I haven’t been watching the series, but started listening to the audio version of his new book yesterday.
The book starts out with him talking about meeting his Dad (“Pa”) and brother (“Willie”) in a park when he came back for Prince Phillip’s funeral. When he saw them approaching from a distance, he was very nervous and said his stomach jumped into his throat from anxiety. The talk didn’t go well-Charles and William said they had absolutely no understanding of why he left. Harry (William called him “Harold” during the conversation) said he was so astonished and frustrated that they took that position.
I just finished the chapter devoted to Diana’s death. Harry was so devastated by the news that he decided to believe that Diana had faked her death to escape the torture imposed on her life by the Papparazi. He keeps referring to his feelings about her “disappearance” and it’s really heartbreaking that he was given zero emotional help in dealing with the tragedy. I’m early into the book, so I don’t know how I’ll feel about him in the end, but that’s really very sad. I wonder at what point he finally did let himself believe that his mother (“Mummy”) had actually died.
A very wise, older friend of mine told me years ago, that without exception, most people will see trauma in their lives at some point. She had lived through some horrible things as a child and young adult but did not let those experiences define her life. She also came from a generation that did not have time to dwell on all the “bad stuff” they had to keep moving forward. It seems like in today’s world, people are encouraged to continue living like they are victims. What are we teaching our kids… life is hard you have to develop “grit” to make it through.
Thank goodness we’ve advanced as a society and see that more people get help after trauma! Thank God my sister is seeing a therapist after losing her son! Is she supposed to just toughen up on her own?
My mom was 11 when her 15-year-old sister died after a long illness. She WAS expected to just bear it and keep going. Do you think that went well? It didn’t.
Of course everyone experiences trauma in their lives. Not everyone experiences it on the world stage and is expected to grieve out in the open and keep a stiff upper lip about it all and publicly comfort others at the tender age of 12.
There’s a difference between continuing to live like a victim and seeking help to work through the experience. This is the kind of thinking that chaps my hide. People in other generations used to put up with all kinds of crappy stuff that I hope we don’t put up with today. Of course people shouldn’t get stuck and be permanently defined and derailed by the worst things that happened to them, but telling others to just suck it up and rub some dirt on it isn’t particularly productive.
In the book, Harry said he tried very hard not to cry in the aftermath of Diana’s death because it was so discouraged in his family. He said he finally did break down when he got home, watching (on TV, by himself) the car carrying her coffin making its way to her final resting place. He said he wasn’t crying because he believed she had actually died, just at “the mere idea of it.”
He could have benefitted from therapy or at least the opportunity within the family to express his grief. I, too, am appalled a the idea that suffering through hard times is playing “the victim.” Sheesh!
Some people are naturally more resilient. Others may very good at repressing their feelings, sometimes to bad results, and others are just naturally more sensitive and struggle more. It’s never a bad thing to get help dealing with trauma.
People respond differently to trauma. There has been a lot of tragedy in my family and around throughout years. I have seen it all, ranging from amazing resilience to complete disaster ending in early death as reactions to those tragedies. I don’t know what external factors helped or hurt, but I will say our temperaments have a lot to do with how we process life and it’s tragedies. Just because some of us feel maybe more intensely or differently perceive the pain doesn’t make us weak or somehow a generational weaklings.
Temperaments differ in how they respond to trauma, and families differ in how they deal with it. Some families share their grief openly and together, others do not discuss it at all. And furthermore some cultures still see seeking help as weakness and shameful. (I’m referring to Americans from those cultural backgrounds, not those living in the original countries where that’s the prevailing attitude.)
I was not suggesting “rub some dirt on it” and move on. Nor did I say that there was not therapy… what I am saying is at some point you need to get out of the whirlpool and find a life for yourself. @MaineLonghorn Getting therapy and help is crucial not suggesting otherwise. My friend absolutely got help and along with it a perspective that helped her long-term. Living a life filled with bitterness and resentment is not helpful imo.
I just read a good quote: “If you do not understand why someone is grieving so much, for so long, then consider yourself fortunate that you do not understand.”
Harry came off better on Colbert than I was expecting. It was a good segment. The opening bit with Harry and Tom Hanks was hysterical!
That said, I’ve had a lot of sibling conflict in my life. Maybe I would sell all the dirt on my sisters and their spouses for $20 million – that’s a hell of a lot of money, and I could make a good argument that they done me wrong. But if I made that choice, I wouldn’t expect to maintain anybody’s respect, including my own.
On the subject of grief and healing, I believe Prince Harry deserves much sympathy and understanding for the loss and pain he’s been through. I can personally relate in more ways than I care to share here. In my opinion his memoir is mostly for his own personal therapy. He’s not the first celebrity to do this. People are different; some need to grieve very publicly, others prefer privacy. And timelines for healing do indeed vary.
If his book were limited to his own personal journey, even including feeling a lack of support within his family, and feeling worthless as “the spare”, I suspect the primary public reaction would be one of warmth and compassion (though likely the same cringing at oversharing).
But he’s gone farther. He’s made very serious accusations against his relatives (some of which he appears to be backtracking on) with no proof other than his own claims. There’s also the undeniable irony that he rails against the press and their coverage of his new family, yet is perfectly willing to use the media to detail his grievances against his original family. And unlike the rest of us with dysfunctional families, he’s getting paid $20M to do so.
He does not get a pass simply because he’s suffered greatly. He will be publicly criticized and have his motives questioned. He has legal recourse against the press if he deems it warranted, but he does not get to dictate how they must cover him.
Candidly, only those already privileged are in a position to grieve for 25 years after the early loss of a parent. The rest of us have to go about our daily business of supporting ourselves and our families as best we can.
No parent would want their death to define their child’s life decades later. It is unfortunate that he did not receive help in recognizing that.
My father grew up poor, one of 9. His father died when he was 7. The ramifications of that affected him and many of his siblings for decades. The death of his mother at age 22 didn’t help. He still had to go about his daily business and support his family, but he battled many demons during the process. As a matter of fact, as a teen he let me listen to a talk he gave at his five year sobriety gathering. It was the first time I ever heard my dad choked up - he was talking about the deaths of his parents. Not sure I agree with your assessment of “the privilege to grieve”.
This. My sister died unexpectedly in her sleep at the age of 39, leaving 3 children under the age of 10. It was horrible, she was my best friend and I miss her every day, as do her kids. However, she would have been beyond devastated if her death had become the focal point for any of her kids, especially to such an unresolved and detrimental state as Harry evidences. Her kids were very fortunate to have a loving and supportive dad and extended family (which Harry seemingly did not) and have grown into amazing and accomplished young adults. Grief is absolutely a process and something one never really sheds or gets over but hopefully learns to accomodate it, to weave it into one’s life rather than allowing it to consume it. I do feel sorry for Harry to the extent he hasn’t been able to do so within his own life.
