<p>Late to the discussion. This is an area I am torn on. </p>
<p>By nature and family (blue collar) history we are private about money. I know more about MY parents money situation now than I ever had but that is mostly bc my mom is acting as the executor of grandma’s estate. I don’t think I disclosed my income or assets to my fiance (then bf) for like 18 months (or asked him his). </p>
<p>My middle school aged daughter asks how much I make. I know she is trying to juggle mentally that I am a professional but I am pretty frugal…I don’t have cable or internet and we are the only people she knows with a tv with rabbit ears. She knows I still have education debt. But I do go on trips out of the country every couple of years. Her dad lives a much higher lifestyle/makes more/spends more than I do. I explain that I make about 33% of what dad makes, that still I make more than the average American due to my education but less than other lawyers due to the type of job and hours that I wanted, I make sure she knows that some families we are close to earn less than I do and some make more. She is the kind of kid who will be enjoy the 15 item budget project. </p>
<p>Pizza, your H is probably imagining a best case scenario where your kids are earning comfortable salaries as professionals, living within their means, saving for education and retirement, and where his “gift” is just a fantastic extra coming at them in middle age.</p>
<p>Nobody likes to think of a special needs grandchild; a parent who has to quit their job due to chronic illness; one of your children basically bankrupting themselves for fertility treatments, etc. I have a young neighbor with ALS and watching what his illness has done to their family is beyond heartbreaking.</p>
<p>So sure, let him imagine the nice surprise- as long as he realizes that there are multiple scenarios where his generosity might actually be needed for something critical and near term- the uninsured portion of a kidney transplant, or keeping the roof over his grandchildren’s head if one of the parents gets sick. The family of the ALS patient has run through the college funds just to cover the nursing care costs not covered by insurance.</p>
<p>No harm in fantasizing, and may the force be with you for only good outcomes ! (on May the Fourth day).</p>
<p>As someone who has been through some very hard times during my (single) parenting years, I have always been very vague about money. I never wanted my daughter to feel insecure but had to give her some pretty pathetic Chanukas and birthdays. There came a point where I had to reassure her that there was a safety net, that we’d never have to live on the street, but that I would always have to be careful, especially since I wanted to be able to leave her something or at least not become a financial burden to her.</p>
<p>We still don’t have wills…and DH is an attorney!</p>
<p>My side of the family has no idea how much we make, and that is intentional. My other sibs struggle financially. DH’s salary is a matter of public record, but I don’t think my kids or sibs would ever bother to look it up.</p>
<p>S2 started asking about finances and investing when he was in HS – not fishing for what we made, but about how insurance, credit cards, retirement plans, etc. work. S1 got interested in this stuff when he got job offers in college. I’m not sure either one paid attention to our FAFSA filings. They did know that we lived a frugal lifestyle so that we would be able to let them choose the college of their choice, and that we qualified for FA when both of them were in college at the same time. I did explain how EFC was calculated, and how 401(k) contributions and medical reimbursement accounts were factored in as compensation that’s eligible to be considered for college costs. With all my medical issues, they understood that we needed to have $$ in reserve and to keep funding insurance and reimbursement accounts because of the unpredictability of medical expenses. That got their attention!</p>
<p>Both kids know that DH and I were zero EFC students and that our respective parents were on the rough edge of the economic spectrum. They know we had to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and the importance of education to achieving our goals.</p>
<p>My parents have never asked what DH and I made; my dad has a pretty good idea of what S1 makes since it is a benchmark tech employer and that stuff comes out in the news. Dad has asked me a few times for specifics, but I demur with the (truthful) reply that I don’t know all the details. I have some idea of my dad’s resources, but he has only disclosed that in the past couple of years.</p>
<p>S1 called us this year with questions about taxes (and got a nasty dose of reality about married filing jointly and tax brackets) and wound up disclosing what he and DIL made, though I strongly suspect that was not his intention. This was the first year he was trying to do taxes on his own. He and DIL have told us they are still living like college students and are saving very aggressively. </p>
