Does anyone want to rate/comment on my essay?

College Essays
1

<p>The prompt was: The 18th century French philosopher Denis Diderot said, "Only passions, great passions can elevate the soul to great things." Describe one of your passions and reflect on how it has contributed to your personal growth.</p>

<p>"I don't remember how I stumbled upon it, but after I did, I became inspired and motivated. It was too surreal that a thirteen-year-old girl could have written and published a book at such a young age. The book was called In the Forests of the Night and it was written by Amelia Atwater-Rhodes.</p>

<p>As a writer myself, I began to have hope that I would be able to publish a book. I was in sixth grade and I had found comfort in writing fiction, but this was also a naive time for me. Ever since I can recall, I have always liked to secretly compete with others. I wanted to be the youngest writer to have successfully published a book, but reality didn't work that way.</p>

<p>I was convinced that I would be able to finish my novel before my thirteenth birthday. I researched animals and drew sketches of my fantasy world. I printed out baby names and meanings to choose my character names wisely. I was so into creating my own story, so accustomed to this hobby that as high school started to pull me back into reality I began to lose grasp of my fantasy world.</p>

<p>Now every time I write I get pulled back into my fantasy world. That world where I can reconstruct what I imagine and let my creativity flow to its max. This yearning to break free has allowed me to thrive out of my boundaries and think outside of the box. There are plenty of times where I’m not fully sucked back into my fantasy world because of daily distractions, but I do appreciate every moment I spend in there.</p>

<p>The summer before senior year I remembered my past writing ambitions and decided to continue them but using a different story idea. I hoped to write a play manuscript about vampires so that it might be used in the spring play at my high school. I have this general layout in my head, inscribed in my fantasy world, waiting for me to take it up again. These ideas keep on floating around, expecting me to grab and make use of them.</p>

<p>With my fantasy world, every time I experience anything I take in the outcomes with an open mind. I have some leeway to help shape my own character by learning through my past experiences. I am aided by my world to allow constructive criticism and different ideals of morals and beliefs to consider for my own character.</p>

<p>Whether or not I decide to go into my fantasy world is my choice. With the good and the bad experiences, my fantasy world has always been so patient and lenient, just sitting there until I go back into it. Different interruptions throughout life have always caught my attention and distracted me from my fantasy world, but I can never deny that it’s always there for me no matter what. It is my foundation of living, my peace of mind, my everything."</p>

2

<p>\"I don\'t remember how I stumbled upon it, but after I did, I became inspired and motivated. It was surreal that a thirteen-year-old girl could have written and published a book at such a young age. The book was called In the Forests of the Night, by Amelia Atwater-Rhodes.</p>

<p>As an aspiring writer myself, I began to have hope that I too would be able to publish a book. I was in sixth grade and had found comfort in writing fiction, but I was, of course, quite na</p>

3

<p>The helpful reader should criticize, not rewrite.</p>

<p>The smart writer will not accept the wholesale rewriting of passages, the loss of her genuine "voice"--forms of expression uniquely her own.</p>

<p>Both writer and critic should avoid cliches such as "think outside the box". Always find your own words!</p>

<p>For good advice on essays, take a look at</p>

<p>U.Va</a>. Office of Admission Essays</p>

4

<p>I thought it was pretty good overall. When's this essay due? If you have the time, I would hide it for 3 days, and not think about it. Then dig it back up, and edit it. I noticed a few loose phrases and a couple superflous wordings. I think you can tighten this up some.
Also, if you emphasize creativity as your strength so much, I think you can definitely be more creative with this essay. If you don't have much time, then try adding/replacing with vivid, imagery details. This will pop a bit more in a reader's mind.
However, if you do have some time left, try to think of a way to look at this thing from a different angle. You could try a fanciful recollection of all of these events, for example. Here's what I would write as an intro (and sorry if I'm sounding pretentious, you definitely don't have to listen to me! I'm just trying to give ideas to spark your own imagination)</p>

<p>When I was but a wee lad, hiking through the mountains of my imagination, I stumbled upon a book. Delightfully curious, I decided to take a look. And what was this, something right up my nook! A fantasy written by one only 13 summers old, yet so wonderfully written and told. "Aha," I thought, "I could do better! I am a smith of the letter."</p>

<p>And I totally understand if you think that this is a silly intro, but I think something a titch creative like this would catch a readers eye. I'm certain you can do it, as long as you have the time!</p>

5

<p>The helpful reader should criticize, not rewrite.</p>

<p>The helpful reader will also give advice, not just criticise other poster's efforts (be they recommended or not) to assist the OP in their dilemma.</p>

<p>The smart writer will not accept the wholesale rewriting of passages, the loss of her genuine "voice"--forms of expression uniquely her own.</p>

