<p>I do have evidence that the stepmother is hostile and angry based on the words she has used in her posts. I did not call her “evil”. Maybe if she had been more measured and respectful in her tone I’d feel differently. But this isn’t her battle and there’s no evidence whatsoever that the husband/father can’t take care of things on his own.</p>
<p>I hate to even join this discussion but here are my two cents.</p>
<p>It seems to me that the boy’s father should say he will pay the amount that would be half the cost of attendance for their in-state public school.</p>
<p>Ii think that if the boy’s mother sued him to try to get more than that from him, she would lose. I think that if the mother says, “If you don’t pay $27K freshman year, I will sue you,” he should say, “Go ahead.”</p>
<p>I said $27K because I am guessing the COA at Dickenson is about 54K and the COA at the in state public is about 20K (10K Room and Board and 10K tuition and fees and books).</p>
<p>Mom pays half of Dickenson (27K) - what she thinks she should pay.
Dad pays half of in state public (10K) - what he thinks he should pay.
17K left freshman year.
If son really, really wants to go to Dickenson, son pays some of this 17K/year with his own earnings and borrows some. Perhaps he takes a semester or a year off to work and save money so he does not have to borrow so much, or perhaps millionaire stepfather steps in and foots some of the bill.</p>
<p>If son does not want to take on the 17K/year differential, he should look at in-state publics and other schools that would be inexpensive for him because they’d give him in-state tuition and or merit aid.</p>
<p>It would be nice if the boy’s father were saying something like this and if a neutral party like a guidance counselor was discussing this with the son.</p>
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<p>This is nasty and really uncalled for.</p>
<p>As for kids of divorce, I can tell you, both H and I had divorced parents with horrendously selfish steps, there is nothing worse than when the stepparent is making the decisions.</p>
<p>This is for the father and the mother to decide, and the courts. So often people marry people who already have children and then set about acting as if these children and the expense of these children is some sort of hardship, even though they knew it all along.</p>
<p>The mother will probably pay the cost of tuition and sue for whatever the father doesn’t pay, and she will get what she gets. And, then, maybe she will come on here and talk about paying for her kids’ college with very little support from the father…etc…And we will have another thread.</p>
<p>The dad should tell the ex-wife (if this is even something HE cares about) that he will pay for half of the state flagship coa. Then, he will just have to take his chances in the courts.</p>
<p>I sincerely hope the son is not being subjected to this bickering. It is bad enough to have divorced parents, let alone petty steps.</p>
<p>I’m sorry but when did teens become entitled to their parents footing the bill for whatever school they choose? Or even paying for the most expensive school the parents could afford? My parents got divorced: my mom is going to contribute nothing to my college tution and my dad said he will contribute just a little over what my private high school costs. Could they both give more, maybe even enough for me to go to my dream school (which costs about 45k a year)? I think so. Am I upset about that? Heck no! My dad and step mom are offering to pay for most of my education (at a public university) AND support me for 4 more years when they don’t have to. I’ve known lots of friends whose parents turn them out the first day they turn 18 and tell them they can’t come back till they’ve got a job. </p>
<p>When I applied to colleges, my dad let me apply to the expensive ones just as long as I knew that I better have an acceptance to a cheap, public college if I didn’t get any scholarships. That’s not what the OP’s kid did. He didn’t wait to see what scholarships he’d get or find other options. He applied ED, committing his parents to pay money they don’t have. However, I’m guessing the bio-mom had more to do with this, knowing she could pay 100% if her son needed and then legally squeeze her ex for 25k a year he doesn’t have.</p>
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Well, that’s exactly the point, isn’t it? The spouse here has gotten all sorts of good suggestions, but since she’s completely powerless in the situation (because, as you said, it’s between the parents) she can’t bring them into play. I wouldn’t be too keen on being powerless on big things in my life. This does involve the spouses of both parents and both should be treated with respect. It’s pretty outrageous to demand a long-term commitment from someone out of one side of the mouth and then marginalize that person out of the other side. I also don’t think saying the son should get a job is an attack on him and, frankly, that’s almost the only thing she said about him personally. I gave birth to my kids and believe wholeheartedly that a job is a good thing and that they are spoiled brats.</p>
<p>Yes, and children of divorced parents pay FAR more of their own educational expenses than those of married parents. I paid my own way. </p>
<p>Not what I was promised growing up, and the reason I saved enough (in my kids names) during the first five years of their lives to make absolutely certain they would never be put in that position.</p>
