motivating/changing habits

Parents Forum
1

<p>Sorry to ***** and moan... however, just need to vent anonymously here..</p>

<p>Seems like one of my kids spends more time watching football and texting his friends than studying.. I am not there so I don't know... I am doing my best to fermez ma bouche.. however, tis hard... </p>

<p>You can't make them mature any faster... However, I wish that student was motivated to work harder, practice more, study more, and apply for summer jobs and enter competitions. I wish this person were a little more Type A, hard work and plenty of it... instead of California coaster. </p>

<p>I guess I was hoping for significant change in behaviors... The good news is my student seems to be doing pretty well academically and adjusting pretty well socially. and that is huge for first semester freshman.....When said student came home this weekend before finals, notebook was a total mess... and it looked like not much studying was getting done... hence mama started worrying... (bad habit of mine).. </p>

<p>Parents of college kids, if you've been there/done that... please offer a few encouraging words of what worked and what didn't... </p>

<p>So I know that nagging does not work... I know that negativity does not work. I do know that the ball is in their court.. and that if they drop it, they (not us) are responsible for paying back loans/etc... However, more importantly.. I think the motivation to achieve has to come from within and from self-discipline... If one was not particularly disciplined as a child, is it impossible to make this discipline a habit as an adult.. How does one achieve the maturity of thought to even want self-discipline, to realize its value.. </p>

<p>Thanks</p>

2

<p>there is a book called “Drive” which discusses what motivates us.</p>

<p>The truth is we are not all motivated by the same things, which is where I think parents and kids can sometimes find a disconnect. Heck, even my husband and I are not motivated by the same things. I would be happy living with a lot less than he really actually “needs” to be at ease.</p>

<p>I have one child who is really curious about intellectual matters and one who lives mainly in her body and was an athlete for many years. They are both equally motivated, in life, but by entirely different things. </p>

<p>The key is to understand them, and try to assist them in finding what they need to motivate them within the framework of what YOU think they really need to be happy, long term. </p>

<p>So, my youngest really doesn’t care that much about school, though she’s quite bright, but she is motivated by success and nice cars and clothes and food and events. We have shown her that in order to have the stuff she wants she needs to get the education “we want.” Whatever it takes. I’m not picky.</p>

<p>Find what motivates your son, whether it’s other people, or nice cars, or free time, or whatnot. Then, if you want to change bad habits, you have to figure out what they are getting from those bad habits. It sounds like yours is getting “free time.” So, you need to find a way to show that free time comes from hard work, and not from sitting around. You have to link the reward up to a new routine. It’s not complicated.</p>

<ol>
<li> trigger to procrastination and laziness</li>
<li> laying around doing nothing productive</li>
<li> reward: free time.</li>
</ol>

<p>new habit:</p>

<ol>
<li> trigger to having things to do that I hate thinking about.</li>
<li> New routine: getting it all done so I don’t have to think about it any more.</li>
<li> reward: free time.</li>
</ol>

<p>Good luck to you.</p>

<p>ETA: that idea is one of many laid out in “The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life.” By Durigg, Charles. FYI</p>

3

<p>Nice post poetgrl.</p>

4

<p>especially for the book suggestions and for your perspective…</p>

<p>well thought out… just what the doctor ordered!</p>

5

<p>Thanks, PoetGirl, for the “Drive” recommendation. Will get it. I’ve listened to/read “The Power of Habit.”</p>

6

<p>The ball really is in their court in college. The worst thing you can do is to try to exert any control. They have to want to be there and do well, as well as face consequences. Time to let go and don’t let yourself worry.</p>