<p>midwesterner #6 Ah, the very difficult skill of just saying “no.” How to decide when to say “no” though? It’s a big one, and it’s not always to social events. </p>
<p>A friend of ours has a daughter (FD) who is finding herself drawn into comforting a roommate (RM) who is going through some family difficulties (including the death of a grandparent and unsupportive yet highly demanding parents). RM is having days where she is distraught enough that FD feels she must, as a friend, spend the afternoon with her taking a walk, or seeing a movie, or generally hearing her out and cheering her up. But this is eating into FD’s study time and she doesn’t know how to say “no” without seeming uncaring. Because it’s a roommate, the situation is everpresent.</p>
<p>My husband and I have suggested that FD choose a specific, reasonable amount of time up front that she can devote to RM and then tell her in advance. Something like, “I can go to the movie, but afterwards I’ll have to come straight back here and study.” </p>
<p>And of course, we’ve suggested that FD tactfully point RM in the direction of counselling, but apparently that hasn’t gone over well. (Not everybody is open to the idea of therapy.)</p>
<p>It’s hard because FD is a great student and a kindhearted, compassionate young woman, but we can see her stress is climbing as a result of exposure to this roommate’s family situation. Anybody dealt with anything similar? Ideas?</p>
<p>I want to second the going to class/reading before hand/telling your prof when you have to miss suggestions. I am a prof and those things are all meaningful to me. It provides the student with a positive track record. Then when they tell me their alarm didn’t go off or they got a flat on the way to class, I am more likely to cut them slack because I already have the impression that they truly do want to succeed and they have been putting forth effort.</p>
<p>I appreciate students dropping by my office. I don’t appreciate small talk because I am very busy. However, if you stop by to introduce yourself or to ask a question, then it makes me think you are interested and actually thinking about my course material. That is ALWAYS welcome.</p>
<p>As for the troubled roommate… This is what college counseling centers are for. Sometimes they work for the concerned friend as well.</p>
<p>My primary advice is do NOT play on your laptop or phone in class. Do NOT fall asleep in class (not that any of my students would :o). Those are rude behaviors and reflect poorly on you. Your prof is likely to start to resent your behavior and that could possibly reduce the benefit of the doubt given to you in subjective circumstances.</p>
<p>Get all your work done that needs to be done BEFORE you play. That way, when you go out, you can thoroughly enjoy yourself with a clean conscience - no homework/paper looming over your head. It’s hard to really have fun when you’re worried about what you should be doing instead.</p>
<p>try to keep your life in balance. study hard, but also find time for exercise, relaxation and fun. avoid people who use drugs/alcohol (or who seem unable to relax without their use). don’t view your classmates as ‘the enemy’ (i.e., as competitors). the only person you’re competing against is yourself.</p>
<p>Prioritize. Don’t spend 15 hours doing that problem set that’s worth 1.5% of your grade when you have a midterm in another class tomorrow that’s worth 30% of your grade. </p>
<p>Even acknowledging this, I still screw it up time after time.</p>
<p>And don’t take easy classes if you can avoid it (my major requires a number of them unfortunately). You will have no motivation to do anything in them and will do worse in them than your hard classes.</p>
I just had this discussion with (HS senior) S yesterday. My advice to him - have mostly friends who are also studious. If all your friends are partiers, they will sink and drag you down with them. It’s incredibly easy when someone says “Hey, come play a game of foosball with us - just one game.” Then it’s “let’s get some dinner, it’ll be quick, come on, everyone’s got to eat”. At dinner Sally shows up and says “everyone is heading to the game and then to party at Joe’s”. Next thing you know, it’s 3 am and you’re drunk and you have an homework due tomorrow and you never opened the book.</p>
<p>It’s fine to have SOME friends who are slackers, but they can be a bad influence and you need to hang with people who are more serious. (This is especially true for S who is easily distracted from his homework and chores.)</p>