<p>Children of divorced parents drop out because of expenses and take longer to finish college because of expenses than those of married parents, as well. The facts are really rather astonishing. And these people brought these kids into the world, and I really don’t care all that much that they couldn’t stay married. They still have kids.</p>
<p>My solid guess is that the reason the kid doesn’t care is because the mother has assured him that no matter what happens she will pay for college and she will figure it out in the courts with the father. I’m sure the step father couldn’t care less about paying the tuition and seeing what happens.</p>
<p><a href=“http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/12/101209101505.htm[/url]”>http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/12/101209101505.htm</a></p>
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<p>My H and I have always been true partners when it comes to decisions about his children (as I said in post #129, they are now adults), because those decisions affect me. The research mentioned above does not apply to us. We contributed the same as my H would have contributed had he still been married to his first wife (who earned basically the same income as he did). I come from an “intact” family, and for what it’s worth, I ended up having to pay student loans my parents never warned me about; they just dropped that bombshell the month I graduated, and boy was I upset. There are far too many assumptions being made and stereotypes being perpetuated here. I understand that the OP sounds extremely negative. But there so much anger against stepparents and noncustodial parents. How do we know the real complexity of the OP’s situation? There are plenty of “good” stepparents out there. Hasn’t anyone ever met one? Let’s get back to the original problem, which is more about parental communication and the risks of ED and the intricacies of financing a college education than it is about stepmothers.</p>
<p>zoosermom: Thank you for being a moderating and rational voice.</p>
<p>It’s true that this thread has become a bit of a Rorschach test for all of our assumptions about blended families. That’s part of the reason that in addition to posing an interesting problem, it’s a good read.</p>
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<p>Maybe, except for the nasty post about menopausal first wives, which the OP made. I wonder what bearing that has on ED and the intricacies of financing a college education.</p>
<p>I’m sure there are many great step parents out there. </p>
<p>You say the thread is about one thing, but I say it is also a thread about the issues kids face in the situation where there has been a divorce. It is “really” about ED and divorce, not about ED.</p>
<p>I’d like to have a show on hands. Those who have divorced and have worked with the ex to provide the same college support for the children of the former marriage without an Agreement Incident to Divorce or a court order, raise your hands.</p>
<p>I am raising my hand and that of my ex in abstentia. Reading this thread would make one wonder if any exs ever behave. Some do.</p>
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<p>This is the only “agreement in principle” my ex and I work under: it was our divorce not that of our S. It helped that when I remarried, I made it clear to my intended wife that (1) I prized “peaceful co-existance” and co-operation with my ex and (2) that love me as dad and my S as “our” son. I married an honest woman who has kept her word all 19 years of marriage.</p>
<p>I too pity the boy involved in the drama OP has described and I guess his sister is getting an advanced preview of her future fun and games. You mental health folks step in. Isn’t this bickering going to put the sister at risk of deciding to move to inappropriate choices (sex, drugs, etc) since it is proof positive where she stands in her parents’ priorities?</p>
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<p>I agree, and I also sincerely hope the son is not on CC.</p>
<p>Raising a hand for myself and my ex who have equally supported our sons in the colleges of their choices without a court order. We did have a settlement agreement for which I admit to much magical thinking. I had no idea when we negotiated it several years ago that the total cost of a private college for 4 years would be well over $200,000. I simply chose not to believe it would be that high. I blithely believed that my sons were so smart that of course they would get great scholarships. I also had no idea the impact of a new spouse’s income and assets on financial aid. Fortunately I found CC and became educated. </p>
<p>Not everyone has this information at hand during the emotional upheaval of a divorce, particularly if the children are young. And most states assume that once the children are 18, they’re on their own so will not require (or even suggest) that college funding be considered.</p>
<p>A stepmother or stepfather is in a difficult position. Trying to blend emotionally into a family where patterns were set long ago, and where the biological parent may be overcompensating for a divorce, is a very tricky road to navigate. I start from the assumption that everyone is trying to do the best they can given our human weaknesses and imperfections, and go from there.</p>