We don’t require a job, but do expect mostly A’s and standard mix of athletics, music, involvement/leadership in an org, volunteering, SAT prep course.
Last weekend we were on the lake with friends we haven’t seen in a while and they mentioned an award my 11th grade daughter just won. Convo naturally moved to where their oldest, also an 11th grader, was considering for college. “HA! We just hope he makes it out of high school.” They just sort of laughed it off.
We thought it was a joke, you know how perfect families sometimes play coy, but they went on to detail the grades of both boys, and basically said they’re happy whenever they see a C. Both parents are upper middle class, kids are normal, church going. Have to be honest, it makes me look at them a lot differently.
I have high achieving friends who have said that sort of thing about one of their kids. It isn’t necessarily that they are thrilled with the situation; they may be dealing with issues you don’t understand. I would not judge.
And what on earth does “church going” have to do with anything?
Frankly, we do not discuss our kids’s grades with others. it is kind of boring, isn’t it? There are a lot of going on in the world, kids’s grades are their responsibility, but even they do not discuss them with friends. Some need high GPAs, others may not, and we do not care one way or another. No, we would not change opinion of people based on their expectations for their kids’ GPA, this is a very strange way for us.
We don’t know the children very well. I look at the parents a lot differently. I mean I wouldn’t even admit what they told me and they seemed to just shrug it off.
I don’t think I can be shocked any more, but sometimes expectations sadden me. Friend’s d graduated with my youngest. Friend’s a widow, limited income, and would not let her extraordinarily high stats kids apply to anything too far away in case one “needed” the other. There was just the two of them, you know. Not that there’s anything wrong with the local schools (my oldest went to one), but this ivy-level stats kid didn’t want to stay in town. She could’ve received great merit at a number of places and a lot of need-based aid at others. Or surprise me, like when another friend listed the schools her d had applied to. All big name (except the state flagship). This kid had an ACT in the teens. But shock me? No, not really.
You’re in such a position of privilege that you even note this. Your friends may have had similar expectations and aspirations at one time but they faded long ago and their universe isn’t filled with planning college visits or eventually going to a Parents Weekend or the rivalry football game. Their child has a different path likely ahead of him. And?
If they were able to read your mind and your condescension, perhaps they’d look at YOU differently
I was similarly shocked one day. I was having a discussion with one of the families in my church. The couple had taken in a single mom and her two kids and basically helped raise the kids. The wife told me that the mom had come from a tough background. She said the mom hadn’t ever been married, none of her siblings were in a marriage. The mom’s parent’s weren’t married. None of the mom’s aunts and uncles were married. Basically, there was not a married couple among any of her extended family. I was dumbfounded. I come from a traditional Chinese family. Every single cousin, aunt and uncle are currently married. I was embarrassed that I couldn’t envision someone else’s life so different than my own experience. Maybe this will be a good learning moment for you.
You simply assume b/c they’re of similar race, education and socio-economic status that they must mirror you – or else they’re damaged goods. Please see this as a chance to come out of your ivory tower.
While I was never shocked at the expectation other parents had for their kids, I was shocked by one parent’s comment about my kid. He warn me not to over educated my daughter since men do not like to marry women smarter than they are. Wow! Needless to say, that advice was NOT taken.
My only expectation from my parents was that I was happy.
There were some broad expectations: graduate high school, go to college (even this was malleable). But that was about it. I literally had 3 rules in high school: do not drink and drive, do not become a teenage parent, and do not smoke cigarettes. I did manage to never break any rules!
I’m positive that people judged my parents for their lax expectations. I turned out ok
I don’t judge on grades, material possessions, attending college or not, what kind of college, etc. Different strokes for different folks. I will judge you based on how kind and decent you are.
I know some really impressive young folks in terms of grades, academic records, extracurricular achievements, etc. Many are great people and kind friends. (A few are egotistical and superficial jerks.) Some are successful on the surface but are a bundle of nerves, neurotic, taking medication for anxiety. I’d wish they would ratchet things back a notch and find more happiness and balance rather than striving for constant perfection. There’s a lot more to life and success than academic success.
Agree that the family may have had higher expectations about grades early on and now has a different concept of what a successful high school experience is.
I am sometimes surprised at what I learn from other parents.
I was thinking about judging some of your judging the OP’s judgment of the friends, but where does it end?
I do think it can be surprising to see other families’ attitudes about a lot of things. I don’t necessarily assume that they all have good, but unknown, reasons for their attitudes.
We are not church going people. Does that mean I shouldn’t expect my kids to do well in school or life? I wonder if only lower class students get C or below. Just saying.
@Hunt It’s fine. They can judge me all they want, but they’re on a college admissions forum right along with me – nobody here really thinks Cs and layabout slacker kids is acceptable. I am rather repulsed by any parent that allows such low expectations. There’s nothing “happy” about aimless kids who will be playing video games in their room the fall after high school.
Expecting “mostly A’s” from my younger child is just unrealistic. He is a delightful kid but a very average student. My expectation is that he works to his ability. If he ends up in a 4-year college, then great. If he chooses another path (job, military, CC or some combination thereof), then also great.
Sometimes the expectations we have when our children are little are simply not to be. There is nothing embarrassing about that; in fact, accepting that idea has done wonders for the stress level in our house. I would be devastated if my son thought that I was ashamed of him because of his grades or his college plans (or lack thereof).
