Good thing you do not live in the some of the places referenced here:
https://www.cnn.com/2015/01/20/living/feat-md-free-range-parents-under-attack/
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Crazy! A mom posted on our local parent Facebook page that someone called the police because her 9 year old was walking on the sidewalk alone (the officer was very apologetic).
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We didn’t limit our kids and for the one that was a 13-14 hour car ride away, she had to figure out how to deal with it. I think she had roughly one urgent care trip a year and the world didn’t end because we weren’t able to get there.
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I had a family member who had an autoimmune condition and was in the hospital a couple of times during college. Her parents were able to jump in a car and be there in under 2 hours.
Would the outcome have been any different if the parents didn’t get there until the next day?
I’m with you, I don’t get it either. I can’t come up with a scenario where the parents not getting there right away would make a difference. A child in the hospital isn’t going to get better any faster because their parents get there right away. Yes, it would make everyone feel better if they are there, but it won’t change the outcome.
Correction, I can think of one scenario but it is so incredibly unlikely to occur. If someone is dying (a parent, the kid, or some other close family member) and getting there quickly allows someone to see them before they die.
Hence the “almost”. Four years of travel to West Lafayette and we’ve been delayed more than 30 minutes once. For the US road network, I’d say this is probably par for the course.
And yes, pretty much anything can be “dangerous” if you’re not prepared for it.
Glad you agree with the point I was actually making.
Fwiw, I can’t fathom having a 18+ year old stay close to home so I can be there in case of a breakup.
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Same. That’s what friends, phone calls, counseling centers, etc. are for in my opinion.
(And, yes, I experienced a very horrifying “Lifetime” type relationship breakup in college. I made use of the resources available.)
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This question seems to be very kid-specific, situation-specific. We live in Asia and educated our S19 in international schools, always assuming he would go to the US for college (I’m an expat American, my husband is a citizen where we live but did his graduate work at US colleges and taught in the US before we moved here). I was a little surprised when our son picked a school in Ohio - I’ve lived on both coasts but never in the middle - but it turns out that “Midwest nice” is a great way to encounter US life for the first time. In any event, he is a 20-hour plane ride away. When he wanted to return to campus last August, rather than studying remotely or taking a gap year, we took a deep breath and let him go. Of course, the first thing that happened was one of his flights was cancelled and he ended up being put up at a hotel at LAX in the middle of a pandemic, but in general it’s all worked out. It helps that he has an excellent support network at his school, both among his friends and among the university staff - if “something” (beyond a global pandemic!) happened, he wouldn’t be on his own. I also have cousins in the US who have reached out to offer their help if he ever needs it. We also have a D21, and I guess I am happy she is taking a gap year given the “something” we are all currently dealing with. She also has some health issues, so we will probably feel more comfortable sending her to school in the US after we relocate there ourselves next year. Given our travel history, however, I don’t think we would limit her beyond “the US”. It’s not that big a country!
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My child’s campus caught on fire not once but twice. He brought classmates home for shelter because we were close enough. Another child was working on Mass Ave when the Boston bombing happened; luckily she no longer worked at the candy shop right at the finish line but still had bloodied people come into the coffee shop where she worked so plenty of trauma for a young student away from home in the big city for the first time. We were on another continent when this happened – so 2 totally different experiences.
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I had mono in college, as did my BF at the time. We literally crawled next door to student health center, slept there until they discharged us to go away for winter break, with incompletes until we came back recovered and did the work. We carried on.
I had very upsetting breakups and figured out how to move forward.
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One can enjoy being close and be supportive without being an overbearing helicopter parent fyi.
Kid #1 was 2.5 hours away, the other 2000 miles. Then I moved and it flipped, so the one was now 2000 miles away and the other 2.5 hours.
What could go wrong? Well, Kid #1 was in 4 hurricanes, and I think evacuated for all 4. Twice she went to her boyfriend’s home in NJ and twice to Orlando. Boyfriend had a car so that big hurdle was covered. His parents were real helicopter parents and they arranged the whole thing, the hotels, the plane tickets. Daughter had plenty of options to stay with other friends in Florida, but she picked going with boyfriend. My daughter also got the flu twice (in same semester). Those calls were tough (“Mom, I think I’m going to die”) and I did ask if she wanted me to fly there but she didn’t. If it had been the other kid, 2.5 hours away, I would have driven there.
Biggest ‘problem’ was that I couldn’t see her play every game. If I’d continued to live nearby, I would have been at most games. About half the team was from Florida and their parents all went to the games and partied together, became friends. I wish I could have done that.