<p>The smart writer will note that the first reply post in this thread is the result of only one reader's opinion and the copying of it would thus disallow any kind of breadth or depth to be gained through other responses. The smart writer will go on to recognise that such an act would be known as plagiarism, and as a literary enthusiast would vehemently denounce all deeds of the like.</p>

<p>My advice:</p>

<ul>
<li><p>Try and find a few different wordings for "fantasy world". It's great to centre your essay around it and keep bringing things back to that issue, but reading the same phrase more than twice or three times within a few paragraphs tends to make readers actually take note of the fact that you have used it two or three times, which you don't want.</p></li>
<li><p>"It is my foundation of living, my peace of mind, my everything." Personally (and this is just me) I would lose or rephrase this sentence. It's a fine idea and people can see what you're getting at, but I know a lot would see it as a little too exaggerated or overblown. Others might also see it as an indicator that you don't actually base yourself in reality. Extreme, I know, but it happens. Perhaps something along the lines of, "your intellectual or imaginative grounding", or "your incorruptible, creative foundations" or "your moral utopia". I don't know. I'm really not a writer. Those probably just sounds ridiculous. Just something less grandiose, perhaps. Not your "everything", as I'm sure there are other aspects of your life that do keep you grounded and stable.</p></li>
<li><p>cooledge's idea was good. See if you can work in a little imagery or some other literary devices. Try working characters or landscapes or depictions into the very telling of the essay. You're trying to show the readers that passion for literature and creative writing you have, so show it to them by doing it. Write creatively. Put a bit of your fantasy world into it. And good luck!</p></li>
</ul>

6

<p>I sometimes think of criticism in the broad sense of</p>

<p>
[quote]
the art of evaluating or analyzing works of art or literature

[/quote]
.</p>

<p>Generally, though, I am skeptical about giving advice. I prefer to actually criticize, in the sense of find fault or point out possible deficiencies. The writer, in choosing whether or not to make corrections, and how to make them, is then giving expression to his/her own voice, rather than being influenced by the "advice" (possible corrections, ways to solve the identified problem) given in the voice of others.</p>

7

<p>"The writer, in choosing whether or not to make corrections, and how to make them, is then giving expression to his/her own voice, rather than being influenced by the "advice" (possible corrections, ways to solve the identified problem) given in the voice of others."</p>

<p>I asked some friends to help me with my essay when I was applying to college, they completely change my essays. They rewrite and make them look better. However, now that I look back, I think that I was rejected because of my essays. They did not reflect who I am and was not an echo of my soul. I am sure that it was obvious to the colleges that some of the things in my essays were not written by me. I am not a native speaker, so the perfect paragraph in the essays created some inconsistence with the grammatical and lexical errors that I made in other short answers. As you said, Adad, the good writer won't accept that someone just rewrite his essay. It would be then like ghost wirting. Now that I might transfer to another school, I will still ask advice to others but I will take the opportunity to let the essays talk for myself instead of using the perfect prose that my friends put in my essay. It was all my fault .</p>

8

<p>
[quote]
Generally, though, I am skeptical about giving advice. I prefer to actually criticize, in the sense of find fault or point out possible deficiencies. The writer, in choosing whether or not to make corrections, and how to make them, is then giving expression to his/her own voice, rather than being influenced by the "advice" (possible corrections, ways to solve the identified problem) given in the voice of others.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Whatever your advice-giving/criticizing/etc. ideology may be, either post something relevant and helpful or keep your mouth shut and ego deflated. You're only aggravating the situation and hijacking this thread.</p>

<p>That argument aside...</p>

<p>To the writer: use a more seasoned vocabulary. The essay, while clear, is a tad on the bland side. Experiment with new wordings, polish your voice, and refine the language in your essay to keep your reader's attention. I admit I found myself slightly bored after the first few sentences (which should hook your reader and hold onto him!), which led me to alleviate the rising tension in this thread in bypassing your essay, moving on to subsequent posts, and posting what I did above, before returning to your essay. In short, make it lively and ensnaring! Retain my interest and it will be a successful essay.</p>

9

<p>Small Tips - don't share the entire essay online, PM it to people you can trust, who won't try to steal it - find other phrases for 'fantasy world,' don't use cliches like 'think outside the box.'</p>

<p>One other main point is that your main ideas aren't well-developed. You jump from one point to the next, such as going from talking about writing a play for the high school and then restating the whole 'imagination' idea. When I read this, I wanted to hear more about the play, if you managed to get your script accepted, what happened exactly? Another jump is from writing the book to the school play, I would also have liked to hear more about the book</p>

<p>In all, the idea of 'wanting to break free,' is really redundant. You need to explain more about the book you're writing, and add in perhaps some writing contests and inspiration you received to complete it.</p>