<p>We are not ready to assign one of the kids as executor, and definitely will not be picking one of my sibs. Maybe my BIL – he is doing a great job handling my FIL’s finances.</p>
<p>PG, that is a tough question. I will admit I like your husband’s nice surprise idea, but also see how it might not be the best plan. Reality may intrude and rewrite his plan. But it sounds like right now it is just a nice idea, so he can develop it as your kids’ lives unfold. He can figure out how to fund grandkid educations and also figure out how to be fair to a childless family. </p>
<p>We have enough assets and our holdings are complex enough that we are likely to phase the kids into knowing about them when they are a little older (how old? idk. Our plan isn’t perfect either. There are lawyers and accountants who know the big picture.) That means there probably won’t be a surprise in their futures or my grandkids’. </p>
Everything is relative. We were full pay parents for 2 years (out of 4 years in our child’s college years.) But my child still thinks we are poor. From time to time, we need to reassure him that we are doing OK.</p>
<p>It is true that his “assets” are negative right now. But we think it is likely he could pay off his student loans eventually. We paid for his UG, but only pay for about 1/4 to 1/3 of his graduate school student loans (otherwise, it would wipe out a lot of our retirement savings.) The COA of $80K a year (if full pay) is really beyond our means after having fully paid for his UG’s COA for 4 years.</p>
<p>Maybe my child could “sense” the financial stress we have had in the past years, so he thinks we are poor.</p>
<p>I think the idea of grandparents (who are able to, of course) setting up funds for grandchildren’s college education is a wonderful idea. It has been done in my own family, but not as a surprise. The stipulation made up front was that the money be used for college and if a grandchild opted not to attend they forfeited the money. Some of my siblings’ kids did that and there were no hard feelings among us.</p>
<p>“We still don’t have wills…and DH is an attorney!”</p>
<p>I feel your pain. Ours is really old, and the new one is just waiting to be signed. For the last two years…weighs on my mind every day, I know it needs to be done. Of course, everything would just go by law and beneficiaries, so it’s not a big deal in our state. I just need to get it done, and I don’t know why we’re not dealing with this.</p>
<p>Our kids have a general idea of our finances, and if they were actually interested, I’d give them every detail. I have no problem being brutally honest with them. They could learn from our mistakes and successes. They have heard the stories of unemployment and tough times, and understand that even though the money seems good now, it didn’t come out of nowhere.</p>
<p>Busdriver- a friend of mine is a family law attorney and has seen it all- tragedy, terrible situations involving young kids, etc. Her counsel is that it’s more important to have life insurance if you’ve got minor children and don’t have time to deal with a will. She has never seen a situation where kids with an intact college fund and a living expenses nest egg (courtesy of some el cheapo term policy) are unable to find a loving family member or close family friend willing to raise them and provide a stable home. But she has seen many instances of kids with LOTS of surviving relatives get bounced around when the child has no financial resources after a parents passing.</p>
<p>So if you’ve got life insurance- relax. You’ll get around to signing, no???</p>
<p>“Everything going by law” doesn’t mean simple or that funds and ownership transfer in a timely way. Some things are a matter of showing a death certificate, others need to be processed. Any of us could also have a situation where one parent passes and things transfer to the other parent- who is unable to manage. Just look at the tales on the parent caring for parents thread. You do want to check how those local laws really work. Or the specifics of something you set up- ie, not just that you did it, but how a child or grandchild could actually access that money. </p>
<p>Yes blossom, I’m making it a goal to getting to it in the next few weeks. Just emailed our attorney and asked her to send us another copy to look over (can’t find it). Should something happen, the kids are adults who can take care of themselves, and will have enough assets and insurance to cover their lifetime, should they need it.</p>
<p>Apparently, lookingforward, in our state, dying intestate is no big deal. Just means it goes through probate, which would be a short delay. The main thing is that the assets/insurance all have listed beneficiaries. But I think it would be really considerate to write something up easy to follow, with lists of account information, assets, insurance, etc. I want my kids to be able to actually find the money instead of trying to chase it down or God forbid, having it all go to the govt when it is unclaimed!</p>
<p>@busdriver11, in our case, almost all of our assets can be found in Quicken. I have a letter in our safe deposit box that includes the Quicken password. Our account passwords are all stored in a password manager (I use RoboForm, but there are many alternatives), and the letter provides the account name and master password. </p>