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D#1 went to college 8 hrs away. It was close enough where we could drive up if needed, or fly. She did have the “big breakup” and eventually transferred back to home.
so we were somewhat gun-shy when B#2 wanted to go to college 13 hrs away. It’s been an interesting year; Strep, mono, broken laptop and ruined phone. Here’s what’s been the BEST: the parents FB group. When I asked where to order groceries for my sick kid, I had so many local parents offer to check on him, take him things and offered to help with whatever he needed. Brought tears to my eyes. Can’t say enough about southern hospitality - and FB parents groups if your school has one.
so much of this depends though on your child i think.
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My kid was the one who actually decided they wanted to be close enough (3-4ish hours) in case they wanted to come home for a family event. In 3 years they have never come home except over breaks! (But we’ve also had no big family events, illnesses, etc.)
They are 2-1/2 hrs away which is nice because we can go for the day which we’ve done a few times. And I must say, it is nice to know we could get there, or get them home, in case of an emergency.
Had either child wanted to go a plane ride away and the school was perfect for them, etc, we probably would have said ok. But would have also said “See you at Christmas” because we didn’t have the funds to be flying them home or us there.
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There are definitely many US parents like that, but not all US parents are that way. I grew up in an area and era of “come home when the streetlights come on” and have tried not to go too crazy with the kids should be raised in a Styrofoam egg carton treatment.
D21 at 15 spent much of her summer in NYC without us for a summer intensive. There were a number of students there from all across the US, including the West Coast. The students lived in a dorm (with roommates) at one university and went to their classes at another college via subway. They had a 10pm curfew. Other than that, outside of class time, they were free to roam the city. They were also responsible for their own meals. She considers it the best experience of her life so far.
My other D took public buses alone starting at 14, but never had an “away from home” experience. She was recently telling D21 that not having that “away from home” experience made her transition to college more difficult (had never had a roommate before, etc.), but that it would be easier for D21 to transition to college because she’s “been there, done that” for part of the experience.
We didn’t limit where our kids could go to college geographically. D21 is between two right now (still in a dead heat) - one is in-state flagship (where her sister attends), the other is >2,000 miles away.
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I haven’t seen anyone else mention this specifically, but I’m just not a fan of flying. I’m not afraid to fly, I just don’t like the whole deal of finding the best flight, the best rate, the best seat… And if someone tells me something is an x-hours-away flight, I would pretty much triple that in my mind to allow for travel to/from the airport, security, car rental, whatever. I would hate to rely on that for getting a kid to/from college or visiting, especially in an emergency. I realize a lot of people live in areas where that may be the best option, but fortunately we live where there are lot of driveable options. So, I never set a limit on where the kids could look at colleges, but maybe they picked up on the concern, as they all ended up 2 to 5 hours drive away.
D1 spent semesters in Britain (undergrad), Northern Europe (grad), and South America (grad). D2 spent semesters in Eastern Europe (undergrad), Britain (grad), Asia (grad), and Africa (grad). One goal of sending them to camp and classes (across country) while in middle and high school was to get them used to traveling alone, being away from home, thinking on their own, and knowing how to seek help from someone other than us. It was very effective for independence. They have since traveled extensively internationally on their own.
In a non-COVID era I wouldn’t have given a hard “no” to a college that was a flight away, but it would have to be a pretty special school. We’re a two-hour drive from the nearest functioning airport, so there’s that. My D didn’t want an urban school, so connecting flights and other transportation would have added to the complication. My D initially didn’t want to go more than two or three hours away from home anyway, though she became intrigued by the idea of a couple of reachy schools that would have meant a flight or very long trek. COVID knocked those options off the table (long-shot anyway). In the end, she fell hard for a school that’s about a five-hour drive away. Just far enough that my homebody kid can stretch her wings and feel she’s going “away”, yet close enough that we can get there in an emergency or go for Parent’s Weekend.
@rockymtnhigh2 I agree. Every kid is different, though. I went on six-week summer homestays in Europe when I was sixteen and nineteen and had life-changing experiences. Pre-COVID I encouraged my D to do something like that, but No, No, NOPE! She said she’d travel with me, but no summer exchange for her. I did send her to five-day and two-week sleepaway camps a few times when younger just so she’d know she could do it but they were pretty sheltered experiences. She’s getting excited about doing a semester or year abroad, though, so I think she just had to grow into the idea.
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