<p>We do have a will, but I think that short letter is very important.</p>
<p>Kids are marrying late and waiting to have children. Aren’t you assuming that you will live to see your grandchildren enroll in college?</p>
<p>Our kids don’t know our financials but they have a clue because we’ve never filled out a FAFSA and were full pay in college. They also went to private schools from first grade and when we take vacations together, we pay. However, they also know that their earned incomes (D+SIL and S alone) exceed ours because I told them, no figures were mentioned. (We use the same accountant and I have their paperwork) and if were able to save enough to pay for their education, they could certainly do the same for their future children.</p>
<p>Busdriver, it will be a simple matter for your executor to run your name/social security number through the unclaimed assets websites of any state where you’ve ever lived and uncover accounts you don’t know about. Although it’s very exciting to see unclaimed property in Ohio if you lived there 30 years ago, it usually ends up being a $5 key deposit on your old apartment building which you didn’t have time to reclaim when you moved out because the management office was closed and the moving truck was outside ready to roll.</p>
<p>So you claim your $5 which is now… voila… $60 after being in an escrow account all these years less administration fees. Yawn.</p>
<p>Btw, disclosed some info to D2 the other day. (The easy stuff we discussed here- where to find what info, names to call.) She broke out in tears. </p>
<p>Someone pointed out to me a newish concept called “emerging adults.” Not all kids hit independence markers at the same time or on some timeline we’ve come to expect. Apparently, it’s common. And OK. The term refers to 18-30 year olds- as ever, we have to know our kids and what they are ready for.</p>
<p>I went to that site a few years ago. Found something tiny for a friend and a life insurance policy for my dad. I’m not sure if they even got the money from the policy, my Mom said it was a real hassle to get anything and that it was probably a meager amount of money. I think I would have followed it up on it myself, you never know how much it could be, though probably not a lot.</p>
<p>It’s not always a hassle. Worst case, I had something where my name was goofed and had to get an explanation notarized. Some of these are little dividends, the $7 check that got ignored. But I did once get a few thousand from some old stock I thought was dead but that had come back to life with a corporate sale or some action on assets. </p>
<p>We also got something ten years after DH’s aunt died- never went to unclaimed property. Corporations are apparently supposed to turn over funds in some time period, per state laws, but this one went unnoticed. In that case, DH just responded to the letter- “I am the sole heir of the hier.” </p>
<p>Will put in my plug for getting good life insurance as soon as there are folks who will need its proceeds: Got a term policy (outside of coverage at work, so not dependent on continued employment) at age 30 when S1 was born. Doubled it when I was pregnant with S2. Put a COLA rider on it, with the idea that the funds would cover college or day care/household needs if something happened to me. Well – was diagnosed with cancer at 41, had massive heart attack at 51 – am now totally, utterly uninsurable. Policy grew at what turned out to be the rate of college inflation and would actually have covered full COA for both kids. </p>
<p>At this point, the kids will each get a portion of it, and DH will get the rest of the insurance, my share of the house, our savings accounts and all my retirement funds. (Once we get the wills written, that is.) Would like to do something for nieces and nephews, but I have one brother and SIL who don’t have kids, and have been wrestling with that one. </p>
<p>It was a relief to have a policy in place in case something were to happen. When S1 and DIL were asking us about insurance, we mentioned that as soon as we decided to try to have a child (before the dipstick ever turned blue), we made sure we had insurance coverage in case something were to happen. No, I was not trolling about grandkids. I steer clear of that one – they are still too young (23 & 24), IMO.</p>
<p>busdriver, I have been working on a list of accounts, policies, etc. in case of emergency. I also came up with such a list for all my docs and medications and carry it in a labeled pouch at all times, since there is no guarantee I would be able to communicate in a medical emergency or that I would have someone with me at the time who knew everything about my medical issues. When I get off CC and find an app, I’ll probably put the health info on my cell.</p>
<p>In terms of allocating an estate, what do you all think is the “right thing to do” where grandchildren are not evenly spread among the middle-aged kids – where some of the middle-aged siblings do have their own kids (in varying numbers), and other middle-aged sibs are childless?</p>